Death and Happiness
by Flames101
Summary: When you've lost everything in your life that matters most to you, what do you do? Hotch struggles with this question as he tries to cope with death and the absurd concept of happiness. Warning: Character Death. Eventual JJ/Hotch. Chapter 25 is new. 2013 Profiler Choice Award Winner for Best Angst Story. Now Complete!
1. Death

**A/N:** Hey all. So, I'm back again with another fic. This story is completely different than anything I've ever written. A lot darker, that's for sure. Just wanted to give you a couple warnings first, there is character death in this story. As well, at the moment the rating is T, but I'm pretty sure that later on the rating will go up. Also, there will be a lot of angst in this one.

So, I hope you'll all still read and let me know what you think.

**Chapter 1: Death:**

Another day, another case. There didn't seem to be much new in Hotch's life. This day he and his team were in Tampa Bay, Florida. It was hot and the case was bad. But everything else was pretty much routine. Case briefing in Quantico, followed by more brainstorming on the jet and then finally the meeting with the law enforcement officials in charge of said case.

He'd just finished assigning his team members to the usual tasks. Routine. Morgan and Prentiss to the most recent crime scene. Rossi and Reid to work victim-logy. He and JJ off to interview the last victim's family.

Hotch finished speaking with the lead detective and made eye contact with the pretty blonde, ready to be on his way. She gave him a small nod of assent and was approaching when his cell phone began to ring.

He pulled it out of his pocket just as JJ reached his side. She gave him a quizzical look as he eyed the Caller ID. His look matched hers as he said, "Jessica?"

Hotch didn't bother to move away from his co-worker as he flipped the phone open and put it to his ear.

"Jessica," he began calmly, ready to politely tell her he was busy.

"Aaron, oh God," she exclaimed frantically.

It was Hailey's sister all right, only he'd never heard her voice so frantic, so desperate, so sorrowful.

"What is it, Jessica?" he said willing his voice to stay calm, hoping it would rub off on his former sister-in-law.

Though, he felt anything but composed. His heart had begun to race at her three words. JJ gave him a worried look.

"Jack, it's Jack," she cried into the phone. "Oh God…"

He was sure his heart had just plummeted to somewhere in the vicinity of his feet.

"Jack?" he said his voice husky, thick with undefined emotion.

"Jack?" JJ echoed at his side. "Aaron, what's going on?"

He gave her a wave, indicating to just wait a moment, as he tried to get through to the crying woman.

"Jessica, tell me what's going on?" he said, not hiding his trepidation anymore.

"I'm so sorry, Aaron," Jessica sobbed. "I'm so…"

"What happened?" he shouted suddenly.

He could see JJ flinch at his tone. She didn't move away, though. She grabbed onto his arm, tightly. He could see the color had drained from her face too.

"There… there was an accident… the school bus…" she sobbed, choking on her words. "Oh, Aaron, I'm…"

"Is he… is he all right?" Hotch asked hesitantly, but he knew. He could feel it, and fresh tears on the other end of the line were his answer.

The phone dropped from his fingers to fall to the ground and smash into pieces.

"Aaron," JJ murmured at his side. She tugged at his arm, getting him to look at her. There were tears shining in her bright blue eyes. "Aaron, what's happened?"

Her voice was sorrowful. She looked at him so sadly. _Oh God, what just happened,_ he thought to himself. _Did that… was that even real?_

Hotch glanced from JJ's tearful gaze to the ground where his phone lay in a million little pieces.

"Aaron?"

"I've… I've—" he stopped abruptly, surprised by the raw sound of his voice. "I've got to go home…"

JJ nodded. Tears slipping from her eyes, she took hold of his hand and led him right out of the precinct.

He didn't know where they were going, he couldn't see. He put a hand to his face and felt wetness.

"Oh God…" he murmured. "Oh God, my boy…"

* * *

><p>Well that's it for now. Hope this first chapter was… interesting. I plan on continuing. Let me know what you think.<p>

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.


	2. Broken

**A/N:** Hey all. Back with a second chapter. So… response to the first chapter was… mixed. Like I said in the first chapter, I've never really written anything like this before. I'm usually a happy fluff writer. But, for this one I'm trying a different kind of story-telling. The storyline is definitely darker, for sure, which I know isn't for everyone. And it's been a difficult thing to write. But, it's a story that came to me and I felt like sharing here. So, with that said, I hope you'll read on and let me know what you think.

**Warnings:** Character death. Rating will go up in future chapters.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 2: Broken:**

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><p>"JJ, how is he?"<p>

JJ let out a sigh. She looked back towards the hallway that led to the bedrooms in Hotch's little apartment. He was in Jack's room, she knew. He hadn't left the room since they'd returned from the hospital.

She opened the front door to his apartment, stepped outside and shut it behind her. She leaned against the wall outside and said, "Not good, Pen. That little boy… Jack," she choked out, "was his world."

Garcia went quiet on the other end; she knew the quirky analyst was trying to get a hold of her emotions. "Should I… should I come over?" Garcia finally asked.

JJ thought back to the moment they'd finally reached the hospital, after hours of being on the plane together in silence, how the man she knew to be so in control had broken down in front of her so completely. She'd only ever seen him in this much pain once before and that was after finding Hailey. But this, this was so much worse. This was losing a child.

"No, I don't think so," JJ said thickly.

"Ok…" Garcia said in understanding. "The others are on their way back as we speak…"

"Good." JJ said, absently, her mind was on the poor broken man inside.

"What can I do, JJ?" Garcia cried into the phone. "I feel completely useless."

JJ wiped at her cheek to find a few loose tears there. "Uh… can you call Will for me? Tell him what's happened. I uh… I can't leave him here, alone."

"Yes, yes, of course," Garcia replied quickly.

"Ok, I should go check on him," JJ said, heart broken.

"Ok… JJ… tell him… Oh God, I don't know," Garcia sobbed. "Just… take care of the boss-man, ok?"

JJ nodded. "I will."

She wasn't going to let him out of her sight anytime soon.

* * *

><p>Hotch wasn't aware of much as he sat in the darkened bedroom. He didn't even realize that the light of day had faded to blackness. All he knew was that his son was gone. His baby boy was gone.<p>

He sat there, on Jack's twin bed, clutching Jack's little soccer jersey to his chest. He looked around his son's bedroom, at the toys and school work scattered here and there.

_How could he be gone? There were still so many signs of life here._

A half eaten apple—browned—probably from this very morning, sitting on the night stand; Jack's favourite comic book tucked under his pillow where he'd sneak it out to read while he should have been sleeping; and everything still had Jack's scent clinging to it.

But it was true, his little boy, Jack... he'd died that very morning. And it wasn't because of some crazed criminal he was constantly chasing.

From what Hotch was told, there had been a torrential downpour this morning when Jack had gotten up for his usual routine. He'd gotten on to his school bus and that's when everything went wrong. The bus driver had lost control and it all ended in disaster. The bus crashed and his little boy had passed on.

"Oh God," Hotch murmured to himself, tears streaming down his face. "Oh God…"

He remembered when the jet landed and he had rushed to the hospital, only vaguely aware of JJ at his side. The whole way there he was hoping beyond reason that Jessica would not say the words and that his fears would not come true. Hoping beyond hope that he would arrive at the hospital and he'd find Jack running out of a room… a cast on his arm… all he had was a broken arm, that's all it was…

But none of his wishes came true. And as the tears came down he had the fleeting thought of, 'Since when do Aaron Hotchner's dreams come true?'

Instead of having his fears dissolved on his arrival to the hospital, seeing Jessica's pale, tear streaked face confirmed everything, and he'd crashed almost instantaneously into her arms sobbing heavily, crying like he'd never cried before… crying like he was dying.

A hospital worker had led him to the doctor that had worked on Jack when he'd been rushed into the emergency room. Jack had sustained severe head trauma that, essentially, left him brain dead. Hearing those words… a big part of Hotch, the best part of him, had died at that very moment.

The doctor then led Hotch and a still silent JJ still to a room where Jack lay motionless. And that's when he practically collapsed; if it wasn't for JJ, hugging him to her, he was sure he would have landed a pile of jelly at the foot of Jack's bed.

He had to close his eyes against the sight of his super still son. He did not want to remember his vibrant boy like that. He would not. That's when JJ had led him out of the room after speaking with the doctor on his behalf and had brought him back here.

She was still here, he knew. But he couldn't muster any bit of energy or care to find her. All he cared about now was the fact that his child was gone.

Looking around his son's sanctuary, he caught sight of the picture on Jack's night stand, one of his mother and him taken shortly before her death.

"Hailey, Jack," he cried out.

_How could he have failed them both?_

He was blinded momentarily when the door to Jack's room creaked open and light from the hallway landed on his face.

"Hotch?" he heard JJ say into the darkness.

He didn't respond; maybe if he didn't she would go and let him be.

"Oh Hotch," she said sadly.

She came and sat next to him. He was surprised when she pulled out of his hand the picture of Jack and Hailey. He hadn't even known he'd even picked it up.

He watched her as her fingertips traced over the angelic features of his son.

"It's not your fault, Aaron," she whispered, so low he'd have missed it if the room wasn't already dead silent.

JJ grasped his hand in hers. "He's with her, you know," she paused as he turned to look at her. "And they're both watching over you now."

She reached a hand out to cup the side of his face. Her thumb brushed under his eye wiping away a tear.

"You know that, at least…"

He put a free hand over top of hers. "JJ," he said, voice hoarse. "I can't do this anymore."

She was shaking her head. "Yes, you can…"

"No, I can't, I don't want to," he denied. "This is wrong. This is all wrong."

JJ gave him a look of complete fear. "Hotch you need to fight, you can't give up. You can't. That's not what _he_ would have wanted."

His sobs burst out from his lips uncontrollably. "JJ… how am I… how am I supposed to live… in a world without my boy?"

He choked on the word 'boy' and JJ was quick to wrap her arms around him. He couldn't help himself; he completely broke down on her shoulder. He was vaguely aware of her saying soothing things to him. All of it meant nothing to him until she said one thing that shined a light at the end of his tunnel.

"Aaron, it's going to be hard. It's going to be unbearable at times. You're going to have more bad days than good, at first. And that's understandable. But one day, Aaron, you're going to live your life and the good days are going to outnumber the bad, because that's what… that's what Jack would want for you," JJ told him firmly. "Jack would want you to live… and I'm going to be here to remind you of that. Always."

* * *

><p>Well that's it for now. Please let me know if you feel that I should continue. And also let me know if you're 'liking' this. Thanks!<p>

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and to review: **Come2MyRescue** _(thx!);_ **FloatingAmoeba; newsyd; canny-bairn **_(it sounds like I'm in trouble)_**; breverson; ChocoboMuffins** _(It's a little bad. Lol. But that's ok);_ **SkySydfan24; jupisan; Starrmyst; DracoMalfoysSweetGirl92; and jekkah **_(uh oh_**).**

If everything goes as planned, I'll be updating soon. See ya.

**And here's a little note from the mod's of Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum: Tonnie and ilovetvalot are diligently working toward the nomination ballot on the second annual "Profilers Choice Awards" hosted by Chit Chat on Author's corner forum. The tentative date to release the categories, informational post and NOMINATION BALLOT is 8/28/11. One week, guys. So, put on your reading hat and look for those stories and authors you adore.**


	3. Sorrow

**A/N:** Hey all! So, so sorry for the long wait for this update. I needed a bit of a break from the sadness of this story. But, I'm back now, and it still is super sad. Got misty eyed when I wrote this one as well. I especially don't recommend listening to The Killers: Goodnight, Travel Well song while reading this like I did while writing this chapter, unless you want to bawl your eyes out… Anyways I hope you… like? enjoy? appreciate? this chapter (hard to find the right adjective for this story).

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 3: Sorrow:**

* * *

><p>JJ shut Hotch's bedroom door behind her after having stood in his doorway for a good twenty minutes watching him sleep. She breathed out a sigh of relief when his sleep seemed to be of the much needed restful kind.<p>

It'd been two days since JJ had rushed back to Quantico with him only to learn that his beautiful little boy had passed on. And in those two days neither of them had seen another soul, even though the team had arrived back a day ago. Hotch hadn't been ready and JJ wasn't about to leave him alone. That he tolerated her presence meant everything to her.

But in those two days neither of them had slept a wink. JJ was worried that his fatigue would only make his grief worse—if possible—and had insisted he at least lie down in his own bed. After leading him to his room she had been ready to go lie down on the couch when Hotch grabbed her hand and said to her in a very hoarse voice, "Don't go." Looking up into his tired, bloodshot eyes all she could see there was his grief and fear. So, she'd nodded her head and followed him into his room.

He lay down and pulled her down with him, both on their sides, with her back to his front. His arm had come to rest around her waist and she found his hand and held onto it, rubbing soothing circles into his palm. The moment was intimate, but not sexual. It was two people in pain taking comfort in each other.

When he'd murmured into her hair that he was afraid to close his eyes, afraid that he'd see his son in horrible, painful contortions, JJ had turned in his embrace to face her friend. She cupped his face with one hand and urged him to only remember the good things about Jack. She'd looked into his eyes and said to him, "Close your eyes, Aaron. See Jack, there, in your memories, laughing, happy. Remember him, always… I won't go anywhere until you fall asleep, if that's what you want…"

He'd squeezed her hand tightly in answer and JJ did not move a muscle. She'd stayed there like that watching his face, the little lines quivering with emotion as he remembered his son. Soon, his face relaxed and he actually looked peaceful. She'd stayed to make sure he was really asleep, but her own fatigue had caught up with her and she'd dozed off.

When she'd awoken, sometime later, Hotch was still asleep; he'd flipped over releasing her from his embrace and allowing her the chance to get up. But she had been reluctant to let him out of her sight, hence her standing in his doorway for twenty whole minutes. But she had some phone calls to make.

JJ went into Hotch's kitchen, the room, JJ deemed, furthest from Hotch's bedroom—the last thing she wanted to do was accidentally wake him after it had taken him so long to get to sleep.

She dialled the first number into her cell phone and waited for a pick up.

"Hello?"

"Will, hi," JJ said into the phone.

"JJ," Will replied urgently. "How are you? How's Hotch?"

JJ smiled a small smile into the phone. Though they'd ended things a year ago, it had been amicable, and she could honestly say that she and Will were good friends.

JJ let out a sigh into the phone at his loaded questions. _How was she? Horrible. How was Hotch? Even worse._

"I'm holding up," she lied. Truthfully, she wanted to burst into tears when she thought of how Jack would never have another play-date with Henry. But she kept it bottled up. Hotch needed someone to be strong for him right now. She would push it down for him.

"And Hotch?" Will kept on.

JJ had to clear her throat from the sudden lump there. "I just got him to go to sleep. He's… he's so sad…"

Major understatement, that was for sure.

"Understandable," Will said sadly. "Have you slept?"

"A little," she replied. "I… I just want to take care of him right now…"

She didn't say that at the moment she really didn't care about herself. All her energy was on the devastated man inside.

"But… uh… how's Henry?" she asked, the reason for her call.

"He's good. Misses his mommy," Will informed her.

"I miss him too," she confessed. Deep down, she wanted to run home and hug her little boy till the end of time. "Would you—" She choked on her words.

"I'll bring him by," Will answered her unasked question.

JJ nodded gratefully, realizing a second later he couldn't see. "Just give my cell phone a call when you get here. I'll come down."

She didn't say that she was afraid having Henry around Hotch might hurt him all the more.

With a few more words JJ hung up and called the number she'd been getting calls from non-stop since they'd found out.

"JJ?" Rossi's voice came urgent from the phone.

"Hey," she replied lamely.

"Damn it, JJ, what's going on over there?" he bit out, clearly angry. "Why aren't you returning my calls?"

"I'm sorry," she answered regretfully. "Hotch is… he's grieving… He asked to be left alone…"

The wind seeming have left Rossi's sails, he said, "Is he… bad? Of course, he's bad… he's lost his son," he answered his own tentative question.

"He just went to sleep. He was afraid to close his eyes," JJ confirmed. "Rossi, I don't know what to do."

JJ heard him exhale a long breath. "Keep doing what you're doing. Be there for him. But get some rest too," he said simply.

She'd try, but every time she closed her eyes nightmares seemed on the verge.

"JJ, Jessica called me," Rossi broke the silence, he seemed hesitant. "The hospital keeps phoning her. We need… to start planning the funeral."

JJ gasped for breath; she wasn't sure why his statement had come as a complete shock to her. She guessed the thought of burying a six year old boy was just so wrong to her.

"I don't know…" she said unsurely, biting her lip to stave off her sob.

"JJ, it needs to be done," Rossi continued gently. "I can do it myself, but it would be best if Hotch… he needs to give his son a proper goodbye."

She couldn't help it, the sob broke free, tears welled up in her eyes and threatened to overflow. She struggled to get herself back in control while Rossi remained silent.

"I'm sorry," she murmured into the phone.

"Don't be, you've got a son, JJ, of course this would hit you hard, maybe harder than any of us."

She nodded. It wasn't just that. In the last few months she'd really gotten to know Jack. They'd been spending more time together because of his friendship with Henry. He'd even begun to call her, 'Aunt JJ.'

"I'll… um… talk to him when he wakes up," JJ let him know. "And I'll talk to him about seeing all of you. He needs _all_ of his friends…"

"Good," Rossi finished.

She hung up the phone and breathed a heavy sigh. Her phone buzzed a second later and she glanced at it to see that she had a text message. It was from Will, "On my way." She knew he'd be there in ten minutes; his apartment wasn't too far from Hotch's.

She needed to check on Hotch before she headed down. She tiptoed down the hallway, past Jack's empty, darkened room and to Hotch's bedroom. As silently as possible, she cracked his door open. Glancing at the bed, Hotch seemed to be still soundly sleeping.

She hoped he was having good dreams. Dreams of Jack and their happy times. "Sleep well," she murmured, shutting the door behind her.

* * *

><p>Well that's it for this one. The next chapter is all written up so I should be able to post it in the next few days. Please, let me know what you think about this chapter. Thanks!<p>

Thanks to everyone who's been following this story and reviewing: **PhantomKnight88; angry penguin; jekkah; breverson; canny-bairn; newsyd; Andi; DracoMalfoysSweetGirl92; deeda; SkySydfan24; Starrmyst; Lostchildofgallifrey; and HotchRocks.**

See ya all soon!


	4. Grief

**A/N:** Hi all. Here's the next chapter as promised. Once again I'd just like to thank all of you who are reading this. It's a tough one to read, as it is to write, but your great comments are the things that made me decide to keep going with this very dark piece. So, thank you!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 4: Grief:**

* * *

><p>JJ exited Hotch's building after making sure she had his keys in her pocket. She didn't want to accidentally lock herself out and have Hotch wonder where she went, even though she'd left him a note.<p>

She walked around to the side of the building where the visitor parking was located. There, standing next to a red car, were Will and her favourite person in the whole world.

"Mommy!" Henry exclaimed once his blue eyed gaze landed on her.

He dashed towards her and she knelt down to catch him in a fierce hug. She held onto him tightly, never wanting to let go. She stroked her baby's hair as she locked eyes with Will, sending him a grateful look. Will nodded in answer.

JJ hefted Henry up into her arms and walked over to stand next to her former partner. "Thank you for this," she murmured to Will.

Her ex-boyfriend put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed; a much needed, comforting gesture.

"Mommy," Henry said, leaning back to gaze at her. "Are you sad 'cause Jack had to go with the angels?"

JJ gasped out loud and glanced at Will.

"I had to tell him why we were coming here in the middle of the night. He wanted to see _him_," Will explained; he didn't have to say who 'him' was, JJ knew. She could see now that Will's eyes were red-rimmed, as well.

"I miss Jack," Henry stated innocently.

A lone tear slipped from JJ's tired eyes. "I know, sweetheart. But Jack is with the nice angels now…"

"And his mommy, too, right? Jack gets to see her, too," Henry said astutely.

The shocked look on Will's face told her that he'd made no mention of Hailey in their brief talk.

"Yes, Henry, he's with his mom, now; she's taking care of him," JJ reassured.

"Good, Jack missed his mommy," Henry confessed. "He's happy now…"

JJ gently urged Henry's head down to her shoulder so as to mask the tears that had started to flow. That Henry and Jack talked about things so heavy with emotion was a wonder to JJ. And it amazed her even more that her baby could connect that with the situation now.

They continued to talk out there for minutes more, JJ steering the conversation to Henry's days without her. He spoke energetically enough that it seemed to rub off on her. She was still beyond sad, but she felt now that she could get through these next few days by Hotch's side, helping him with his grief.

When they'd strapped Henry into his booster seat and she'd kissed him goodbye, she felt loads better.

She stood next to Will on the driver's side.

"Take care of yourself, Jay," Will said affectionately, giving her a friendly kiss on the cheek.

"I'll try…"

* * *

><p>Hotch awoke sometime in the middle of the night, completely disoriented. His brain was an absolute fog. He had no idea of how long he'd slept for or had any memory of even going to bed.<p>

He thought hard. He'd been dreaming. _Jack._ He'd been dreaming about his son. A smile overtook his face. God, he loved his son.

_His son!_

Hotch jumped out of his bed and rushed down the hall. _He had to make sure Jack was up in time for—_

He'd reached Jack's darkened, empty bedroom and it all came rushing back. Jessica's frantic phone call. His trip to the hospital. The doctor's words: _he's gone._

Hotch rushed inside, the sobs already escaping his mouth.

"No!" he shouted at the walls. "No, no, no!"

"Aaron," he heard a quiet voice come from behind him.

He whirled around to see JJ's silhouette in the doorway; light spilled from around her, shadowing her appearance.

"This isn't right," he managed to choke out, before collapsing onto Jack's bed.

She rushed to his side, lowering herself to the bed, embracing him instantaneously. He hugged her back, burying his face into the crook of her neck. He was so afraid to let go of her. _Would she disappear too?_

"Shh…" she murmured; he felt her stroking his hair as if he were a child that needed consoling. It was completely calming. "I'm right here… I'm not leaving…. I'm not going anywhere…"

He pulled back in her embrace to eye her wondrously. _Had she read his mind?_

"Aaron?" she questioned, as he continued to gaze at her. He was so glad she was here. Being alone now… here… he would have gone mad… He still wasn't so sure he wouldn't.

He sunk back into her embrace and she hugged him tightly, without question. Her fingers returned to running through his hair. He took in a deep breath, exhaling it with a whoosh.

"I dreamed about him," he said slowly, voice rough.

He felt a hitch in JJ's movements, almost imperceptible. "What were they about?" she asked hesitantly.

"Good dreams," he replied, her stroke resumed. "When I woke up, I thought—"

"Oh Aaron," she breathed out, he felt her press her lips right above his ear. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there… I stepped outside…"

She trailed off. He felt like the appropriate thing to do would be to reassure her that she didn't need to be there 24/7. But he couldn't bear to say the words. Too afraid that she'd listen to him.

"I miss him," he said his voice coming out wondrously. "I saw him three days ago and I miss him like—"

He choked on the words. He was going to say: like he hadn't seen him in forever. But they were too close to reality, that he wouldn't see Jack _for _forever.

JJ pulled back in the embrace this time. Arms were still around him but she was looking at him, now. The blue eyes that shone like the bright sky of a sunny day were clouded with grief and sorrow as she stared into his eyes.

"Rossi called," she started tentatively.

He could see it in her eyes, it was time for him to say goodbye. "I don't think I can do this," he reiterated, his stomach suddenly queasy with even the thought of burying his little boy.

She cupped his face in both hands, wiping his tears away that he hadn't even known he'd been crying. It's going to be hard," she confirmed. "It may be unbearable… but Aaron, Jack deserves a goodbye from his daddy…"

Hotch nodded. She was right. His eyes blurred as he laid his head on her shoulder. _By God she was right, but why did right have to feel so wrong?_

"Rossi wants to see you, too, so does everyone else," she murmured. "We all want to be there for you. You don't have to be alone. I won't leave you alone…"

* * *

><p>Well that's it for this one. If anyone is wondering, I'm keeping the chapters short on purpose. I think with such a hard topic that too much in one chapter may be a bad thing.<p>

Anyways, I would love to hear what you all think of this latest chapter. Thanks!

Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing: **whimsical-one-ga; Sarmoti** _(thank you);_ **jekkah; SkySydfan24; HotchRocks; deeda** _(sorry);_ **and MegKate** _(thanks)._

I'll try my best to update soon!


	5. Anguish

**A/N:** Hi all. Sorry for the wait for this chapter, life is pretty busy these days. Anyways, here's the next chapter. Thank you for taking the time to read.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 5: Anguish:**

* * *

><p>"Thank you for coming," Hotch said absently to the group.<p>

JJ had watched him closely as each team member—each family member, essentially—had taken their turn giving Hotch their condolences. He was far from being all there, far from being cognizant of what was going on around him. It broke JJ's heart to see the usual stoic, but in control Unit Chief, so lost. He really was a shadow of himself.

"I… I need to… go," he said abruptly.

He started to leave the room; JJ stood and gave his shoulder a squeeze before he disappeared down the hall.

"Oh my," Garcia uttered into the sudden silence.

JJ turned to face her friends, all looking worse for the wear.

"He's worse…" Morgan murmured. When JJ threw him a confused look, he added, "Then when Hailey died."

JJ nodded. But it was Rossi that answered, "Of course, this is losing a child. This is… so much worse."

She took a look at the older man; Rossi suddenly looked like he was a million miles away. The look on his face was so… tragic. It made her wonder.

"What do we do, JJ?" Emily asked with sad eyes.

"Yeah, we want to help," Reid added.

She let out a sigh. "It may not seem like it, but he needs you guys here. He needs the people who care for him most here. So, please, no matter how despondent he may seem don't give up on him."

"Never," Garcia said vehemently. "Boss-man will have to pry us off of him."

JJ gave her best friend a small smile. "Good," she said. "He'll need us. But I think, today, he's done, guys…"

Rossi gave her an urgent eye. _The funeral_. It couldn't wait any longer. She gave him an understanding look.

Morgan stood up. "Call us if you need anything," he offered sincerely.

She nodded, giving each one a hug in turn before, one by one, they exited Hotch's apartment. All that remained in the room was herself and Rossi.

"I'll check on him," she told him. "He knows this needs to be done."

He gave her a nod. She started for the hallway, but Rossi's voice stopped her in her tracks.

"He's lucky to have you by his side."

She let out a sigh. "There's nowhere I'd rather be."

* * *

><p>"And though Jack was young…"<p>

_Focus on the breeze, Aaron,_ he told himself, _the sun, the trees… anything…_

Anything but this moment right now. Anything but the fact that they were burying his little boy right now. Hotch glanced at the small casket covered in Jack's soccer jersey. It was so wrong that coffins came in that size.

"…he touched many people's lives…" the Priest continued.

_Oh God…_ Hotch thought frantically. Why was he here? Why did he agree to be here? He did not want to be here, did not want to hear this. And he certainly did not want to witness the lowering of the casket into the cold, hard ground. _This was just so wrong._

Hotch was about ready to bolt, when the squeeze of his hand grounded him.

He looked down at his fingers, laced with JJ's. She'd taken his hand that very morning and he didn't think she'd let go ever since. He let his gaze wander up their arms to find her waiting to meet his gaze. Her expression was one of devastation; in her blue eyes, tears unshed, glistened for him, for Jack. But it was her touch that said it all; her touch told him to hold on.

"Aaron?"

The sound of his name being called broke him away from her gaze; the gaze that, he realized, was keeping him sane. He looked around and found the Priest looking at him.

"Aaron would you like to say a few words?" the man asked gently.

For a moment, complete panic took him over. _No, of course he would not like to say anything! _And then the gentle feel of JJ's thumb rubbing circles into his palm had the panic subsiding.

There was still a lump in his throat as he attempted to speak. "Uh… Jack was my little boy… I love—loved him… more than anything…" he couldn't do this, tears were already flowing, and sobs were next. "He… he was my boy…"

JJ pulled him into her embrace, holding him tight.

It was some time later when she let him go and he realized it was over. Everyone had begun to leave, giving him sad looks but saving their words of condolence for the wake to be held at Rossi's home later. JJ pulled on their still entwined hands.

"Come on," she said, voice low. "Let's get something to eat and then get some rest."

He nodded his head and obediently followed.

"Mommy!" a voice called out.

And for a second Hotch's heart skipped a beat. It was a young voice, so full of life and joy, so like Jack's, and when a blonde headed boy bounded towards them he had to do a double take.

But, as the little boy ran straight for JJ, Hotch soon realized that his eyes were playing tricks on him and this was JJ's young son, Henry, not Jack. Hotch watched the little boy latch onto JJ's legs. JJ shot him a look full of warring emotions.

On the one hand she was so happy to see her son, and on the other she was afraid that this was too much for him. And as Hotch stared down at the young boy that had spent many an occasion playing with his son, he realized that maybe it was a bit too much. His breath started coming out in rapid bursts.

"Henry!" Will's voice called out.

The man joined them soon after.

"Will," JJ scolded. "What's he doing here?"

JJ had let go of Hotch's hand to pick up her little boy.

"I wanted to say bye to Jack, mommy," the little boy informed her.

Hotch gazed at the boy, blue eyes so like his mother's. The boy reached a hand out to Hotch, a white rose in his little fist. "Don't be sad, Hotch," Henry urged. "Jack's happy. He's with his mommy, now."

Hotch took the rose from the little boy, seeing him through blurred eyes. "Th… thank you, Henry," he managed to get out.

"Ok, Henry," JJ started very quickly. "Time to go home with daddy."

Henry hugged her tight. "I miss you, mommy."

Hotch's heart was already in tiny little pieces, but to hear that he was keeping JJ away from her son only made his heart feel worse. The words he said next were the hardest to say.

"I'm all right JJ, go home to Henry," he even managed to say them without stumbling.

She gazed at him long and hard, something passing in those blue eyes that he couldn't define.

"Henry," JJ began, "Mommy needs to take Hotch home, ok. But, I'll come over to daddy's to read you a story, ok?"

"Little star?" Henry exclaimed.

"Yep," she said, giving him a watery smile.

Hotch watched on as she gave the little boy a kiss. "Love you," she said before Will took Henry from her.

Once out of sight, he heard her take a breath before she turned around to face him, holding out her hand. He stared at the hand for a moment.

"JJ…" he began.

"Aaron," she cut him off in protest.

"You need to go home," he continued, anyways. "Henry needs you."

He watched her frown, hand dropping. She nodded. "Yes, he does. And I'll go to him later tonight. Right now I need to be here."

JJ held out her hand to him once again. He should have insisted she leave him, go home to her son. God knew that he knew how precious any time spent with your child was. But he was weak. And he didn't want to be alone. He couldn't bare the idea of being alone. So, in the next instant, he was taking her hand, holding on to JJ for dear life.

"Good" she said, warmth in her blue eyes. "Now, let's go eat, ok."

He nodded. "Ok."

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><p>Well that's it for this chapter. Please let me know what you think of this story so far. Thanks!<p>

Thanks to everyone who's been reading and reviewing: **angry penguin; whimsical-one-ga; newsyd; MegKate; Sarmoti; Jamnut; and Hotchrocks.**

Happy New Year!


	6. Suffering

**A/N:** Hey all! Here's the next chapter of Death and Happiness. It may be the only one so far to not leave you in tears, though it still is pretty sad. Let me know what you think! Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 6: Suffering:**

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><p>JJ glanced at her watch as she listened to the phone ringing at the other end, apparently uselessly. <em>Where was he?<em> she thought, frantically. It was late morning back in D.C., he should have been answering. She was more than a little worried. Now she was regretting letting him talk her into going on the case with the team.

* * *

><p><em>JJ finished up the dishes as she watched Hotch flip through the channels aimlessly. It had been a month since he'd buried his son. He was better. But JJ was no fool; she knew he still hurt something terrible. And it was moments like this, silence between them, that she could see just how much Jack's death weighed down on him.<em>

_Wiping at the counter, she considered her new position in his life. She'd practically moved in. Her things were strewn all about Hotch's guest room. The team had been on stand down for the past month and JJ was using that time to take care of the lost man before her. Henry was now living with Will full time. She saw her son regularly and she knew that the temporary change was for the best. _

_JJ let out a sigh, taking off her apron. She was doing everything in her power to make life easier for Hotch, even, if she were honest with herself, putting her own life on hold. She didn't know why she did what she did; she wouldn't allow herself a moment of time to even consider what her motives were. But she just felt like this is where she needed to be._

"_I saw you got a call from the BAU," Hotch broke the silence with his quiet statement._

_She came around the kitchen to face him. JJ gave him a quizzical look. He pointed to her phone on the coffee table. She grabbed it as she came to sit next to him on the sofa._

_She started to dial for her voicemail and listened as Rossi let her know they were called to a case in Texas._

"_So?" he gave her a raised eyebrow._

"_I can't go," she said adamantly, shaking her head just as fiercely._

"_JJ," he said tenderly. "You need to go."_

_Caught off guard by his tone—the first time he'd spoken to her like that—she stared at him blankly. She met his sad, dark eyed gaze. She could see he was silently trying to tell her he'd be all right, but would he really?_

"_Hey," he started warmly, his hand reached out hesitantly to touch her cheek._

_JJ held her breath, not exactly knowing what this new gesture meant. His fingers lingered there, softly caressing the skin of her cheek. She couldn't take her eyes away from his. At one point in her life she would have said that he was a near emotionless man. But that was wrong. He just hid his feelings. Not now, not anymore. In his eyes, she saw more pain than she thought was imaginable for one person to feel. But she also saw his warmth and affection for her. And suddenly she realized that he was grateful to her for being there. She felt strangely good at knowing that he needed her there. That she wasn't a pest for hanging around._

"_I'll be all right," he assured her._

_His fingers dropped and he turned back to the TV. She continued to sit there, watching him, wondering if what he said was the truth._

* * *

><p>"JJ?" she heard Rossi's voice bringing her out of her memory.<p>

She turned around to see that he was frowning at her. "He's not answering," she said promptly. "I've called him like five times today and he hasn't picked up. I'm worried, Dave."

Rossi let out a sigh; without a word he led her to sit at the conference room table. "I'm worried about you," he countered.

Her mouth dropped open. "What are you talking about?" JJ said tersely. "I'm not the one who lost my son. I'm not the one who's sitting at home alone, while all his friends are in freaking Texas!"

"Garcia's still there, if you want you can ask her to check on Aaron," Rossi offered, voice soothing, as if he spoke to a skittish doe.

JJ instantly perked up at the thought. "You're a genius!" she exclaimed, instantly going to her phone.

Dave put a hand over hers to still her already dialing thumb. She shot him a confused look. "Wait," he stated, "I meant what I said, I'm worried about you."

She made an annoyed sound, trying to brush off his unwarranted concern. "Dave, I'm fine. I just need to be _there_."

"That's just it, JJ. You're so busy taking care of him, are you taking care of yourself? What about Henry?"

"Henry is living with Will. I see him every day," JJ informed him angrily. "And he lost Jack, Dave; he needs someone to take care of him."

Rossi's lips formed a thin line. "Yeah, Jack's gone. He died over a month ago."

JJ shook her head, trying to block out his words as much as to stave off the tears that threatened with his cruel words. "That's not fair. You don't know what it's like to lose someone so young!" she exclaimed. "It will take a lifetime to get over what Hotch is going through."

"JJ," Dave began, his voice surprisingly hoarse.

She looked up to meet his gaze. He looked… devastated. "I do know," he finished.

JJ gasped. "Dave…" she murmured, "I'm sorry…"

Questions flew through her mind, but not one did she voice.

"Look," he said gently. "I know what it's like caring for a grieving person. It's all consuming… You can lose yourself in their grief. I… I just don't want to see that for you. I know Hotch doesn't either, he's just so caught up in all this… rightfully so…"

JJ gave him a small smile. "Thank you, Dave, for your concern. It's noted and I'll… I'll be careful. But I just can't let him be…"

The older man let out a sigh, not saying more. JJ stood up, ready to get back on the case. The sooner they got this un-sub, the sooner she could get back to Hotch. She wouldn't stop worrying until she was at his side.

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><p>Well that's it for this chapter. Next chapter we'll see what Hotch has been up to and it's not going to be pleasant.<p>

Thanks to everyone who's been reading and reviewing: **Myspaceisdaocean; angry penguin; jekkah; whimsical-one-ga; and Hotch Rocks.**

I'll try to update soon. The next chapter will be a hard one to write and the rating may go up as well.


	7. Poison

**A/N:** Hey all! Sorry for the wait on this one, been a bit busy. This one isn't much different than the others, it's still sad, even had me teary eyed too. I hope you'll let me know what you think!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 7: Poison:**

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><p>JJ sat in her hotel room, unable to sleep. The un-sub was still at large, but Rossi had asked her to get some rest. Her frustration over both the murders and Hotch being MIA had gotten to her and everyone could see it.<p>

But her mind was going a mile a minute; even if she wanted to sleep, she wouldn't be able to. Her mind was solely on Hotch now. She had to know where he was. That's why she'd phoned Garcia on her way back to the hotel and had asked her to go to his apartment to check on him.

Now, as her brain raced, she sat waiting for Garcia's reassuring phone call. God, she hoped he was all right. She would never forgive herself if something were to happen to him. It wasn't as if she thought he'd hurt himself, not intentionally, anyways, but she knew that anything could happen.

"Come on, JJ," she scolded herself for thinking morbidly. "He's fine…"

He'd been better, lately. But she knew Jack was on his mind almost all the time. She had tried to make it her mission to get his mind on other things, on life, in little ways. Watching the latest football game together, getting him involved in Garcia's wedding planning, inviting Rossi over to dinner one night, but in reality it had only been one month since Jack's death. How much moving on could one man do in that time?

JJ put her head into her hands. God, she missed Jack. Before he'd died, the four of them, Henry included, had been spending a lot of time together. As friends, of course. But JJ couldn't deny the fact that she'd hoped for more. Back then all her worries had been about whether or not Hotch could potentially have feelings for her. Those were easier times; she longed for them.

Man, she didn't know why she was even thinking about that. All she knew was that she was going to go stir crazy if she had to sit there much longer with no news. She stood up and began to pace.

When her phone rang minutes later, she all but pounced on it, flipping it open without even seeing who it was first.

"Garcia?" she said quickly, "Did you find him? Is he all right?"

She heard her friend's answering sigh and knew this wasn't going to be good news. "I'm here, at the apartment. He's not here, JJ. I don't think he's been here for a couple of days."

JJ's stomach dropped at the news. She might have been sick, if she had the time for that.

"JJ? JJ?" Garcia said urgently. "You still there?"

"Yeah," JJ answered, thinking quickly. "Head back to the Bureau, see if you can get the GPS on his phone working."

"All right," her friend replied. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm coming home," she said simply, surely.

* * *

><p>Hotch let out a sigh as he wondered what exactly Jack would be doing this very moment if he were still alive. Soccer practice? School? Sleeping? God, he didn't even know what time it was… He felt a sharp pain in his chest at even thinking about his sweet boy.<p>

"Another," Hotch said to the bartender, gesturing to his empty cup.

The man frowned at him. "Don't you think you've had enough?"

An image of his baby boy flashed into his mind, happy, smiling, causing Hotch to almost gasp for breath. No, he definitely had not had enough. He could feel again.

"Sorry man, we've all got troubles," the bartender refused him.

Hotch would have punched the man out if he could muster up the ability to care. Troubles? What troubles could he possibly have that could compare to his? His son was dead. Who could he even begin to care about…

A flash of JJ decided to pop into his head then. At one time he would have allowed himself to pursue that flash. But not now. JJ did not need a broken man in her life. JJ did not need him.

Almost from the second she'd left on the case he'd been drinking. First, all the alcohol in the house, then, when he'd exhausted his stash, moving on to the first bar he could get at. He'd gone from bar to bar, only going home to pass out or change his drink ridden clothes. He was determined to keep himself in an alcohol-induced stupor. It was the only way he could stave off all the feelings.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he felt ashamed by his actions. After all, he'd told JJ he'd be all right without her. And there he was, getting up to find another bar, acting anything but all right. But he couldn't help it; he just wanted to feel numb. He couldn't think about Jack without the knife feeling in his chest. It was just too much pain.

He stumbled out of the bar; not drunk, but not completely with it either. Hotch looked right, and then left, wondering where a bar was that he hadn't been already pitied out of. He turned left, not recognizing that section of street.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to see that it was JJ calling, yet again. He didn't want to talk to her. He didn't want her to be dragged down into his misery with him. As far as he was concerned he was poison to be around right now. However, he hadn't had the courage to tell her this himself. Because he knew things were easier with her around, almost… normal. But keeping her in his life was not fair to her. That's why he'd encouraged her to go on the case. With any luck, she'd remember that that was her life. Not the one she was sharing with him now.

The phone continued to ring. And he continued to stand there staring at it. It wasn't as if he didn't want to answer her. She was the only thing that had got him through this past month. He just knew it was the right thing to do.

"Are you ever going to answer that?" a wry voice said.

He looked up, blinking a couple of times, coming face to face with the only other person he thought about these days.

"I found him, Garcia," JJ said into the phone at her ear. "I will…"

She flipped closed the phone, shoving her hands into her pockets. She didn't move, but her eyes moved over him in a frantic motion. He wondered what she was searching for. If she was disgusted by his appearance—he hadn't shaved in days. If she was disgusted by him.

He took her silence and looked her over in turn. She looked tired, exhausted, really, and he suddenly felt horrible, because he knew that he'd caused this.

Without words, she threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. For a second, he was unsure of what to do; torn over hugging her back or shoving her away from him. But the second he heard her soft sobs he knew he would not have the heart to push her away right then. He didn't want to.

Hotch wrapped his arms around her, holding her close, letting her cry out her frustrations, letting himself shed a few tears as well.

* * *

><p>Well that's it for this one. Please let me know what you think. I think the next chapter may have the rating move up to M, but not a hundred percent sure yet.<p>

Thanks to everyone who's been reading and reviewing: **Swhoodie** (_thanks!)_; **rubberducky96** _(umm not sure if you're still reading, but thanks for giving it a chance)_; **AJ Fisher; angry penguin; cannybairn; HotchRocks; Jotchprossi18; whimsical-one-ga; Aradatam; and jekkah.**

Hope to update soon.


	8. Hate

**A/N:** Hey all! Here's another sad chapter for you. But, I think you'll see it's a bit different, too. I haven't changed the rating to M. But, I would say this chapter has a strong T rating (nothing graphic or anything). So… I hope you'll let me know what you think. Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 8: Hate:**

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><p>Hotch threw his jacket over the couch, taking in his surroundings, seeing his apartment as JJ would be seeing it. The place was a pigsty, a complete disaster zone. There were clothes tossed here and there, dirty dishes piled high on the coffee table, take out boxes and containers from the moment she left.<p>

"Hotch…" she breathed out sadly. _Too_ sadly. Something clicked inside him.

"Don't," he said sharply.

She looked at him incredulously, piteously. He hated that look from anyone. But from her, it hurt even worse.

"Aaron," she tried again, but then shook her head. "I shouldn't have left…"

He grimaced at her words. An extension of her look. "You can't hang around here forever, JJ," he barked out.

Hotch regretted his tone when she flinched instantly. Her blue eyes, wide with unshed tears, stared at him. Hurt. He would take that over pity, though.

Gently, he began again, "I'm a grown man, JJ."

She nodded. "I know… but you've lost…" He shook his head, willing her, urging her to stop, "… Jack."

"So what?" he yelled; she jumped back from him. "So what! I've lost Jack. He's gone. You can't stay here forever, watching me… you can't, JJ. You need to live… and I need to—"

"What?" she shouted back, cutting him off. He hated the accusation in her eyes. Hated it all the more because he knew and she knew that it wasn't entirely unfounded.

He tried to turn away from the sight of her. But she grabbed his elbow in a firm, unrelenting grip.

"And you what, Aaron?" she said, voice bubbling over with her suppressed rage. "You need to die?"

The air noisily whooshed from her lungs. She looked surprised, taken aback by her own words. His words really. He didn't move, didn't open his mouth to deny. He just stood there, watching her sadly. She was fighting for him. And he didn't want her to.

"Aaron…" she whispered his name, color draining from her face. "No…"

Taking advantage of her current distress, he broke away from her grasp. Needing to put distance between them, for her sake. His presence was already corrupting her.

"You need to leave, JJ," he told her firmly. "Go home… go home, be with Henry. I'm… done…"

Her mouth dropped open; he could see shock flood her bright, lively eyes. She was so beautiful and he didn't want his ugliness tainting her further. Still, she shook her head furiously.

"Please…" he said, begging with her to listen.

She needed to get away from him. He would bring no one else down with him. Least of all, her. She had always represented all that was good and pure in this world. He needed to preserve that.

"No, Aaron, no," she denied.

He watched the shock melt away to be replaced with determination and something else that he would not even dare attempt to name. She closed the distance between them; her small, soft hands went to either side of his stubbly face. He wanted to pull away, but the minute she touched him he knew he wouldn't be able to.

"Aaron, I'm not going anywhere," she murmured.

The look in her eyes echoed her words. Tentatively, she leaned forward and placed a kiss on one cheek. He closed his eyes at the feel of her lips on his skin. The sensation was the most he'd allowed himself to feel all month. She pulled back, only to mimic the motion on the other cheek.

He opened his eyes, ready to plead with her. "JJ, please, how many more need to die because they loved me… I'm not worth it…" He realized he was sobbing now. She leaned back into him kissing his cheek, his forehead through his tears. "Oh God, I'm not worth it… please…"

She paused briefly. "Shh…" she urged him.

She didn't say anything else but her expression said it all, tender, loving, she believed he was. She was wrong. And he had to find a way to tell her this.

"JJ—"

She cut him off with the urgent press of her lips to his. Her arms wrapped around his body, molding him to her. He couldn't help it. His arms, as if of their own volition, snaked around her, practically crushing her in his embrace as he held on for dear life.

Her lips moved against his, hungrily, dominantly, urging him back to life. She pushed the tip of her tongue against the seam of his lips, demanding entry. He submitted. The minute her tongue twined with his own something inside him sparked.

Somehow, they made it to his bedroom clothes discarded along the way. They fell to his bed in a tangle of limbs, he overtop of her.

This was it. The moment to pull away. To leave her before the darkness inside of him could infect her, too. But as his hands skimmed over the smoothness of the skin at her hip, and she reached for him again, kissing him as if she could breathe life back into him, he knew he was too weak. Knew that this was who he was, the corrupter of the innocent, the taker of lives.

With one fluid thrust forward he entered her quickly. She cried out, momentarily caught off guard. He wondered what he thought he was doing, potentially hurting the one person who meant the most to him now.

He wrenched his lips away from her intending on pulling away.

"Don't," she said breathlessly.

He searched her eyes, looking for that pity, looking for a reason to pull away. But all he found was hunger… for him.

She reached for him, hands on his hips pressing him on. The little bit of control he had left snapped and he thrust his body forward over and over again, her body meeting his motion for motion.

He felt the pressure, the pleasure building inside of him, in the pit of his stomach. He was so close.

"Aaron," JJ murmured his name so lovingly as he felt her coming, claiming her release.

"Oh God," he moaned, seconds away from his own. "JJ…"

Her hand pressed to his cheek. "Open your eyes, Aaron."

He did as she asked, his dark gaze locked onto her blue one. In that moment he could see everything. How much he meant to her… how hard his pain was on her… how much she wanted to be there for him… If only he'd let her.

"Let go," she insisted. He moved in her… in… out… "Let go," she pleaded.

And he did. For the moment, for her, he let go. Let himself feel something other than pain, sorrow, regret and guilt. For the moment he let go of his hate and felt the opposite, for her. For the moment.

Crying out his release, JJ kissed him tenderly in that moment as if she'd never let him go. And he guessed she wouldn't. What was he going to do about that fact, he didn't know yet? All he knew was that she was much too precious to him to actually be with him.

He pulled away from her kiss, still leaning over her. His hand went up to caress her cheek as she looked at him with those gorgeous eyes, no longer filled with pity.

* * *

><p>Well that's it for this chapter. Intense, right? I hope you enjoyed this installment. It's kind of a turning point for Hotch… not out of the woods just yet, but it will be better for him.<p>

Thanks to everyone who's been sticking with this, reading and reviewing: **angry penguin; jekkah; whimsical-one-ga; candy; AJ Fisher; laurenrules334; and Hotch Rocks.**

See ya!


	9. Denial

**A/N:** Hey all! Sorry for the wait. Life has been super busy lately. If you can bear with me until the end of June, updates will come a lot faster than. Anyways… I hope you enjoy this chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 9: Denial:**

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><p>JJ lay in Hotch's arms, her cheek pressed to his bare chest. She could feel the 'thump-thump' of his heart. She never knew that so simple a sound could be so good.<p>

They'd spent the rest of the night in each other's arms, making love and holding each other close. No words, just sighs and caresses. She had never implicitly thought that this would happen between them. It hadn't been her intention. But she was so glad that it had. Being together, looking into Hotch's eyes, his soul really, she honestly believed that she might have gotten through to him. There was no other option. She couldn't lose him. Just the thought of losing him killed her.

She pulled back the arm that was lying across his body and used her hand to wipe at the sudden tears.

JJ felt Hotch's hand run through her hair. "Hey… you all right?" he asked worriedly.

She leaned back a bit so she could look him in the eye. She gave him a content smile. "Yeah, fine. I'm happy."

He gave her a dubious look and she couldn't help but press her lips to his in a slow, lazy kiss.

"JJ," he breathed out when they pulled apart. "We still need to talk…"

She nodded, cupping her hand to his scratchy face. "I know… first, why don't you take a shower and I'll make us some breakfast, all right?"

He nodded his head, turning it to kiss her palm before she pulled away from, taking the sheet with her.

* * *

><p>The second she'd left the bedroom she heard a knock at the front door. Frowning, she wondered who it could be so early in the morning. She was so not dressed for visitors; the sheet was still wrapped around her body. Still, she decided to at least see who it was through the peep hole.<p>

Walking towards the door, whoever it was decided to pound on it once again. She rushed over, eager to silence whoever it was. She did not want them disturbing Hotch.

Glancing through the hole, she saw a distorted version of a haggard, anxious looking Rossi. Realizing at that moment that she hadn't told him she was leaving for home, she could imagine how furious he was with her.

Bracing herself, she opened the door. "Dave," she greeted grimly.

He rushed into the apartment in a flurry, not really looking at her. "Do you have any idea how worried about you I've been? You take off from the hotel without telling anyone, and then I find out from Garcia that you were searching the city for Aaron. And then nothing!"

Dave rounded on her, finally looking at her, eyes livid. He took a breath and she could see that he was taking in her current state of undress. The angry look was replaced with worry. She blushed under the scrutiny of his look.

"What the hell happened last night?" he questioned shrewdly. His eyes narrowed when she blushed even brighter.

"Please, Dave, keep your voice down," she pleaded, her own voice barely above a whisper. He seemed about to argue so she put her hand up for him to wait. "I found him last night, leaving a bar. I brought Aaron back home… He was so desperate for me to let him…"

She trailed off; she could not repeat the words that were exchanged last night. But she could see from the wide-eyed look on Rossi's face that he got the idea.

"I uh…" She didn't know what words to use to describe how she believed she'd brought him from the brink. "We talked. He's better now."

"He's better now?" he said, tone conveying his incredulity at her words.

She shot him another pleading look. "Don't say it like that, Dave. You didn't see him before… you didn't see him after… he's changed…"

She could see it on the older agent's face, the fact that he believed she was lying to herself. She wasn't. He didn't see the look on Hotch's face when she'd pleaded with him to let go. And he had. She really felt that Hotch would be able to move on now.

Dave let out a sad sigh. He closed the distance between them, putting his hands on her bare shoulders. His touch was warm and comforting. He urged her to meet his gaze. She did.

"JJ, sweetheart, I'm sorry, he's not better, it's obvious that he needs some help," Dave said gently.

She shook her head furiously. "I'm here. I'll help him. I… I love him…"

JJ had no idea what Dave was suggesting, but she was sure, when the sad look took over his face, she wasn't going to like it.

She felt him attempt to rub soothing circles into her skin. "I know you do. But I'm not sure being here with him now, like this," he started, looking her up and down, "is healthy for either of you."

"I won't leave him, Dave," she said angrily. "Look what happened when I— I could have lost him…"

She didn't want to let them, but the tears took over. The possibility of something happening to Aaron hit her hard.

"Oh God…" she groaned through her tears. "I could have lost him…"

Dave pulled her close, holding her while she spent the tears she hadn't really shed last night. After a few minutes, she calmed down, but stayed in his embrace.

"You didn't lose him, JJ," Dave reassured her. "And you won't. But we can't ignore this."

She didn't know what to say to that. She honestly believed that she'd gotten through to him last night.

"Is everything all right?" Hotch's low voice came from nearby.

JJ pulled back to see Hotch watching them carefully from the corridor to the bedrooms. Concern washed over his face when his gaze landed on JJ's tearstained face. "JJ?"

He took the few steps towards her, cupping her face in his hands. His dark eyes searched her gaze, looking for the cause of her distress. She could see the question there, wondering if he'd caused this. She shook out of his grasp.

"I'm all right, Aaron," she assured. "I'll go get dressed and then I'll start on breakfast…"

Hotch nodded, still looking uncertain. She didn't like that, didn't want him to think he was causing her pain. So she leaned into him, pressing a kiss into his lips, aware that Dave's eyes were on them.

A second later they pulled apart. She gave Dave, who was frowning intensely, a wave and fled the room.

* * *

><p>"What did I just walk in on, Dave?" Hotch wanted to know after watching JJ flee the scene.<p>

He threw his old friend a suspicious look.

"Nothing, Aaron," Rossi said absently.

Hotch let out a sigh, letting it go. "Fine, what are you doing here?"

"I'm checking on you and JJ, no one's heard from either of you all night," Rossi explained. "Now I see why."

"Dave—" Hotch started, frowning.

"Sit down, Aaron," Rossi ordered. "I think we need to talk…"

* * *

><p>Well that's it for this chapter. It's one of my favorites so I hope you enjoyed it too.<p>

Thanks to everyone who's been reading and reviewing: **samcarter1980; laurenrules334; angry penguin; CMFAN2009; jekkah** _(see not too big of a JJ/Rossi moment, lol)_; **sugarhigh9394; and Hotch Rocks.**

I'll try to update soon! :)


	10. Remembrance

**A/N:** Hey all! Because I've been forbidden to watch the Criminal Minds season finale by my sisters until they get home, I've decided to give this one a quick update. This chapter is pretty short, but I hope you'll still enjoy it. I hope you'll let me know what you think. Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 10: Remembrance:**

* * *

><p>"I don't have anything to say, Dave," Hotch stated firmly, as he sat down on his sofa.<p>

He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the man defiantly. He was not going to do this. He was not about to sit there and talk about his damned feelings. There wasn't much to say anyways. Life was pretty much hell, basically.

_Don't say that, _a faint voice in his head chided. _You have JJ…_

True, she was the one bright spot in his life these days. But really, how long would it be before she realized that with him was not where she was supposed to be? It was inevitable; one day, JJ would be gone from his life and then he'd have no one. And then what would be the point to go on living? He sure as hell couldn't see one.

"That's fine, Aaron," Rossi replied determinedly. "Because I've got a lot I want to talk about."

"Don't start," Hotch protested. "Telling me what I did was stupid is not going to change things, so just save it, please."

Dave shook his head. The man had always been stubborn. "Did I ever tell you about my son, James?"

Hotch's eyes widened. He had no idea that his best friend was a father.

Rossi nodded his head. "Yeah, I have a son… he was beautiful…"

Pain shot through Hotch's heart. "Was?" he choked out.

"Mm hmm." He let out sigh and took a seat in Hotch's chair. "He died the day he was born… complications from the labor. Almost lost Carolyn, too. That day was… still is, the best and worst day of my life."

Rossi paused and Hotch allowed him the silent moment in remembrance. His friend looked sad, like he was reliving the moment over again.

Losing a child was hell. The most painful thing he'd ever experienced. And he'd been through being stabbed nine times and his wife's murder. Nothing compared to the agony of losing Jack, his beautiful boy. He could not imagine it being different for Dave, either. And yet here he was, what he was sure was some thirty years later, still pushing forward. He had no idea how he did it.

"I'm… I'm sorry," Hotch said awkwardly.

Rossi let out a sigh. "Don't be. That little baby changed my life, made me into the person I am today. Though I wish things could have been different, I know that everything possible was done to keep him alive. And I know that nothing I did or did not do caused his death. It was what it was. James was not meant to live more than a day."

Hotch blew out a breath. He could see that the man was trying to equate the two situations. But it wasn't the same. He'd had six lovely years with Jack. And he'd believed he'd have more…

"Look, all I'm trying to say is that you did nothing wrong. It was just… Jack's time… and you can't blame yourself for his death, Aaron, you just can't…"

Hotch let out a mirthless chuckle. "Jack's time? What kind of world is this that a person's time comes before they've barely begun to live? I just… I can't…"

"It's the same world that's also given you the love of that angel of a woman down the hall…"

Hotch's mouth dropped open. _JJ… loved him?_

"She doesn't love me, Dave," Hotch denied quickly.

Dave shook his head. "She does. And for her sake and your own I'd like you to consider talking to a professional—"

"No way!" he replied adamantly.

"You know what?" Rossi's tone suddenly changed from gentle to hard. He grimaced at him. "That is not a request. Find someone to talk to or I will be forced to take drastic measures."

Hotch's eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't…"

"There are people who care about you, Hotch. Me. JJ. The team. We need you. I will not allow you to give up. It's not an option. End of story. So, either you get the help you need, or I'll be forced to help you get it."

* * *

><p>Well that's it for this chapter. I know, no JJHotch interaction. More of that to come soon. But, I felt this Hotch/Rossi conversation was needed now, so I hope you liked.

Anyways, just wanted to say thanks to everyone who's been reading and to those who have been reviewing: **whimsical-one-ga; Hotch Rocks; and sugarhigh9394**.

Did I scare people away with last chapter's brief, tiny JJ/Rossi moment? Lol.

Let me know what you think of this chapter, thanks!


	11. Apologies

**A/N:** Hey all. Here's the latest chapter. Hope you like and hope you let me know what you think. Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 11: Apologies:**

* * *

><p>JJ pulled her SUV up in front of the downtown office building. She put the car in park, but left the motor running. Letting out a sigh, she turned to look at her passenger.<p>

"Are… are you sure you don't want me to come up with you?" she asked tentatively. They'd already talked about this and he'd been pretty adamant about only accepting a ride from her, nothing else. "I… I could wait, I don't mind…"

"No," Aaron replied harshly.

She winced at his tone, nodding her head. She'd known what his answer would be, so why she bothered pushing she did not know.

A second later, she heard him sigh. "I'm sorry, JJ…"

"No, it's all right," she allowed; nevertheless, she was grateful for the apology.

He turned to face her, eyes soft. Moments like this she could see the old Hotch behind the pain. "I'll be all right, really," he assured. "Go. I'm sure Henry can't wait to see you."

She couldn't help it; the thought of her baby put a smile on her face. She really couldn't wait to see him.

"Ok," she agreed, she reached for his hand to give it a squeeze. "Ok, but call me when you're done. I'll come get you, we can get dinner…"

"JJ, it's not nece—"

"Call me," she interrupted him firmly. JJ only let go of his hand when he nodded his assent.

She watched him reach for the door handle but hesitate. Quickly, he turned around and leaned into her, surprising her with a kiss to the cheek. He pulled back to look at her; he seemed to want to say something, but didn't know how. That was ok with her, the gesture said enough for her.

She reached a hand up to caress his cheek in reassurance. Looking into his eyes, she tried to convey her own message. She held back her sigh when she saw the look of unworthiness flash across his dark eyes.

"I'll see you in a bit," he said, departing swiftly.

JJ sat there, still, watching his disappearing back slip into the building. It was a look she'd hoped to cure him of. But, Rossi had made her see that she couldn't do it alone. Two days ago when Rossi had interrupted their alone time together she'd wanted to believe that she'd be enough. But, she of all people should have known that love was never enough. Her sister had been loved, dearly, and she still…

"Oh God," she murmured to herself. "Please let him get better…"

She let out a sigh, checking her watch, Will was expecting her. Despite the sadness she felt at the moment, she just couldn't wait to see her child. Living without him this past month was very hard.

* * *

><p>Hotch rubbed his palms against his black pants for what was probably the tenth time since arriving. He looked around the small waiting room nervously, assessing the other people in the room. The man sitting across from him was in his mid-twenties and the fingers of his left hand were tapping rhythmically. Hotch thought he was probably counting something off. In his mind he diagnosed him: obsessive-compulsive disorder. The older woman sitting adjacent to him had eyes that hadn't stopped darting around the room since he'd gotten there twenty minutes ago. Paranoia, he thought.<p>

What was he doing here? He didn't belong here. These people had legitimate problems of the mind. He didn't have the same issues. He'd just lost his son and as a result he wasn't sure life was for him. It was perfectly understandable, he thought. What did people expect of him? To be jumping for joy?

No, he didn't need to be here. He knew what his problems were, they couldn't be cured. With that thought, he stood up to make his way out. Just as he was about to step forward he heard, "Mr. Hotchner?"

Startled, he looked around for the source. The receptionist behind the desk was eyeing him carefully, a friendly smile on her face. "Dr. Carson is ready for you…"

Hotch looked back towards the door. Could he do it, could he just leave? He looked back at the woman, her eyes still glued to him. He let out a sigh. Nodding his head, he followed her, resigned for the moment.

* * *

><p>It was rare Henry allowed her to do this anymore. She was holding him in her lap while he played with one of his toys. Both of them were content with just each other's presence, neither really saying anything.<p>

She leaned forward, putting her lips to his blonde head. JJ took in the scent of him, the sheer presence of her baby, feeling rejuvenated with each passing minute in his presence. She hadn't known she needed this until Will had opened the front door and her little man rushed towards her, giggling happily with open arms. She missed Henry something fierce.

"I can't," she heard Will's voice say adamantly. "I _can't._ Put Williams on it… Crap! I forgot. Well… I can't, I've got my son tonight…"

JJ frowned as she listened into the barely concealed conversation. It sounded like a work call Will was taking.

"Henry," JJ spoke quietly. "Can you go get me your drawings? I'd love to see them."

Henry turned, a big grin on his face, nodding his head enthusiastically. And then he was hopping out of her lap, running for the stairs.

JJ stood up and made her way to the kitchen. She made it there just in time to hear Will say in resignation, "I'll see what I can do…"

He hung up the phone and put his hand against his forehead, letting out a long, tired sigh. JJ gazed at him concernedly, seeing the tired lines around his eyes; she could have sworn they hadn't been there a few months ago.

"Will?" Her ex jumped, startled. "Sorry…" she murmured. "Everything all right?"

Another sigh. "There was a triple homicide downtown; they need me to come in…"

"Now?" she questioned.

He nodded. "JJ, I need you to take Henry for the night… I'm not sure what time I'll be home…"

JJ grimaced. As much as she loved the idea of having her baby by her side for longer, she wasn't sure it would be a good idea.

"JJ, please," Will stated incredulously.

"I don't know, Will, I've been staying at Aaron's," she explained. "I'm not sure having Henry there would be good for him…"

He frowned at her. "I understand, JJ, I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't important. Come on…"

Still hesitating. "I just—"

"Come on, taking care of your kid isn't too much to ask," he shot at her angrily.

Feeling like he'd just slapped her, JJ winced. "Will, I… I know… I…"

He blew out a breath, holding his hands up. "I'm sorry, JJ. That was… I'm sorry, I've been—"

"—stressed," she finished for him. "I'm sorry, too."

Each of them nodded their heads, accepting each other's apologies.

She pursed her lips together. Will had been nothing but helpful through this tough time. And now, she realized, he needed a break.

"Will, I'll take him," she assured. "For the night."

"JJ, no, you're right, I'll… I'll find someone else," Will argued. "Penelope… or even Reid."

She shook her head. "No. You were right. And… I miss him," she said, with heartfelt feeling. "God, I've missed him."

* * *

><p>Well that's it for this chapter. Hope you liked. Next up, a glimpse into Hotch's therapy session and how does he feel having Henry as a temporary houseguest.<p>

Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing: **jekkah; angry penguin; sugarhigh9394; and HotchRocks.**

I'll try to update soon.


	12. Mending

**A/N:** Hey all. Here's the next chapter. It's a short one, but I still hope you'll enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 12: Mending:**

* * *

><p>Hotch sat back in a big leather armchair, uncomfortable, though, he was sure the chair was made to do just the opposite. He didn't feel right, sitting there. His arms crossed over his chest, he sat with his back stiff, unmoving, and not moved at all by the considering look on the psychologist's weathered face.<p>

Dr. Rachel Carson had greeted him cordially enough, but he just couldn't get relaxed in the fifty-something years old office. It was a known fact that Aaron Hotchner and speaking about feelings just didn't mix, like oil and water. Aaron Hotchner and psychologists were even worse, magnesium-and-water-like, potentially explosive.

After five minutes of sitting silently, observing each other, he finally blurted out, "This is a mistake!"

"Why is it a mistake?" Dr. Carson replied levelly and calmly.

"Because," he began harshly, "talking about _it_ isn't going to bring him back. It isn't going to change the fact that I should have spent more time with him when he was—"

He cut himself off abruptly. He did not want to discuss this.

"No," she said gently into the sudden quietness. "You're right, it won't. But talking about Jack's death—" He winced visibly. "—may make you feel better."

His response to that was more silence. What right did he have to 'feel better' when his son was gone? None, as far as he was concerned.

"Mr. Hotchner" the doctor started, after considering him with a shrewd eye. "Are you a danger to yourself?"

"No!" he said quickly, tone gruff. And then more softly, "No…"

The doctor remained quiet; Hotch tried to read her face but it was a blank. She was taking her cues from him and he had no idea where he was going.

"Look… I just… I don't know how to go on when everyone I love is gone…" he confessed, surprising himself.

Dr. Carson nodded, consulting the file in front of her. "I understand there's a woman in your life, a… Jennifer…"

_JJ!_ His eyes widened in alarm; he'd been unaware that the doctor would know so many details about his personal life.

"… is she not someone you love?" she finished.

Did he love her? From what Rossi had said she, apparently, loved him. But was it real? Would they have come together if it wasn't for Jack's death? Did that even matter, considering the what if's?

His mind was racing a mile a minute from so simple a question.

"Here's what I want you to do," she suddenly interrupted his thoughts. "I want you to go home today, consider the question I've posed to you. But, also, think about anyone else you may care for and who care for you in return. Come back in a few days and let me know what you've found."

He gave the woman a dry look. "That's it?"

"Yes."

Hotch continued to stare at her incredulously.

"Mr. Hotchner," she continued. "You say you aren't a danger to yourself, I'm inclined to believe that as I see no evidence to discredit you. But, you need help. It's obvious from our brief chat that you believe yourself unworthy."

He opened his mouth to, well, he didn't know what. Protest? No, she was right on the button. He was so _not _worth it. But still, it was a bit disconcerting to hear it said out loud.

Dr. Carson put up her hand. "I assure you, you are worthy. And I'm sure Jennifer thinks so, as does David Rossi."

He shut his mouth, unsure of what to say. They sat in silence for a minute or two. "Is that all?" he blurted out.

She chuckled, good-naturedly, looking at her watch. "We've still got another forty-five minutes. So, shall we talk some more, or will we continue on in silence?"

Hotch studied the doctor carefully; she could wait him out, he could tell. He let out a resigned sigh.

"So what will it be, Aaron, I can call you Aaron, can't I?"

_This was hell,_ he concluded.

* * *

><p>"Mommy, where are we?"<p>

JJ glanced in her rearview mirror at her little boy strapped into his seat. She looked back at the building unsurely, and then glanced over her shoulder.

Giving Henry a half smile, she answered, "We're waiting for Hotch."

Henry gave her a quizzical look. "And then we go home?"

She shook her head, realizing it'd been awhile since the two of them had set foot in their own home. She missed it. But she knew her place right now was at Aaron's side. "Sorry, sweetie, we're going to stay at Hotch's tonight."

Her little boy stared back at her solemnly, a look she knew a child his age shouldn't have known. But he did. Because Jack was his friend, too.

"Hotch still sad?"

How did she answer that question? Of course he was still sad. His heart was broken. But did she want to tell Henry that? Probably not.

"He misses Jack a lot," she settled on.

"Me too," Henry murmured.

The car was silent for a few minutes. A tap on the passenger side window startled her. She looked up to see Hotch standing there, a somewhat serene look on his face. That surprised her even more.

Quickly, she unlocked the door and he pulled it open. "Hey," he greeted, climbing in.

"Hotch!" Henry exclaimed excitedly, causing JJ to wince.

She watched him turn his head sharply to see Henry in the back seat. "Henry?" he said in surprise.

JJ glanced at her son who practically beamed at Hotch. Her son had always looked up to him. She held her breath waiting for Hotch's reaction.

"It's good to see you," he said flatly, turning back to face the front.

She let out a sigh of relief, starting the car. When she let her gaze settle back on Hotch, she was troubled to see the pained look on his face.

* * *

><p>Well that's it for this one. Next chapter: JJ explains Henry's presence. Hotch shares a touchingheartbreaking scene with Henry. And Hotch discusses his apprehension concerning the little boy with Dr. Carson. And hopefully this chapter will be up soon.

Thanks to everyone who's taking the time to read this and to those who are taking the time to review: **CMfandoodle** _(thanks! I'm trying to make it as realistic as possible)_; **Guest** _(thx! I took chapter length cues from myself, ending them when I knew I was done for);_ **whimsical-one-ga;** **jekkah** _(thx! I thought it was time to show how this is all affecting JJ's side of things);_ **and smorgan** _(we'll be seeing more of Hotch's feelings towards Henry's presence next chapter; thx for the review!)._

Thanks again! Comments and such are much appreciated.


	13. Hope

**A/N:** Hey all! I was looking back at previous chapters, making sure I'm being consistent with all my facts, and I realized that this story was posted up around the time the last CCOAC Profiler's Choice Awards were occurring. That means this story has been going on for almost a year! Yikes, I am one slow updater… Not to worry, though, we're coming close to the climax of this story and the end. But before that happens were in for some more—yep, you guessed it—angst. However, this story will have a happy ending, so if you can stick with me until then we'll get there. Thanks!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 13: Hope:**

* * *

><p>JJ re-entered the living room after laying Henry down in the guest room. Her little boy had fallen asleep on their way back to Hotch's. And because he'd been asleep they'd both remained silent the whole drive over. At least, that was what she'd assumed was the reason for the silence.<p>

_They so needed to talk, _she thought urgently.

She found Aaron in the living room, a glass of something dark in his hand. JJ's eyes widened at the sight. Hotch looked up, frowning. She hadn't been quick enough to hide her concern.

"It's just Pepsi," he reassured grimly.

She hated that he'd seen her look of doubt, hated that she even had it, but ever since she'd found him coming out of a bar… she was scared for him. After that incident, the second he'd gone to bed, JJ had gotten rid of all alcohol in his apartment and had refrained from drinking herself since then.

"Yeah, I know," she said, trying to come off nonchalant, but failing miserably. He grimaced at her. "Sorry," she added.

JJ came around the couch, taking a seat next to him. His hand found hers, wrapping his fingers around hers. She was encouraged by that at least.

After a few moments of silence, she let out a sigh. "Aaron," she breathed out. "I'm sorry I sprung Henry on you."

"Why is he here, JJ?"

She glanced at him sharply, surprised by his wary tone. "Hotch, I—I—"

He let out a sigh. "Sorry, I… I didn't mean it like that…"

JJ gave him an unsure look. She really wasn't sure about that. "No, I know," she conceded nonetheless. "Uh… Will was called into work at the last minute…"

"There was no one else to take him?"

Her mouth dropped open in surprise. "I'm his _mother_, Aaron."

He gave her a scowl in response. "Of course, I'm sorry."

JJ frowned acutely. She knew that taking Henry may have been an error on her part. Hotch was not ready to have a child near, she could see. But what could she do, she'd had no choice; at the same time, being with her son was so energizing for her, it just felt so right.

"We could… we could leave… I can take Henry to my place," she offered.

She did not want to leave Hotch, but she did not want to leave Henry either. And as much as she loved Hotch, Henry was her first priority; she loved her son so much.

JJ's only answer was silence. She took it to mean that he wanted her to do so. Letting out a breath, she let go of his hand, moving to get off the couch.

"JJ," Hotch said quickly. He re-grabbed her hand, pulling her back. "Don't."

She gave him a quizzical look. He still did not look pleased. "It's only for tonight?" he asked.

Gulping down her anxiety, she answered, "It might be a couple of days, actually." She was sure Will only needed tonight, but now that she had her baby so close, it was hard to part with him.

Hotch's eyes widened. She was sure he was about to ask her to go. Instead, he said, "All… all right." He looked anxious suddenly. "But, JJ… I… I can't—"

She put her hand against his lips. She knew what he was trying to say. He could not care for Henry. That was all right, for now. "I know."

He let out a sigh, pulling her against his body. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be… I know it's hard right now; maybe one day you'll…" She trailed off at the look in his eyes. Pain, and a lack of desire for what she was about to propose… kids.

JJ gulped down her sudden sense of trepidation. She allowed herself to finish the thought in her head, _maybe one day you'll want to have kids again…_ But the shutdown look in his eyes was hard to get over.

Nevertheless, she wiped the confusion off her face, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "I'm going to start on dinner…"

She was not running, she told herself.

* * *

><p>Hotch awoke early the next morning, wide awake, despite his late bedtime. Ever since Jack's death, his sleeping patterns had been erratic, one day waking up at the crack of dawn, the next sleeping in till noon. There was no rhyme or reason for it that he could discern and he wondered if this was one of those things he should tell Dr. Carson about the next time he saw her.<p>

He flipped over in bed and found JJ still fast asleep. She'd stayed up with him too, so it was only natural that she'd sleep in. Hotch closed his eyes and waited five minutes, hoping he'd enter the dreamland that JJ was currently in. But, like the other times he'd tried it, it did not work. So, with a resigned sigh, he slowly got out of bed, not jostling it too much for fear of waking up the pretty blonde.

Standing off to the side, he watched her for a moment. She looked so peaceful laying there, her hands under her cheek, looking like she had not a care in the world. He was glad that she hadn't taken her disappointment from the night before into her dreams.

Hotch knew his answers last night to her queries were less than satisfactory for her. And he felt horrible for being the one to disappoint her. But he couldn't lie, not to her, not after all they'd been through together.

What hurt the most was that he knew that she'd been hinting at having more children in the future, that she quite possibly wanted kids with him, but, honestly, he didn't think he could ever have any again. Ultimately, it was just too painful. And rather than saying it out loud, he'd said nothing at all. Still his look must have spoken for him, if the way she'd gone quiet was any indication.

God, he hated that he was hurting her. This was why he'd pushed her away.

He let out a huff; there was nothing to be done for it right now. For now, he'd make breakfast, and hope an 'I'm sorry' omelet would be enough.

He made his way out the door and down the hallway. The closer he got to the living room and kitchen the more he realized that the TV was on. The sounds coming down the hall weren't any old television sounds either; they were the sounds of Saturday morning cartoons.

Hotch gasped painfully, he hadn't heard that sound in about a month and a half. He'd actually been avoiding the television set altogether since Jack passed away. The fewer painful reminders he had of his son the better. Now, someone had blatantly turned the TV on and had turned it on to the exact thing Jack would be watching on a Saturday morning if he were still with him.

It wasn't JJ; she was still inside. Entering the big open space, he saw exactly who it was. Henry.

"Mornings, Hotch," the little boy said, turning around in the chair facing the TV when he heard Hotch shuffle in.

The sight of a young one in the living room, exactly where Jack would be, doing exactly what Jack would be doing, was hard. On the one hand it was confusing and disorienting on his senses to see Henry there. But, on the other, in some ways, no Saturday since Jack's death had ever felt this right.

Not knowing what exactly that meant, Hotch made his way to the kitchen, mumbling a brief morning to the four year old. He opened the fridge and began to make that breakfast he'd silently promised JJ as he steadfastly avoided the child in the room.

That was hard, too; the sound of Henry's laughter and comments at his favorite parts were not grating on his ears as he thought they would be. Instead, he found himself listening to the little boy, losing himself in those sounds instead of his own dismal thoughts for once. If he analyzed himself closely, he'd find that he even felt like a weight had come off his shoulders.

It was several minutes later when Hotch realized that Henry had ceased to laugh and make comments. The TV was still on but the boy was silent. Perplexed, Hotch looked from his work to see what had made the boy quiet down. That's when he found Henry sitting at the island, elbow and hand holding up his head as he watched Hotch curiously.

"What'cha doing?" Henry finally spoke up.

"Uh… making breakfast for your mom…" Hotch replied slowly. "Want some?"

He held out the frying pan to the bright-eyed boy. Henry made a face, shaking his head, surprising Hotch. It shouldn't have been a surprise, though; Jack hadn't been a fan of omelets either.

"Is there um… something else you'd like?"

He couldn't very well not feed the boy. He'd been hesitant to let him stay the night, but that didn't mean he could or would neglect him. Though, it suddenly occurred to him, he could wake JJ up to deal with him.

But, somehow, the idea of waking JJ up when he knew how tired she'd been, was less appealing. Besides, Hotch could suck it up and make breakfast for the four year old for one day.

"Cereal?" Henry asked hopefully.

Hotch turned towards his pantry and opened the door. He knew he had some kind of fiber cereal left over from his days when he quickly needed to head out to work. But, he knew that would be unappealing to the tastes of someone young. His eyes searched the mess that was the shelves. Finally, he spotted a bright yellow, blue, and red box in the clutter. He pulled out a half full box of Fruit Loops. They were left over from when…

Hotch shook his head, he wasn't going to let himself think about that right now. Henry did not need to see him break down.

That decided, he turned his stoic face onto the bright child, holding the box in front of him. Henry's face lit up happily, catching Hotch totally off guard.

"Mmm yummy, Fruit Loops, my favorite," Henry let him know.

_They were Jack's favorite, too,_ he thought sadly.

Pushing that thought to the back of his mind, he poured out a bowl. "Would you like to eat them in front of the TV?"

It was something he'd only allowed Jack to do on Saturday's…

Henry gave a big nod of his head, a huge smile on his face. Hotch helped set him up at the coffee table so he wouldn't spill. But, if he did, he realized that it didn't matter. It was just nice to see the child happy…

Going back to the kitchen, he paused there to watch Henry resume his laughter at the antics of whatever cartoon characters were popular these days. He wondered at his sudden change in attitude from last night, or even just fifteen minutes ago. Hotch had been so sure that having Henry there would be horrible for not only himself, but for JJ's son too. Looking at him now, however, Henry didn't seem like he was having a bad time. He looked just as any little boy should look at that age, happy and carefree…

Hotch let out a sigh. Confused thoroughly by his meandering emotions, he suddenly sensed someone watching him; he looked towards the hallway entrance and found JJ standing there looking his way.

There was hope on her face. And he recognized all of the sudden what she was thinking. That maybe one day…

He turned away abruptly, back to his task at hand. He had no idea how he felt right that instant, never mind what he would feel in the future. Hotch had no right to instill that hope in her, especially when he still wasn't sure he had hope for himself.

_What are we going to do?_

* * *

><p>Well that's it for this chapter, the longest of this story to date, so that's something. I hope you guys are still enjoying this story and will continue to let me know what you think.<p>

Thanks to everyone reading and alerting this story, and also a big thanks to my reviewers: **Twilightangell; HotchRocks; Guest; CMfandoodle; and JanPan.**

And one last quick message from Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum:

**THE AWARDS SEASON HAS COMMENCED! Nominations have opened for the third annual Profiler's Choice Awards for Criminal Minds' fandom! Please visit Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum for the nomination ballot, rules and guidelines and category definitions. Please review ALL information BEFORE submitting your nomination ballot. Nomination ballots must be received by October 15, 2012. Fics for consideration must have appeared on the CM section of between September 1, 2011, and August 31, 2012 (see rules for full details.)**


	14. Confusion

**A/N:** Yikes! I can't believe I haven't updated this one in forever. So sorry. Believe it or not I had meant to have this updated mid-October. No clue what happened. Anyways, I've got a short chapter for you today. I hope you enjoy it! And I will try my best to have another update soon. Let me know what you think!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 14: Confusion:**

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><p>"So, Aaron, did you consider my question?"<p>

Hotch stared at the older woman, momentarily confused. He'd just spent the past thirty minutes recounting the days since he'd last sat in Dr. Carson's office. She'd said minimal and when she finally spoke her question surprised him. The part of his story he'd stopped at was where Henry had spent a few of those days in his home, with JJ and him. It surprised him that she didn't want to immediately elaborate on that.

"What question?" he asked.

Instead of answering him, she got up and walked to her desk. She grabbed a yellow legal pad and a pen from a drawer, perplexing him because she already had both in hand that she was using.

Returning to her seat, she leaned across the space between them. "Here," she said, handing both to him unceremoniously.

Taking them from her, he continued to watch her with wide unsure eyes.

"What are these for?" he wanted to know.

Dr. Carson eyed him shrewdly. "I asked you the last time you were here to think about all the people who care about you and those who you care about."

"Ok…" He looked down at the paper, still confused.

"You're going to make me a list."

"A list?"

"Yes. Right now, write down all the names of the people who love or care about you and vice versa," she practically ordered.

Hotch glanced from the paper to her, incredulously. Not taking his skepticism, she gestured purposefully for him to begin. Letting out a long-suffering sigh, he picked up the pen in his left hand and gave her one last look, conveying with his eyes "Is this really necessary?" But her own eyes just replied, "Do it."

Who did he love? It seemed everyone he'd ever loved was now gone. His mom. Hailey. Jack… There was no one left.

But that wasn't true. For some inexplicable reason, JJ was sitting in his apartment, living with him. Taking care of him. _Loving him._ And he… he loved her for it.

He was pretty surprised when his hand started to move and JJ's name appeared on the yellow pad. He soon found himself writing down other names.

Dave, his best friend, so worried about him, Hotch knew. He wished he could tell him he didn't have to worry, but Hotch couldn't see the future and he had no idea what it held for him. The rest of the team—Reid, Garcia, Morgan and Prentiss—he knew were standing by, awaiting the slightest request from him to fulfill. They coddled him by bringing over dinner and groceries and kept JJ entertained and in the loop, so that he'd have time to heal.

Jessica, his ex-wife's sister, his son's aunt, she must be in as much pain as he was and yet she never showed it around him. Never made the losses—Jack and Hailey—about her. She loved him and did her best to take care of him. Never once did he voice how grateful he was to have her in his life.

He even cared for Will, JJ's ex. The man had sacrificed so much so that JJ could be with him now.

The last name he put on the list was Henry's. He'd spent the last three days tiptoeing around the small boy. Being cautious, being wary. But it was no secret that when the child was around things felt lighter.

Finished with his list, he handed it over to Dr. Carson for her to examine. She took it and went over it silently.

"Good," she finally said. He waited for her to elaborate. "This is a good amount of people you have in your life, Aaron. I hope you know that each one of these people believe you're worthy of love."

He glanced at the list uncomfortably. Hotch knew they cared for him. But it was still hard for him to wrap his head around the why.

"There is no why about it, Aaron," she answered. He hadn't been aware of voicing his question out loud. "You don't ask why a person loves you," she continued, shrugging her shoulders. "Though, I'm sure they have their reasons. You never ask why, you just accept that someone does and you _let_ them love you… I hope you're doing that with Jennifer."

Hotch looked at her uneasily again. He could admit to himself that he was being a bit guarded when it came to her affection for him lately, but that was for her protection. She so obviously wanted more from him and right now he had no clue if he could ever give that to her.

"Aaron…" Dr. Carson said warningly. One of her rules they'd established during the first session was that there was to be no inward thinking during their time together. Self-reflecting was for later, their time was for him to verbally-vomit—he liked to call it—all his feelings. "Tell me about your relationship with Ms. Jareau. You said her son has been staying with you two for the past week? He's—" She paused to look back in her notes. "—four. How has that been for you?"

He grimaced at the topic. Talking about Henry was as confusing as when he interacted with the boy. "It's… strange…"

"How so?"

"Before… before Jack died," he began, taking a deep breath. "Henry used to come over all the time. He and my son were practically best friends." He stopped thinking back on all the outings they used to have. She nodded for him to go on. "And now… I don't know… I look at Henry… he's such a sweet boy… but I see him and I see the future Jack will never have."

"And is that fair?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is it Henry's fault that Jack's bus crashed, that he passed away? Is it Henry's doing—"

"_No_," he cut her off, voice harsh. "Of course not!"

"So is it fair to Henry—or to any future children, for that matter—to look at him that way?" Dr. Carson inquired. He opened his mouth to respond, but she went on. "You seem to be looking for someone to blame, Aaron, for Jack's death—yourself, now Henry—but the simple fact of the matter is there is no one to blame. It was an accident. A horrible, tragic accident, but an accident, nonetheless."

He sat there scowling at her, taking in her words. _Hating them._ How could the death of his son just be chalked up to chance? There had to be a reason for it.

"What are you thinking?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"It makes no sense," he said sullenly.

"It doesn't have to," she replied. "Life and death are not things we need to make sense of. They happen to us. And we need to find a way to work with them and not let them take us over."

He considered her words, unsure if he knew what she was thinking.

"Jennifer Jareau is a woman you hope to have in your life for a while?" Dr. Carson surprised him by asking.

He thought about it. The thought of her ever leaving him was crushing to him. In that moment, he felt his breath taken away. "Yes, God, yes," he said, almost as if he were pleading with God himself to keep her in his life.

"Then Aaron, you need to understand that Henry is always going to be number one in her life. He's her son and there will be no separating the two. You need to find a way to look at him, not as a reminder of the things you've lost, but as a child who needs and deserves to be loved for who he is."

He nodded his head. He knew she was right.

"So, with that in mind, I've got your next assignment for you," she said a little too cheerfully, considering the somber mood from a moment before.

"Assignment?"

"Yes. With Ms. Jareau's consent, of course, I'd like you to spend some time alone with Henry. Either on an outing like to the zoo or something or just sitting at home playing with his toys. It can be anything; the key is that it needs to be just you two."

He frowned. "You think that's wise?"

"Are you a danger to the boy?" she questioned.

"No," he said simply. "It's just I don't want to hurt him…"

"If Ms. Jareau trusts you than I don't see the issue. My goodness, Aaron, you've put him on the list of people you care about…"

That was true.

"That is your assignment. Next time I see you I want to hear all about it, I also want you, through it all, to keep a firm grasp on how you feel."

"All right," he reluctantly agreed.

He looked at the clock on her wall, seeing their time was just about up. _Thank goodness_.

"Before you go," she began. "I do believe you forgot one last name on your list."

"I did?" he asked, watching her scribble a name at the top of his list.

"Mm hmm," she said, handing it to him.

There at the top she'd written Jack's name. He looked at her with shimmering eyes. She smiled sadly at him. "Just because he's not with us anymore doesn't mean his love for you is gone or vice versa."

He glanced down at the paper. The spatter of a tear next to his name made him jump.

"He'll always be a part of you. And there is nothing wrong with that."

* * *

><p>That's it for this chapter. More to come soon.<p>

Thanks to everyone who's been reading and to those who have been reviewing: **MaddieNicole; beaglelover719** _(Thank you for the lovely review)_; **Twilightangell; HotchRocks; and jekkah** _( :) Sorry for the tears again, hope you're still enjoying.)_


	15. Healing

**A/N:** Hey all! I'm back; I know it's been awhile. I didn't abandon this fic, I've just had a serious case of writer's block/I can't find a spare moment to write. I was finally able to sit down and write out this chapter and I'm pretty pleased with the result. I hope you'll enjoy it, too.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 15: Healing:**

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><p>JJ watched Hotch place the list he'd just shown her on the fridge. It was a list of people he loved, and vice versa, that he'd created in his latest session with Dr. Carson. She was silently overjoyed that he'd shared it with her. And when she'd seen Jack's name at the top of the list written in someone else's—probably Dr. Carson's—handwriting she was glad to see that he was being reminded that even though Jack wasn't with them anymore, it didn't mean he had to put him out of mind as well.<p>

"So," JJ began, turning to look at him as he approached the living room. He took a seat next to her on the large sofa. "Dr. Carson wants you to spend some time with Henry…"

He'd mentioned his latest 'assignment' in passing as he'd briefly told her about his session today. It was almost as if he were afraid to ask her outright. He nodded his head, still avoiding eye contact. She reached for his hand, holding it tight in her lap. "How do you feel about that?" she asked him softly.

It was no secret to her that he felt almost strange around her son. At first, it was pretty clear to her that he wanted nothing to do with Henry. But, in the few days that her baby had been staying with them, it was now clear to her that Hotch's attitude towards her son was evolving. It seemed to her that she'd done something right by keeping Henry for a few extra days. JJ had dropped him off at Will's that day.

He lifted his head to meet her eyes. Before Jack had passed, JJ had rarely seen fear in his eyes. But there it now was. "JJ… I… I get what Dr. Carson wants from this. And I swear to you I would never, ever hurt Henry…"

He trailed off, his voice was shaking. She squeezed his hand to let him know it was all right. "But… you're afraid you'll do something… unintentionally?" Once again, he nodded his head, looking away.

She breathed out a sigh and continued on. "Aaron, look at me," she paused, waiting for him to do so. "That fear you have, that worry… its normal. Every parent is scared that someday they might fail their child, despite everything you do.

"Look back; you'll remember feeling that way once, too…" She saw the pain in his eyes, remembering Jack. "We need to have faith that we're making the right choices and doing the right things for our children. We want to control everything, but all we can really do is hope we're doing our best."

"But, Henry isn't mine. You still have faith in my choices?" Hotch questioned hoarsely. "After what happened—after… everything?"

She gave him a stern look. "_That_ was uncontrollable. Nothing you could have done would have prevented what happened, Aaron. Please, you've got to know that," she lamented.

JJ was pained to know that he still blamed himself for Jack's death. She wondered if that feeling of guilt would ever go away.

And then, she was suddenly struck with the fact that it might not. She thought of her sister, Chloe. If only she had noticed the signs, if only she'd said something, maybe she'd still be alive. Deep down, she knew it was irrational to put it on her, but there would always be a small part of her that would play the 'what if' game. Hotch, she knew, would always do the same.

Hotch glanced at her and then away. But she'd caught the uncertainty there. "I have faith in you, Aaron. Henry will be perfectly safe with you. You know how I know?"

He glanced back at her warily. "How?"

"Because you love me. And even though Henry isn't your son, I can see how much you care about him, too," she finished.

He didn't say anything to that, instead he looked at her with an understanding that she hadn't seen in a while. She couldn't help but think she was getting through to him. She gave him a small smile, before leaning into him for a kiss.

Hotch kissed her back, a chaste kiss soon turned hungrier. His arm slipped around her waist, pulling her closer, before slipping under the hem of her shirt to rest at the small of her back. His touch burned, and all she wanted to do was be closer to him. She opened her mouth to him, letting him slide his tongue against hers; she shivered in his embrace at the intimate touch. But it wasn't enough.

The arm around her waist pulled her even closer so that she now straddled his body. He pulled back from her mouth only to pepper kisses along her jaw, down her neck. "I love you," he murmured against her heated skin. "I love you, JJ…"

She cupped his face in her hands so she could look him in eye, so he could see how happy she was at those words he'd never before said out loud, so she could convey to him how much she loved him without words of her own. She saw the surprise there in his dark orbs. He still didn't know, still didn't realize. Despite everything she'd done for him. He was still oblivious. Until now. Even he, filled with regret and guilt, couldn't mistake the extent of her love for him. There was no possible way. And yet, she'd show him, just to make sure.

They took turns lifting each other's shirts above their heads. In between, hands made to touch any skin they could get their hands on. And moments later he was inside her, filling her, thrusting into her eagerly as her hands moved over his flesh, trying to soothe him, trying to be the balm to his soul.

Coming together moments later, JJ laid her head against his bare shoulder, trying to calm her own racing heart. His lips pressed into her neck, as his hands slid over her back, up and down, as if trying to soothe her too.

There were no words in this moment, just two people loving each other.

* * *

><p>Hotch silently watched the four year old sitting across from him munch away on his chicken fingers and fries, dipping both into the little cups of ketchup he'd provided for him. The boy was getting as much ketchup into his mouth as he was around it.<p>

Up until now, Henry had been a non-stop chatterbox, only lunch had gotten him to quiet down. He didn't mind. Hotch found himself enjoying the enthusiastic exclamations of the golden-haired child.

JJ and Will had decided that it had been too long since the little one had been to the zoo, and that Hotch could take him. So, he'd dutifully buckled him into his car-seat and they both waved bye to both Will and JJ. And that's when Henry's twenty questions began. He answered, smiling absently at his exuberance.

When they'd arrived and Hotch had unbuckled him, he'd been momentarily surprised when Henry took his hand eagerly. Of course, he knew he couldn't let him walk alone in the parking lot, he'd just been taken aback by the tininess of Henry's hand, and it reminded him of just how small Jack had been. He felt a pang of sadness at remembering what he'd lost, but at the same time he remembered how much Jack loved the zoo. Today, it seemed, would be full of conflicted emotions.

Lost in thought, he hadn't noticed right away that Henry was all done with his lunch. The little boy piled the wrappers onto the tray and Hotch watched as he slipped out of his seat. "What are you doing, Henry?" he wondered out loud.

"I'm cleaning up!"

Hotch frowned as the little boy tried to pull his tray off the table that was just as tall as he was. "I can do that."

"Nah uh; mommy says I'm a big boy now, I can do it," he denied.

He chuckled to himself. _So, he's at this stage already, huh?_ Well, Hotch got up and followed him along anyways. They reached the trash bin and there was a brief moment where he thought Henry would tip over, tray and all, but, by some miracle, he managed to stay upright.

With his surreptitious help in holding the bin open, they managed to get the trash into the can, with Hotch catching the tray just before it followed.

Henry wore such a self-satisfied grin on his face that Hotch could do nothing but say 'good job,' with an amused smile of his own.

"Where to next, Henry?" he questioned. So far, he'd let the little boy lead the way, allowing himself to be eagerly tugged along.

"Uh…" Henry began as he thought about it. "What did Jack like?"

The question caught him off guard completely. He looked down to see Henry watching him with hopeful, almost knowing eyes. It was almost as if the four-year old knew and understood that being here with Henry, in a place Jack had loved, was a struggle. It was a lot for a child so small to comprehend, how the loss of a loved one could affect someone so deeply. But, Hotch remembered then that he wasn't the only one who'd lost Jack. Henry had been a constant playmate of Jack's. His life, too, had changed because of Jack's passing. In time, Henry would probably forget the details of his time with his son, but for now all the boy knew was that his best friend wasn't around right now. Henry, at some level, understood his pain.

"Penguins… Jack loved the penguins," he said, voice cracking.

Henry took up his hand again, leading him in some random direction; until Hotch had to point out they were going the wrong way. He had to laugh at the situation. He really was having a good time.

* * *

><p>"Ok… all right, honey," JJ laughed into the phone, "Put daddy back on… I love you, sweetheart…"<p>

JJ smiled at Hotch from her side of the bed. She caught him watching her, but he looked away quickly. He was pretending to not be listening in, but JJ knew he so was.

"JJ?" she heard Will's voice.

"Hey, Will," she greeted. "So, it sounds like he had a great time."

Will laughed. "Are you kidding me? He had the time of his life. I don't know how I'm even going to get him in bed tonight."

"No, no sleep!" she heard her son protest in the background.

"See, what I mean?" her ex asked dryly.

"I do." She reached over and squeezed Hotch's forearm.

Will let out a sigh. "Make sure he knows, JJ. That he made Henry very happy today. He won't even let go of the stuffed penguin Hotch bought him. He named him Jack."

JJ let out a small gasp of surprise that had Hotch looking at her concernedly. "Everything ok?"

She nodded her head, making sure to give him her brightest, if not a bit watery, smile. Hotch looked even more confused at that.

"JJ, he's a good guy. Hold onto him. And make sure he knows he is, all right?"

She nodded, realizing a second later that Will couldn't see it. "I will." She looked over at Aaron; sure her heart was in her eyes. "Good night."

She hung up the phone and turned to face Aaron. He seemed to be waiting expectantly. Due to a case, she hadn't been around all day, so she hadn't been present for him dropping Henry off at Will's.

"Henry had an amazing time," she assured gratefully. "He won't let go of Jack."

"Jack?" Hotch echoed in surprise.

"The penguin you bought him, he named him Jack," she said slowly.

"He did…" he said in awe. His words were followed by silence. He pulled her into his arms, cradling her in his arms. "You've got one smart kid, JJ."

His seemingly offhand comment put a brilliant smile on her face. She settled into his hold, letting out a content sigh. "Thank you, Aaron… for today. You made his day… I know what today must have been like."

"It was… fun," he told her slowly.

"Good. I'm glad you had a good time…" And maybe, they'd have more moments like this together, in the future. JJ couldn't help but believe that today was the start of something wonderful.

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><p>Well that's it for this chapter. Longest one to date. Hope you enjoyed and I hope you'll let me know what you think.<p>

We've got one or two more bumps in the road before this story is complete, approximately five more chapters to go.

Thanks to everyone who's been reading and alerting this story. And thanks to everyone who's reviewed: **angry penguin; whimsical-one-ga; jekkah; sugarhigh9394; beaglelover719; HotchRocks; samcarter; and livingvicariously75.**

Hope to update soon!


	16. Family

**A/N:** Hey all! So sorry for the wait. Been busy with work. The year is winding down and I've got quite a few things to do before the end of the school year, so I don't think I'll be able to update again before June. So I hope you'll enjoy this longish chapter and let me know what you think. Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 16: Family:**

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><p><em><strong>~ 4 months later ~<strong>_

JJ knocked on Aaron's closed office door, eager to see him. She'd missed him so much while away on the week and a half long case in Seattle. The fact that he was here, now, at work was a pleasant one. It meant she didn't have to wait until she got home to see him.

She was glad for his return back to work a month back, even if, currently, it was just in an administrative role. Still, the fact that he'd returned to work at all meant things were settling… into a new type of normal.

Hotch smiled when he opened the door, letting her in. "Hey," he greeted.

And she suddenly couldn't help herself. She threw her arms around his neck and planted a kiss on his inviting lips. She would not relinquish her hold on him until she had her fill of him. It had been too long since she'd seen him last.

The week and a half in Seattle had been hard on JJ. She didn't know if it had been the case getting to her or the rainy, dreary weather that hit Seattle that week, but something had made her constantly sick to her stomach.

Finally pulling back, she rested her forehead against his to look into his eyes; she found it the best way to gauge his current mental state. Never much of a talker before Jack's death, therapy had not turned him into one now, either. Nonetheless, she didn't need words to see that he was genuinely pleased to see her right then and that he loved her. The ever present sadness in his eyes was fading day by day and he seemed to be moving on.

"Hey," she replied finally. "I missed you."

He gave her lips a quick peck, conveying his mutual longing for her.

"How are you? How's Henry?" she asked, stepping away to take a seat on his office sofa.

He followed her, answering, "He's great. He misses you of course, but he's having a great time at school. Kindergarten is definitely agreeing with him…"

JJ tried to smile, but it was hard; she'd missed her son's first day at school five days ago because of the case. She would never forgive herself for that.

"Henry understands, JJ. He knows you're out there catching the bad guys. Jack understood that too; we have amazing kids," he said softly, placing a comforting hand over hers.

She looked up at him through watery eyes. The grief was more apparent now, however, it didn't cripple him as it used to. With the sorrow, though, she could now see more clearly the joy Jack had brought him in his short life.

Cupping his face, she tilted her head to the side, giving him a long tender look. "We do," she agreed. Sighing, she still couldn't help her guilt. "I just… I just wish I'd been there…"

"I filmed the whole thing," Hotch confessed.

Surprised, she blurted out, "You took Henry to his first day of school?" This was news to her.

Hotch chuckled. "Will and I. Henry insisted. And you know… I really wanted to be there… Seeing Henry's face light up like it was Christmas morning… it was wonderful."

She could also see that the experience was more than just a happy day; it had brought back joyful memories for him as well. Kissing his cheek, she snuggled in close to his side, letting him engulf her in his arms. "I can't wait to watch it. Thank you, Aaron…"

He shifted a bit behind her until his phone suddenly appeared before her. "You don't have to wait…"

Hotch tapped at the screen and her son filled the screen. JJ beamed at it, seeing he was wearing the first day of school outfit they'd picked out together: a red baseball cap, blue t-shirt and khaki shorts. On his back was the Penguins of Madagascar backpack he'd picked out. Her son had a new obsession with penguins which was fine by her.

JJ watched the lengthy video that began at Will's place and showed the journey to school. Both her ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend took turns questioning her son, pulling from him excited responses and giggles. It was strange and yet not at the same time, seeing them all together. This was her family.

Her heart practically melted when Hotch asked Henry to wave to his mommy.

"_I love you, mommy!"_ he'd exclaimed.

It was impossible not to tear up at that.

The video ended with seeing all the children off at the classroom. Twenty little hands waved back at her. It was a sweet moment.

"He loves every minute of it, JJ," Aaron assured her. "He has a new story for me every day, not to mention a new best friend."

JJ chuckled. Ever since she'd gone back to work full time and Hotch had gone back to the 7 to 3 shift, the three of them—her, Will, and Hotch—thought it would be good for Henry to have some continued consistency in his relationship with Hotch; at first with him picking Henry up from pre-school and now from kindergarten. The pair would have an afterschool snack and whatnot and then Will would pick him up after his shift if JJ wasn't around.

Essentially, Henry was still living with both his mom and dad these days; that hadn't changed from before, but the arrangement now had the significant addition of Hotch.

Even though he'd never outright said so, JJ knew Hotch loved her son dearly. He adored Henry, doted on him. Despite his initial reluctance to be around the four—soon to be five—year old, JJ knew Henry was just the right type of balm to his soul.

Tilting her head to the side, she smiled back at him. "Thank you for this. I don't exactly know why… but I missed him so terribly much… more than I could bear…"

"We can go get him if you'd like, I'm sure Will wouldn't mind," Hotch stated assuredly.

Her heart leapt at the opportunity, but she let go of the idea quickly. Shaking her head, she said, "It's too late, he's probably sleeping. I'll pick him up for breakfast tomorrow morning… besides, I'm beat… it's like I've had the flu for the past week; I just haven't been able to shake it."

He frowned concernedly. "Maybe you should go see a doctor."

She shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe after I see Henry tomorrow…" she said non-committedly. Then she realized something. "What are you still doing here? It's really late."

The look in his eyes said he wasn't quite ready to give up the doctor thing, but he answered her anyways. "I wanted to wait for you, I missed you. And Will got off early today. He felt like spending some time alone with Henry…"

"Oh, that's nice," she said tiredly, the exhaustion seemingly coming from nowhere.

"Come on," Hotch said, voice stern. "Let's get you home."

He stood up and she followed, but if it wasn't for his hands on her arms she was sure she would have fallen over. A dizzy spell had the room spinning momentarily.

"JJ!" Hotch said sharply. "We're going to a doctor, now."

She pressed a hand to his chest. "I'm fine, really." She took a deep breath and felt better. She must have gotten up too fast. She so did not want to spend her first night back in a crowded emergency room. JJ wanted to go home, relax, lie in Hotch's arms and fall fast asleep. "I just haven't been eating well or sleeping because of the flu…"

The grimace on his face said he was having none of it. So she tried a different tactic.

Pressing her body close to his, she widened her eyes into a look of innocence and then pleaded, "Please, Aaron, I just want to be with you tonight… I'll go tomorrow after I see Henry, all right?"

He let out a reluctant sounding sigh. "Fine," he agreed. "But you need to go tomorrow, give me some peace of mind, ok."

She nodded, grinning from ear to ear. Happy she'd gotten her way.

Hotch chuckled lightly. "Don't look _too_ smug there," he stated sarcastically, joking. "I wouldn't mind a night alone with you either."

Seeing the desire in his eyes ignited her own passion for him. "Well, what the heck are we still doing here then?"

Laughing, she tugged on his arm, getting him moving. "I'm right behind you!"

* * *

><p>Hotch pulled up in front of Will's apartment building and put the SUV in park. He turned in his seat to face JJ; she had a big smile on her face. He really enjoyed making her happy; it gave him a purpose, a reason for living. After Jack's death he didn't think anything ever could. But she had. JJ was his life now.<p>

"Are you sure you don't want to go with us?" she asked him.

He shook his head. "I'd love to, but I've got an appointment with Dr. Carson." She nodded, remembering. "Will's going to drop you off at the doctor's, right?"

She sighed. "I'm feeling—"

Placing a finger on her lips, he gave her a wry smile. "Humor me, please."

"All right," she mumbled against his finger.

He dropped his hand and kissed her lips. God, he loved her. "I'll pick you up from the doctor's office and we'll get lunch."

"Ok," she confirmed, putting her hand on the door handle. She pushed it open, but hesitated. She turned back to face him. "I love you."

He eyed her tenderly. "I love you, JJ."

* * *

><p>"So, Aaron, how are things?" Dr. Carson questioned from her usual seat.<p>

His once a week visits were now once every two weeks. Though he'd been more than averse to see Dr. Carson months back, he could admit now that without her he wouldn't have been able to fully appreciate JJ and Henry, or any of his friends for that matter, as truly as he did now. Even with JJ's presence, he could acknowledge that he'd been on the verge of isolating himself from everyone he cared about. But, Dr. Carson, with her various assignments, starting with the list and connecting with Henry, and then the various others involving JJ and their friends, had moved him along.

"Good," he admitted modestly. "I took Henry to his first day of school this week with Will. The teacher thought we were life partners…" He smiled as he remembered trying to explain their relationship to the woman.

Dr. Carson laughed. "And Jennifer, she wasn't there?"

Hotch shook his head sadly. "No, she was away on a case. I recorded the whole thing, but watching it…"

He trailed off. He knew exactly how it felt missing one-time life events. They were moments you could never get back.

"I imagine you missed your fair share of special occasions with Jack," she commented.

He nodded. Hotch would always feel some melancholy, some regret when thinking about his son. But lately it was mostly an overwhelming feeling of love he felt when he thought of his boy. "I did. I remember every moment I spent with Jack. But I also remember every moment I missed. I used to keep myself awake at night thinking about everything I wasn't there for. Now, though, I choose to dwell on the times we did have together… it was heaven…"

"I'm sure it was. I'm glad to hear you aren't beating yourself up over the uncontrollable aspects of life anymore."

He was surprised to realize that he really wasn't. The weight on his chest wasn't as heavy anymore. He'd been able to breathe easier for a bit now.

"And work? Are you all right with your new role at the Bureau?" she wondered out loud. "I understand it's quite a change from before."

"It _is_ different. It's a desk job, basically. Something I never wanted, but now… I don't know. I've liked the routine, the normalcy."

"Tell me about that routine."

He thought about it. "I wake up at five-thirty; eat breakfast with JJ if she's here. If Henry has stayed with us, I wake him before I leave the house at six-thirty. He gives me a big hug." He smiled thinking of JJ's precious son. "I get to work, complete my tasks and then pick up Henry from school at three-thirty. We go to the park or go home and watch cartoons, something, until Will comes to pick him up after work."

Dr. Carson smiled knowingly. He knew that look, she was about to embark on something profound and out of nowhere.

"It seems Henry is a huge part of your routine," she said mildly, though he knew she meant it to be anything but an absently said comment.

"He is," he said carefully. "It wasn't doing either JJ or Henry any good being apart. I could not be with her and not accept Henry as well. It's just not possible."

"Is that all, you _just accept_ Henry?"

He glared at her slightly, she was attempting to get him to talk specific feelings, and he could never get used to that. Letting out a resigned sigh, he said, "I care about him… I love him like a—"

_Whoa! That had come out of leftfield._ But in the quiet of the room he settled that thought within him. He did. He loved that precious, curious boy. _Oh God, that was a dangerous feeling._

"—a son?" she finished unnecessarily.

He nodded, confirming in silence.

She considered him shrewdly for a moment. He shifted uncomfortably under that stare, waiting for whatever she had to say next.

"Aaron, do you believe yourself to be content with your current position at the Bureau?"

Dr. Carson had a way of jumping around erratically in conversation. Sometimes he had trouble following her train of thought. He wondered if that was one of her methods: confuse your patient into sanity. He believed this to be one of those confusing moments.

Leaving behind the fact that she'd changed the subject quickly, he thought about her question at hand. Was he content? In the past, he'd had a steady job like the one he had now, prosecutor. He'd left it with no regrets, not only for the fact that he could do nothing for the victims by the time the cases reached his desk, but also because his days were mundane, ordinary. He'd craved more back then.

Now, as he thought about each day, the ordinariness, the sameness, he didn't get that claustrophobic feeling he used to get. He was content.

"For now," he finally replied.

"Do you ever think about returning to your old position as Unit Chief? As I understand it, it's being temporarily held by your friend, David?"

"Yes, he is," he said in answer to the second half of her question.

Hotch leaned back in his chair. Could he go back… right now he did little more than paperwork. He had no contact with dead bodies. Shivering at the thought of them, he realized he felt quite differently now about his job than he had after Hailey had died. At the moment, he guessed, he had quite enough of death. He was just ready for happiness.

He shook his head. "Not now… not in the immediate future, I think. I just… I'm done with saving everyone… I just want to live and maybe be saved myself. Does that make sense?" he asked confusedly.

She surprised him by smiling very brightly. "It makes a lot of sense, Aaron."

That was it. She didn't elaborate; it was not her way, he lamented to himself. She'd leave him hanging until he figured it out himself.

"So, if Henry has become a very important part of your life, have you considered trying again? With your changed position, you'd have a lot more time to devote to them and you'd miss out on far less."

Exasperated, she'd done it again. What the heck was she talking about? "Trying again? Them?"

"It might be years off from now, but maybe with your changed feelings towards Henry, you aren't opposed to having a child of your own."

His mouth dropped open. Shocked, he was shocked. _A baby? A… a replacement for Jack? No._

"No," he said adamantly. "No, I don't want… I can't… No."

Dr. Carson looked at him sadly but didn't push him. She asked a new question that he half heard.

_A baby… with say JJ… a beautiful daughter, with her mother's eyes…_ No, he couldn't. _Not again. What if… like Jack. No._ He gave himself a mental shake, dispelling himself of any images of a bright eyed, dark-haired child.

No, there wouldn't be any children in his future.

* * *

><p>"What?" JJ exclaimed, looking up at her doctor; Dr. Oswald wore a sentimental look on her face. Which was understandable, considering the last time she'd been ecstatic that this had happened.<p>

At her blank reaction, the dark-haired Dr. Oswald frowned concernedly, "Jennifer, you're pregnant, four months along, now."

"I'm… pregnant? But… but how?" she stumbled.

The doctor chuckled, amused. "Really, Jennifer, if you haven't figured it out already then…"

JJ glared at her. _This was so not the time to be developing a sense of humor,_ she thought annoyed. How did she not know? How did she not notice that something was missing?

"Jennifer?"

"Hmm…" she replied absentmindedly.

"Do you have any questions?"

_Yeah, just one: How the hell am I going to tell Aaron?_

* * *

><p>Well that's it for this chapter. I hope you enjoyed this considerably less sad chapter. Some slight trouble to come but we'll get past it eventually.<p>

Thanks to everyone who's been reading and thanks for the reviews: **MaddieNicole; jekkah; Doc . blu xx; Thn0715; HotchRocks; and sugarhigh9394.**

I'll try my best to update soon!


	17. Indecision

**A/N:** Hey all! Here's a shorter chapter for you. Hope you still enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 17: Indecision: **

* * *

><p><em>A baby, a baby… a baby… a ba—<em>

"JJ!"

At the sound of her name being barked out in surprise, the consistent chant going through her head for a week now was interrupted. She looked around the break-room, first noting Garcia watching her with concerned wonder, and then the overflowing coffee mug on the counter that she was still pouring in to.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, pulling the pot away to place on the counter, which was now covered in a brown puddle. She pulled some towels from the dispenser to quickly clean it up before it made it to the floor. But, an even quicker acting Garcia was already on top of it.

She stood back, feeling useless. Feeling lost, essentially. She'd been feeling this way ever since Dr. Oswald had given her the unexpected news last week. JJ had no idea what she was going to do with that revelation.

It hurt her stomach to think about. And then it hurt her stomach even more to think that it hurt her stomach to think about being pregnant. Her head hurt, too, somewhere in that mess.

Only one thing was certain, she would be keeping this baby. There was no way she'd give it up and abortion was out of the question at this point. But the thing was it never would have been an option, anyways. Despite this baby being a complication to her fragile relationship with Hotch, it _was_ created out of love.

She loved Aaron, and knew he loved her in return. This baby was a symbol of that love. Now, if only she could come up with a satisfactory way to tell that to him.

"JJ?" Garcia said gently, but urgently.

_Oops._ She'd zoned out again. "Sorry," she murmured insufficiently.

Garcia made a harrumphing sound, indicating her answer was not good enough. Her friend took the paper towels from her hands, balled them up, and tossed them into a nearby trash can. And then, to JJ's surprise, her fellow blonde took her hands and led her to the lone table in the room, urging her to sit.

"JJ, something's up. You've been doing stuff like this all week…"

She looked into her brown eyes, surprised. JJ hadn't known others had noticed her various recent quirks and mishaps. They were nothing big. Forgetfulness, mostly.

On several occasions, the team would be discussing a particular case and when she was asked to directly comment, she'd go blank. Completely forgetting what they were talking about. Other times, she'd do things similar to what she'd done with the coffee pot. The last time, it had been an incident with the water cooler.

JJ couldn't help it. She just wasn't all there. Her mind was caught up in the world of what-if's.

"The last time you were this absent-minded you were pregnant…" she trailed off at the sight of JJ's wincing.

Her friend's statement had started out laughingly enough, but at her slight and brief reaction Garcia's eyes narrowed at her shrewdly.

She looked down quickly, not able to meet her best friend's eyes. She couldn't. She didn't want to witness the moment of recognition, followed by the inevitable wonder, and finally the happiness. Not when she didn't know if _she_ could even feel that way yet.

"Hun?" Garcia said breathlessly, almost whispering. "Are you pregnant?"

She nodded solemnly.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed, instantly engulfing her in a much needed hug. JJ clung to her fiercely as Garcia went on. "Congratulations, sweetie! This is just the best news ever."

She wholeheartedly agreed. JJ loved Aaron; she wanted to be with him always. Having a baby with him was a blessing, a dream come true. She only wished she knew one-hundred percent that he felt the same. She didn't. And she was terrified to ask.

Garcia, sensing her lackluster response, pulled back from the embrace. JJ didn't want to meet her gaze, but the technical analyst was having none of that this time. "Peaches," she demanded, "look at me." Reluctantly, she did as told. "This is a good thing, isn't it?"

"It... is…" Her voice broke on the words and Garcia's eyes widened in alarm. "Please don't say anything, ok? Penelope, no one knows yet. I haven't… I don't know…" She trailed off at a loss.

"Boss-man doesn't know," she stated more than asked.

She shook her head. "I… I don't know how to tell him."

Garcia quirked an eyebrow at her. "It's easy; you just go up to him and say, 'Boss-man, I'm preggers!' See, _easy._"

She chuckled. "I don't know about that."

The computer savvy blonde went silent as she considered JJ carefully. She had the uncomfortable feeling of being a specimen under her microscope. Without warning, Garcia gasped, putting a hand over her surprised mouth.

JJ shifted awkwardly in her seat, waiting for her to spit out whatever conclusion she'd come to.

The hand came down a second later. "Oh my God…" she whispered. "You don't think he'll be happy about this."

Tears sprang to her eyes. She'd hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what she thought. "How could he be?" she lamented.

"How could he not?" Garcia exclaimed scandalously. She just couldn't see why he wouldn't want this child. "JJ, that's his baby you're carrying, how could you think he wouldn't care?"

She wiped away the wetness and sighed. "Because you weren't always there after… after Jack died. You didn't see it… the way he was… especially when Henry first came to stay with us…"

"He loves Henry!" Garcia protested.

"Now," she conceded. She knew he adored her baby, but… "It's not the same, Penelope. Henry's not his flesh and blood. It's different."

Her friend shook her head in exasperation. "You're not making any sense."

Taking a deep breath, she said, "He doesn't want kids, Pen." Her friend opened her mouth to protest some more, probably to ask how she knew. "_I know,_" she added definitively.

Garcia pursed her lips for a moment, taking this info in. "Well," she said after that moment. "Want or don't want, he's getting one. You need to tell him."

"I will," she confirmed. "But… but I won't force him to be anything to this baby… not if it's going to cause him anymore pain."

The tears came back and she was pulled back into that hug. "Oh hun, no… no, that is such a mistake… _But_, it's yours to make…"

Garcia let out a sigh, pulling away from her. JJ was so grateful for her friendship; she'd been going crazy with the news all week. And she was so glad she'd gotten this unexpected moment to tell her.

"Everything all right?"

The pair jumped in surprise, looking towards the doorway. There, stood a concerned looking Rossi. His eyes zeroed in on JJ's tear-filled eyes. He was clearly about to say more, but JJ beat him to it.

"We're fine," she insisted, standing up. "What's up?"

He narrowed his eyes at her, but said, "Nothing, I came in for a refill." He gestured with his mug. "Well, not nothing, actually. We've got a case."

Garcia nodded her head, sparing her one last concerned filled look. "I'll get the others."

She left the room, leaving her with Rossi. JJ tried to move past the man too, but he blocked her way.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

His eyes pierced her intently. He knew something was wrong. Luckily, she was sure he couldn't guess what. "Yes," she answered simply.

The concern didn't waver, but with her clear answer he couldn't hold her there longer, so he stepped aside.

She wasn't all right. She didn't know what she would do to get to the point of all-right-ness. All she knew at that moment was that if they were about to go on a case, she'd have to go let Hotch know. And for now that's all she'd tell him; she wasn't about to drop the baby-bomb on him and disappear. For that they'd need some time alone.

* * *

><p>That's it for this chapter. I wanted to show JJ's feelings on the matter before we go to Hotch. Hope to have an update soon with Hotch's reaction.<p>

Thanks to everyone who's been reading and to those who have reviewed: **Christiangirl** (thank you for all the lovely reviews; sorry to keep you waiting); **jekkah; skatergirl84; AvngAngl; beaglelover719; Doc . blu xx; sugarhigh9394; canny-bairn** (safe to say you were shocked by those turn of events? Lol); **Guest; HotchRocks; and Westie80.**


	18. Stalling

**A/N:** Hey all! Sorry for the delay. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 18: Stalling: **

* * *

><p>"There's something wrong with JJ!"<p>

Hotch looked up from the papers he was working on to slowly process the scene. _First:_ Dave was in his office. The man had stormed in and now looked agitated. _Second:_ he'd blurted something out. Quickly. So, he'd missed most of what he'd said. And _third:_ JJ. He'd said something about JJ.

He dropped his pen to his desktop and focused on the elite profiler. "What was that about JJ?"

Rossi let out a frustrated breath. Obviously something was up, which worried Hotch instantly.

"I said something's wrong with her."

He frowned. She was fine when they'd left for work together that morning. "What do you mean, exactly?" he asked.

"I just walked into the break-room. She was there, with Garcia. And she looked on the verge of crying." He paused, letting this sink in. "I asked her if she was all right, she said she was, but… We've got a case, Hotch. Maybe you should check on her before we go."

"She's been fighting the flu all week, that's probably it," he stated, remembering all the times he'd caught her in the washroom retching. He'd tried to get her to stay home, but she would insist afterward that she felt much better. Somehow, he had a feeling it was much more than that, though. "But, you're right, I should check on her."

He stood up and followed Rossi out of the room and down the hall to the conference room where the team was gathered.

"Boss-man!" Garcia greeted, her expression a mixture of delight at seeing him and something else.

He kept his eyes averted from the screens, not wanting to see the carnage that would most likely be displayed. "Hi, everyone. Uh, I just came to see if I could have a quick word with JJ…"

Finding her, he saw her mouth slightly parted in surprise. She wasn't sure what this was about.

"It'll just take a second," he reassured, stepping to the side as Rossi entered the room. It was then he saw her blue eyes land on Rossi, recognition flitted across her face, then, a grimace.

They silently walked back to his office, shutting the door behind them before either of them could say a word.

She crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm fine, Aaron," she claimed immediately.

He leaned back against his desk, blowing out a breath. "Are you? Because you weren't last night. You couldn't hold your dinner down. I'm surprised you were ok this morning. But if you aren't feeling well now, maybe you should stay back."

"I'm fine," she said again, dropping her arms to her sides. "Really. I haven't thrown up _since_ last night."

He took a step towards her, putting his hands on either side of her arms, rubbing them. He didn't want to pry, but he needed to know that she was all right. "Then why does Rossi think he saw you near tears earlier?"

A look of panic crossed her eyes, but she remained tightlipped. Something was definitely up.

"Come on, JJ. You know you can tell me anything. I love you," he said, making sure she met his gaze. "I'll be here for you no matter what."

To his surprise, tears welled up in her blue orbs at his words and she broke away from him, covering up what sounded like a sob with a cough.

"JJ!" he said, now more alarmed than ever. He took a step towards her but she straightened up and put a hand up in front of her, halting him.

"No, I'm ok," she assured more calmly.

Like hell she was. "JJ," he tried again.

She took a deep breath, composing herself by the second. "Listen, Aaron, I'm sorry for worrying you. There isn't anything wrong, per se…"

"But there's something," he stated more than asked. She nodded her head in confirmation. "You can tell me!" he insisted.

She nodded again, stepping back towards him. "I know." She grasped his hand. "And I will, when I get back." He opened his mouth to protest, but she didn't allow it. "When I get back, ok. There isn't enough time to explain, to talk…" She moved back to the door.

"Explain? Talk? _About what?_"

JJ let out a sigh. She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him long and deep. "It's a long story… Just know it's not anything bad, ok… I love you."

He watched her go, thinking, 'She said it wasn't anything bad. It's _not_ bad… So why do I feel like my whole world is about to fall apart, again?'

* * *

><p>"It's not anything bad."<p>

Startled, JJ moved her gaze from the blue, endless sky to the man who'd just taken a seat across from her. She'd been so lost in thought, wondering if even giving Hotch a hint of what was to come was the right thing to do—maybe she should have denied everything?—when Rossi had snuck up on her.

"What?" she asked, shaking herself out of her thoughts.

"You told Hotch, it wasn't anything bad," he stated, giving her a cursory once over. She opened her mouth to protest at his prying but he beat her to it. "I talked to him, before we left. I needed to know if you were all right to come out with us… He's confused as hell."

She shrugged her shoulders uncomfortably. "I told him I'd explain when we get back."

His gaze pierced her to her seat; she struggled not to shift guiltily under his stare. "He also mentioned something about you fighting the flu…"

JJ waved a hand in the air, trying for an air of nonchalance, desperately hoping her flimsy cover-story would continue to hold. "Yeah, but, I'm fine…"

"… _all week_?" he questioned as if she'd said nothing.

She opened and closed her mouth, her brain working a mile a minute searching for Reid-like medical facts to give him. Nothing came to mind. She was at a loss.

"I also noticed, you've been irritable… you took the kid's head off when he tried one of his popping magic tricks near your desk… You've been clumsier than usual, absentminded… Heck, I once saw you try to use your phone as a stapler…"

Finally composing herself, she said, "So, it hasn't been a good week, sue me?"

"JJ, you're pregnant," he said, completely deadpan.

Her heart stopped; she was sure the color had drained out of her face. _How the hell was everyone figuring it out? _she thought to herself.

She looked around her frantically, assessing whether anyone else heard. She didn't need anyone else knowing if they hadn't figured it out themselves. "No, I'm not," she still denied.

"You are," he countered. "And the only reason Hotch hasn't put two and two together is because he doesn't want to. Because trust me, he isn't so dumb to believe you've had the flu all week."

She groaned, putting her head into her hands. "I know…"

"What are you going to do?" Rossi asked more gently this time.

Peeking through her fingers, she hoped he'd offer up some advice. She could definitely use some from the best friend of her boyfriend right about now. But, he remained quiet, waiting for her answer. "I'm… going to tell… _him?_" she answered, not so confidently. She hoped his reaction would tell her if this was the right way to do things.

"Of course you're going to tell him," Rossi returned, as if that were obvious. "What are you going to do after you tell him?"

He had something on his mind, she could tell; he was only toying with her. He knew she'd tell Hotch, and he knew what Hotch's reaction to the baby would be. She dreaded it, but she believed she also knew. What Rossi _didn't_ know was how she was going to handle his reaction. That was something she didn't know either.

"He might surprise you," he offered, lamely.

"Dave," she whispered harshly, her fears seeping into her words. "His own son died but months ago… he couldn't stand to be in the same room with Henry, a boy he loves. He's pretty much confessed to me he never wants children again… Do you really think he's going to accept this baby?"

He was nodding. "Yes," he said, surprising her. "In time… he will come to realize that the world, with all its bad, has some good left in it. And that good…" He pointed to her stomach. "… is this baby."

She let out a sigh. He was right, she thought. Hotch was a good man. He'd accepted her in his life. She'd been one step in the right direction, showing him all was not evil in the world they lived in. This baby could be the second.

"I'm scared," she confessed.

It was Rossi's turn to let out a sigh. "Whatever happens, you know you won't be alone, right? You've got all of us." She nodded. "Hotch has suffered a great deal… there's no doubt about that. But, he's still the same man he's always been… A _good_ man. Give him the benefit of the doubt, all right?"

"Of course."

It was her hope, her dream, that when she revealed the news of this child he'd gather her up in his arms and they'd cry happy tears over the miracle that this baby was.

_And what if he doesn't?_ a voice in her head countered.

_Then…_ She'd give Hotch time. Just like Rossi said, Hotch was a good man; he loved Henry, accepted him. He'd love their baby as well. She was sure.

She just wished the aching pit in her stomach was as sure as she was…

* * *

><p>Again, I hope you enjoyed. More to come, hopefully soon.<p>

Thanks for reading and thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: **jekkah; sugarhigh9394; Dance Elle Dance; Fee-Hotch; Bea; CM Fan; Christiangirl; and HotchRocks.**

And one last message from the **ProfilerChoiceAwards2013 Forum:**

**NOMINATIONS HAVE STARTED FOR PROFILER'S CHOICE CRIMINAL MINDS FANFIC AWARDS! Calling all CM readers and authors! Join us for the annual Profiler's Choice CM Awards on fanfiction . net! Help us choose the best of the best of the CM stories on fanfiction . net, and let your voice be heard. Please check out the nomination ballot and rules at the ProfilerChoiceAwards2013 Forum. All rules and information are on the forum. Nominations are due October 31st. All entries with ten or more categories filled out are eligible to win an Amazon gift card!**


	19. Questioning

**A/N:** Hey all! Exciting news, Death and Happiness is nominated in the Best Angst fic category in the 2013 Profiler Choice Criminal Minds Fanfic Awards. Thank you so much to everyone who nominated this story. I super appreciate it!

Now, this chapter will definitely support its nomination. Get ready for some major angst! Hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 19: Questioning:**

* * *

><p>Hotch stood back and surveyed his handy work. Little round table for two nestled under the window that overlooked the city beyond. Check! Table setting for two, complete with his mother's old candelabra and lace table cloth. Check! Now, all he needed was the woman he loved to complete the picture.<p>

His phone rang then and he quickly picked it up, not bothering with checking the Caller ID since he had a pretty good idea who it was. "Hey, Dave," he answered, and then listened for twenty seconds. "All right… Thanks for letting me know… ok, bye."

Blowing out a breath, he decided to sit down in the living room while he waited for JJ to arrive. The team, according to Rossi, had just landed, back from their latest case and it wasn't a moment too soon.

It had been about a week since JJ had dropped the bomb on him. That she had something to tell him. Something they needed to talk about. She'd explicitly told him that 'it wasn't anything bad.' But, he'd been in a constant state of dread since the minute she'd left. And their handful of conversations over the phone had done nothing to calm him.

He feared the worst, of course. Anything from she had a fatal disease and only months to live, to something like she wanted to end things with him. Hotch had no clue how he would be able to cope with either possible revelation.

Only her assurance that 'it wasn't anything bad' and Rossi's constant texts over the week that JJ was looking and feeling better, had kept him sane. He'd even gone to see Dr. Carson, revealing his thoughts on the situation to her. She'd helped by reminding him that it was normal to fear and anticipate the unexpected or unknown, but to not let it run his life. So, that was what he'd tried to do all week, hanging out with Henry, even catching a movie with Garcia. Normal things that momentarily got his mind off JJ's impending disclosure.

Dr. Carson had also suggested he do something for JJ to let her know how much he cared for her.

So, here he was, awaiting her return home. He'd prepared her favorite food—pasta primavera—and had a bottle of her favorite wine waiting, as well. After, he was prepared to draw her a bath so she could relax and unwind for the night. Anything for her, anything to make her happy.

She'd be home soon. Hotch stood up and went back to the kitchen. He popped the tray of pasta in the oven, timing it. He stood back against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. Staring off into space, his mind began to wander to those more unpleasant thoughts.

_What could it be?_ he thought warily. _What could JJ possibly be worried about telling me?_

Her worry obviously made him worry.

He pushed off the counter and without really thinking, he made his way to the one place that reminded him of the best times _and_ worst moment of his life: Jack's room.

Hotch let out a sigh as he crossed the threshold. It had been too long since he'd been in there. He was ashamed of himself; the first time he'd been in there in months and it was his dread that led him there, not his love for his son.

Too much of Jack's young life had been filled with sorrow, pain, and loss. From Hotch's split from his mother, to the whole witness protection and loss of Hailey at the hands of the Reaper, and finally to his own death, it was too much suffering for a child of six to have procured. And yet, Hotch knew those weren't the moments that he should be dwelling on. It was the happy times. Like the time Jack had scored the winning goal on his soccer team or the time he'd dressed up in a suit and tie for Halloween instead of Spiderman. Those were the memories Hotch should have been holding onto.

If he were truthful with himself, though, he knew both types of memories caused him some measure of pain.

So, in the month's he hadn't set foot in his son's bedroom, he'd chosen to be happy. But, at what cost? The memory of his son?

Dr. Carson would say he was avoiding the room to evade the sting of remembering Jack. She'd be right, of course. She always was. It was just so wrong. Not the part about choosing to be happy, she'd agree with that, but the part about avoiding reminders of his son.

The problem was, he wasn't sure if he'd learned to balance the two, death and happiness, yet. He wasn't sure he could deal with both. He guessed there was only one way of finding out.

He needed to put some of Jack's things away. His son's memory didn't deserve to be enshrined, never to be set upon or looked at. Never changed, like nothing had ever occurred. His son had passed. A big change _had_ happened. Jack deserved to be cherished, remembered, but not forgotten, shut away in one room.

He gazed around the small area. _Boxes._ He'd need some boxes. Then he would have to figure out what to keep, to display, and, if anything, to give away. It would be an emotional task, moving on. Could he do it?—he wiped at the moisture accumulating in his eyes—He would find out soon enough, he guessed.

If he could face this task head on, then he was sure he'd be able to face whatever JJ had to tell him. However much he would love to avoid her revelation and go on with the status quo of last week, he knew that in order to move on he needed to hear what she had to tell him.

He would have to confront JJ head on, figure out what was going on and deal with it. Though, he suspected that that was easier said than done. However, he was comforted slightly with the knowledge that nothing could be ever be as bad as losing Jack. _Right?_ He was semi-sure he could handle what JJ told him. He could do this.

"Aaron?"

Startled, he turned around to see JJ standing in the doorway. She looked cautious, sad. He wondered if it was because of where she'd found him or if it was what she had to tell him.

"JJ, sweetheart, I didn't hear you come in," he let her know.

She gave him a small smile. "That's all right. You ok?"

He held an arm out to his side, inviting her in. She did so, coming over to his side. Encircling her in his arms, he hugged her close, savoring the embrace.

"I'm fine. I thought it was time put some of Jack's things away."

She pulled back from him a little, looking up at him in surprise. "Really?

He nodded. "It might be time to move on. I'll never forget Jack. I'll love him forever, but I need to let my son rest in peace."

Tears shimmered in JJ's bottomless blue eyes. There was sorrow there, but also unmistakable hope. "You'll never forget him, Aaron. Still, I think moving on, living your life is for the best."

Hotch hated it, but that hope shining bright in her eyes, made him apprehensive. He took her hand in his. He needed to know now.

However, no one ever said you couldn't spill your guts over a good meal. "Come on." She shot him a quizzical look. "Dinner," he said simply.

* * *

><p>"Wow," JJ breathed out as he led her to the table nestled in the small dining room off the kitchen.<p>

It was beautiful. Elegantly set with fine china and antique looking place settings. Candles lit at the table, and around the room, their flames creating dancing shadows on the walls around. She felt like she should have been wearing an elaborate evening gown instead of her work skirt and blouse.

She glanced at her boyfriend. "What's the occasion?"

He smiled for the first time that night. "No occasion really. I just thought you'd enjoy a nice meal after a long week of work."

She smelled the pasta cooking in the oven for the first time that night. "Mmm… pasta primavera. Aaron, you shouldn't have."

He pulled out a chair for her. "Yes, I should have. I love you, JJ. I want to make sure you know that."

She sat down, squeezing his hand before he turned for the kitchen. "I know. And I love you, too."

"I'll be right back with dinner," he assured, disappearing into the kitchen a second later.

JJ settled back in her seat, feeling slightly more relaxed than when she'd first arrived and found him in Jack's room. All week long tension weaved itself steadily inside of her; she knew this moment now was only a short interlude before that thread of trepidation would snap. She had to tell him, of course. And she knew without a shadow of doubt that his reaction would be uneasy, at least at first.

_What words should I use? How do I tell him? I should wait for the right moment… When _is_ the right moment? _

Despite her sense of calm, wild thoughts raced through her head. They were the same ones she'd been thinking all week. Truthfully, she'd been absolutely useless to the team on the case they'd just closed. She shouldn't have gone, even though she was feeling better. Her anxiety at having to tell Aaron about the baby had got the better of her.

_Will he accept the baby? Of course he'll accept the baby… Eventually he'll accept the baby…_

She thought back to the moment just ten minutes ago when she'd come home and found him in Jack's room. Her concern had ramped up in that instant. She knew, even though they hadn't openly talked about it, that he hadn't gone inside Jack's bedroom in months. JJ didn't know why exactly he avoided the room. If she had to guess, she would say it was too painful. But, to see him inside just then, she didn't know what to think. Had he had a relapse? Had he, while she was away, dwelled on all the things he'd lost and spiraled into the darkness once again? Or, was he facing his pain and fears and dealing with the tragedy in a way he hadn't really done yet, as evidenced by Jack's pristinely untouched room?

She'd looked on him in that instant in panic. Panic that she could lose him even before she told him the good news. And she'd almost chickened out. She thought about fleeing. Going back to the living room and waiting for him to come to her. Never to know what exactly he'd been feeling in that moment, in that room.

JJ wasn't a coward though. She faced her fears; at least she eventually faced her fears. And so she didn't delay it. She spoke up. And she was so glad she had.

When he'd revealed to her his want to move on, that sentiment had brought so much hope to her. Maybe he _was_ ready to hear about this baby. Maybe their lives _could_ become the happy fairy tale she'd been dreaming about.

_Maybe, maybe…_

Hotch returned then, to reveal her favorite food. He set it on the side-table, took off the oven mitts, and once again disappeared into the kitchen. This time he was gone for mere seconds and when he returned her face drained of some of its earlier cheerful color.

Holding a bottle of wine, Hotch caught her change of expression. "What's wrong?" he asked.

She let out a sigh. This was as good an opening as any, she told herself. "Sit down, Aaron. There's something I should tell you before we have dinner."

* * *

><p>Hotch looked at JJ, glad but also wary of her want to get it done right away. He hadn't forgotten about what she'd said a week ago and it was good to see that she wasn't about to put it off either.<p>

"All right…" he said tentatively.

He took his seat from across her, dinner all but forgotten. He placed the chilled bottle of wine on the table between them. The bottle she'd seemed to freeze at the sight of. That had prompted her want to tell him right then.

JJ reached across the table and took his hand in hers. He didn't know he'd become so cold until her warm hand made contact with his icy one. As if needing an anchor, he turned her hand in his and entwined their fingers, holding on with all his might.

She squeezed his hand again, trying to convey her reassurance. "It's nothing bad, Aaron. I told you that, already."

Yes, she had, and those words had been racing through his mind all week. Funny how they'd done nothing to assuage his qualms.

"JJ, please," he breathed out. "Just… just tell me."

She nodded. If she was surprised by the tone of desperation in his voice, she didn't let on. "Ok… You know how I went to the doctor two weeks ago…"

_Oh God… this _is_ a medical thing._ No matter what he'd be there for her. He'd get her through this. "Yes…" he started slowly. "You weren't feeling well for weeks. You thought it was the flu?"

He posed it as a question. Asking her in a roundabout way to tell him what it really was.

She chuckled mirthlessly. "Yeah, the flu…" She stopped talking then, looking off to the distance as she probably remembered that life-altering visit to the doctor.

"JJ," he said gently, bringing her back to the present.

She looked at him with wide eyes. "Sorry," she mumbled, taking a deep, fortifying breath. "It wasn't the flu. It was… Aaron, I'm… The reason why I was sick for so many days was because of… morning sickness."

"What?" he asked sharply, completely caught off guard by this revelation. "Morning… sickness?"

He'd been expecting cancer; he'd been expecting some degenerative autoimmune disease. He had not expected the words 'morning sickness' to come out of her mouth.

JJ wasn't dying. That was absolutely the best news ever.

And she wasn't going to leave him. Also good news.

_Still…_

"Aaron," she said urgently. He looked up at her and he could see the fear in her eyes. "Aaron, we're going to have a baby."

_A baby?_

She tried smiling, but it faded quickly when his face remained impassive.

A baby… a baby was just what he'd recently told Dr. Carson he couldn't ever have.

No. He couldn't do this. No. He didn't want this. A baby… Children weren't for him. Wasn't Jack proof enough of that? No.

"Aaron, say something, please," JJ implored, the hint of hysteria in her voice snapping him back to attention.

Realizing her hand had got just as cold as his own, he pulled it from her grip. JJ looked at him, staggered, as if he'd just claimed she was the most disgusting thing in the world to him.

She wasn't. Oh God, she wasn't. But, a baby? He could not deal with this.

Quickly, he got out of his seat and turned away from her. He was ready to leave the room when the sound of her sobs stopped him dead in his tracks. Hotch turned around to find the woman he loved crying into her cupped hands.

He'd done this. He'd made her cry.

Hotch longed to go to her. To put his arms around her, tell her everything would be all right. That he was ecstatic at her news.

But he couldn't lie to her. He had no idea if everything would be all right. He wasn't sure he felt anything at her news other than agony and distress.

"JJ," he attempted, voice so thick and hoarse from emotion. She pulled her face away from her hands and he could see. See what his reaction had done to her. She looked as if he'd broken her heart. And he guessed he had.

"JJ…" he tried again, desperation creeping into his voice. He couldn't lose her. But, he didn't know how to deal with this either. JJ and a baby. "I… I don't know… I don't know if I can raise a baby… If I want… another child."

There he'd said it. He was being honest and truthful. He didn't know. Up until recently he was pretty sure he didn't want to have another child ever again.

His honesty had the opposite effect on JJ than what he'd hoped; she burst into a new bout of tears. He'd hoped she'd understand. That she'd say she'd give him time to think.

"Aar—ron," her voice broke on his name. "I… I'm keeping this baby. No matter what."

And there it was. Her, for lack of a better word, ultimatum. Either he accepted this child or there would be no more JJ in his life.

No more JJ and, by extension, no more Henry. The two people he'd come to rely on most to get him through the most horrible time in his life.

It should have been a no brainer. That he change his mind and accept this. But one thought kept racing through his mind: _What if? What if I have to bury another child? _

He would surely die.

"I'm sorry, JJ…"

JJ wiped at her streaming eyes, nodded once, and stood up. She made her way to the front door, grabbing her purse and keys.

"Where are you going?" he asked panicked.

"I… I need some air," she told him.

She opened the door, exiting their home, and quite possibly his life. "JJ," he said one last time.

She paused, searching his face, looking for the reaction he should have had to her news. Even a hint of it. But, she knew, as he well knew, that it just wasn't there. And she left, just walked right down the halls, disappearing around the corner.

Hotch slowly shut the door behind him. She would be back. Of course, she'd be back. This was her home now. She wouldn't leave him. She couldn't.

But, he was just trying to convince himself. JJ was having this baby. And he'd have to accept it to have her in is life.

Something he wasn't sure he was prepared to do.

* * *

><p>JJ knocked frantically on the door before her. She knew it was late. Knew it was ridiculous even coming here. But she just had to. She had to see him.<p>

She waited, and then started knocking on the door once again. She glanced up at the house's windows. They were all dark. They were surely sleeping. But, she didn't care. She needed him.

Again she waited, and again she was about to start a new bout of knocking when the door suddenly swung open.

"JJ?" Will said in surprise. "What do you think you're—" He cut himself at the sight of her tear-streaked face.

"I need to see my baby, Will," she said hysterically.

"Henry's sleeping, JJ," he told her.

"I don't care… I just… I need to see him, be near him. Please," she implored, close to another breakdown.

"Ok… ok." Her ex looked clearly shaken at her sudden appearance. He held the door open for her and she crossed the threshold to her former home. "JJ, wait. Tell me what's wrong. What happened?"

She looked from the stairs that would lead her up to her first born, soon-to-be older brother of her new baby and back to the father of said son. He looked as if he'd deny her access to Henry if she didn't confess her state of mind.

"He… he doesn't want me…" she murmured brokenly.

"What? What are you talking about?" Will wanted to know.

"Aaron," she said more firmly, though the tears had started anew. "He… he doesn't want me anymore."

"JJ," he whispered, stunned.

And that was it, the thread finally snapped and she broke down. Will gathered her up in his arms, holding her close as the tears flowed and flowed, her sobs becoming louder and louder.

She knew Aaron wouldn't exactly jump for joy at the news. But, she had never expected him to just shut down completely.

She'd had hope, before. Now, she wasn't sure she had anything anymore.

* * *

><p>Well, that's it for this chapter. I said before we'd take at least one more turn at the angst before we could get to the happily ever after part, so here it is.<p>

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope you'll let me know what you thought.

If you'd like to **vote for Death and Happiness in the Best Angst category** or just check out all the other nominees and categories **please visit the Profiler Choice Awards 2013 forum** on fanfiction . net for all the rules and the complete ballot. There's a link in my profile to the forum. **Voting ends December 14.**

Thanks to everyone who read the last chapter and to those who reviewed: **ThePenIsMighty; Christiangirl** _(it will, he just hasn't realized it yet. Thanks for the review!)_;** red2013; CMfan; BAUMember; bea; and HotchRocks** _(Hotch has received your warning and taken it to heart. Lol. Thanks for the review); _

I'll try to update soon. See ya!


	20. Pieces

**A/N:** Uh hi… remember me? It's been a super long time since I updated, right? Major writer's block combined with just trying to find the time to sit down and write something made it difficult to get this chapter out. But, it's here, so yay!

Before the chapter, I just wanted to say a big thanks to everyone who voted this story as the Best Angst fic during the 2013 Profiler's Choice Awards. You guys are awesome!

Anyways, enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 20: Pieces:**

* * *

><p>"Mommy, are you ok?" Henry asked from JJ's side.<p>

Propped up on pillows in Will's guestroom, she looked down at her blonde-headed angel, thinking through her response carefully.

She smoothed a hand across his downy hair, relishing being next to him. JJ answered, "Oh _yeah_, how can I not be when I've got my favorite person in the world right here next to me?"

Snuggling him close, Henry let out a pleased giggle. Still her happy child despite the way she'd arrived on their doorstep the night before. Thank goodness he hadn't been awake to see what a mess she'd been.

To think that she'd selfishly thought of seeing him the moment when she was essentially falling apart; she mentally shook her head at herself. Luckily, Will had steered her to the den in the basement, the furthest from Henry they could get, where she safely had her breakdown and divulged all to the father of her first child.

She learned this morning, when Will and Henry had brought her breakfast in bed, that Will had explained her sudden presence in their home by saying she wasn't feeling well. The tiny white lie was fine; she wouldn't be making a habit of this anyways, at least she hoped she wouldn't.

A knock on the door interrupted their mother/son time. Glancing up, she found Will standing in the doorway, an African-American woman behind him. She recognized the woman; JJ had met her once, Will's girlfriend.

"Hey," he addressed JJ quickly before he turned a big smile on his son. "Ok, Henry, time to hug mommy bye. Mia's here to take you out for ice cream."

"Yay!" he exclaimed.

Mia stepped inside the room; she was tall, taller than Will, with spirally brown hair and a pretty face. The woman smiled at her in greeting and it was contagious enough that she managed a shaky smile back.

The weirdness of the situation was not lost on JJ. She didn't want Mia to feel like she was infringing on her territory. Will was solidly hers. The only thing JJ felt for him was the affection for a friend. A close friend, yes, but that was all.

JJ hadn't meant to run to Will after she'd revealed all to Hotch. The only thing on her mind had been getting to Henry. She needed the comfort her son brought her. But, after speaking with Will in the den, she'd come to her senses, realizing that holding Henry while she cried herself to sleep wouldn't exactly be healthy for either of them. Hence, the use of his guestroom.

Henry gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Feel better, 'k, mommy."

She nodded that she would before he ran off.

JJ was left alone for a couple of minutes. She took the time to sit up in bed, rubbing her hands across her gritty face. Ok, it was definitely time to get it together. She needed to go home, take a shower, and get changed. This wasn't like her, wallowing in self-pity. She needed to go on with her life. JJ _would_ go on with her life like nothing had changed.

_Except, everything has... _

Tears sprung to her eyes as she considered her current predicament. Things were not going according to plan.

She was pregnant. And the father of her baby didn't want anything to do with it.

_That's not fair, JJ. You sprung this on him just last night, give him a chance to process…_ a voice in her head scolded.

She nodded to herself. Ok, she would. Still, that didn't mean she'd sit around waiting while he did. There was just too much to do.

And with that thought, she stood up, ready to get the heck out of there. She'd already taken too much of Will's time.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Startled, JJ looked to the door to find her ex standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest, looking stern and concerned.

"I've got to get home. I have a lot to do, Will."

"Sit down, JJ," he told her. The tone of his voice told her he expected no arguments. "You haven't even touched your breakfast."

She involuntarily glanced at the tray on the nightstand: pancakes and scrambled eggs. The thought of eating any of it, despite it being her favorite, twisted her stomach. Will came into the room, picking up the tray, he handed it to her.

"_Sit._ You need to eat, for the baby."

She blew out an irritated breath; nonetheless, she sat back down on the bed, taking the tray with her. She hated when he was right. "Fine," she replied.

Picking up the fork, she began to take a few tiny bites, all the while feeling the weight of the southern detective's stare on her the whole time. He had more to say, but he was giving her a brief reprieve.

She didn't dare look up to meet his gaze, sure of the pity that she'd find there.

After a few more minutes of awkward silence, Will spoke up, "JJ?"

A quick glance up confirmed her suspicions, his pale blue eyes held sorrow for her, but also confusion, worry, and something else she didn't want to name.

"What did you tell Mia?" she headed him off, delaying the sure to be uncomfortable questions that were to come.

Surprising her, he came to sit on the edge of the bed across from her. "The truth, mostly. That you had a fight with Hotch and wanted to see Henry."

"It wasn't a fight," she mumbled to herself, thinking back to that painful night.

Will didn't say anything for a while, so she occupied herself with eating and avoiding his gaze. She knew if she didn't say anything that he was sure to begin with the questions. But she had nothing.

"What are you going to do now, JJ?" Somehow she knew he wasn't just talking about the rest of her day. "Do you want the baby?"

Startled, she dropped the fork and looked him head on. "Yes!" she responded adamantly. Her hands went to her still small belly, covering it protectively. "Yes. I… I love it."

Will nodded. He understood. He was a father. You didn't even have to see the baby to know it, to know that you'd love your child forever.

"If… if Hotch… if he doesn't…" he tried to formulate a sentence. She knew he was trying to be delicate. Failing, he let out a harsh sounding breath, blurting out with it, "Will you raise it on your own?"

JJ cringed. She didn't want to think about the possibility of Aaron never coming around to the idea of a child. Didn't want to believe in it, anyways.

The truth was she'd seen so many positive changes in Aaron since the weeks after Jack's death. She'd truly believed they amounted to him accepting another child.

_But what if it doesn't?_ a nagging voice questioned.

"What… what other choice would I have?" She hated that her voice quavered on the words, like she was terrified at the prospect of being a single mom.

She'd been in this position before, when she'd had to tell Will that she was pregnant. Then, she had no idea how he would react, but she'd resolved to raise Henry on her own if Will hadn't wanted to. Luckily, that hadn't been the case. Then and now, she had the means to raise a baby on her own. She could do it. That didn't mean she wanted to, though. She wanted Aaron in their lives.

"You have me."

She looked at him sharply, her jaw dropping. "Wha—Will?" Had she heard him correctly? Was he actually offering up his services to raise her child? Whatever his intentions, she shook her head vehemently. "Will, I—"

"Wait, hear me out, JJ, please," he cut her off.

An apprehensive look on her face, she closed her still open mouth, willing to let him speak.

"Henry is _our_ son, yours and mine. That baby you're carrying is going to be his brother or sister. If Hotch can't be there for his child, _I_ can."

She shook her head, uncomprehending. This was ridiculous. "I don't understand… I don't… I don't know what you're saying…"

Will took her hand in his, stunning her all the more. "All I'm saying is I will always be here for you. _Whatever_ you need."

She looked into the ice blue of his eyes, seeing what he wasn't putting into words. Remembering that the split between them had been amicable, yes, but reluctant on his part. _Oh, God…_

"But, Mia—" she protested.

"Mia's great, I care about her," he allowed. "But, she isn't the mother of my child."

And there it was. Laid out as plain as their situation would allow. Will would take her back. All she had to do was say the word.

"Will," she breathed out, choking back a sudden urge to cry. "I love Aaron. I _need_ him."

Silence followed her admission as his eyes bored holes into her own, searching for the underlying truth that he would not find. Finally, he gave a resolute nod, looking away.

"I'm sorry…" she murmured, knowing it wasn't enough, knowing she'd hurt him once again.

He stood up, back turned to her. "No, don't be. I was just… putting it out there…" She watched his shoulders heave as he took a deep breath. Finally, he turned to re-face her, a sincere smile on his face. "Regardless, I'm still here for you and that baby…"

Her heart warmed. Will was a true friend that was quite apparent. "Thank you, Will," she said with great affection.

* * *

><p>Knocking. Furious knocking, that's what woke him up that morning.<p>

Hotch attempted to get himself upright, groaning in the process. He was so very sore. Why was he so sore?

Opening his eyes, he waited for them to focus. What he found when they did didn't put him at ease. Hotch was on the floor, wedged between the couch and the coffee table. That explained his soreness. The empty bottle of tequila on the coffee table explained the pounding in his head. But none of that explained the knocking.

"Hotch!" a voice was yelling. "Aaron! For God's sake, open the door! Aaron!"

More pounding came as he got up on his wobbly feet. He just needed the noise to stop, and then maybe he could get out a coherent thought.

Ever so slowly, he made his way to the front door. Pulling it open, he came face to face with David Rossi.

"Aaron! Oh God!" Rossi exclaimed, hand still in mid-air. "What the hell happened to you?"

Rossi pushed straight past him, inviting himself inside. Hotch didn't have time for this, he had— Come to think of it, he had nothing to do. Still, he wasn't really in the mood for this.

"Good morning to you, too, Dave," he said hoarsely.

Shutting the door behind them, he turned around to find Rossi staring at something across the room, eyes steely. Hotch followed his gaze.

_Crap!_ he thought. He should have hid the bottle before he'd done anything.

Rossi looked at him, anger in his eyes. Flinching, he'd never been on the receiving end of Dave's hard stares. The man was mad. A second later, his best friend snatched the bottle off the table thrusting it in his face. "You're drunk!"

He pushed it away, going for the couch, completely exhausted despite sleeping a solid seven hours. It was that damned dream. It was back. "Technically, I'm hung over."

"What happened last night?" Rossi demanded.

'_Aaron, we're going to have a baby,' _JJ's voice echoed in his head. _Oh, God, JJ!_ He looked around the room; she was nowhere in sight. The last thing he remembered was her in tears saying she needed some air. _She hadn't returned?_

"JJ," he whispered her name. "I've got to—"

He cut himself off. _What? Go to her? Say he was sorry?_ He was, of course, he had never ever wanted to hurt her. But that didn't change the fact that she was still pregnant. With a baby he didn't know he could ever accept.

"She told you, didn't she," Rossi stated more than asked. Hotch looked up at him abruptly. _He knew?_ Rossi wasn't looking at him, but at the bottle in disgust. "JJ told you about the baby, but instead of dealing with it you… _you hid_ in a bottle."

The disappointment in his voice tore through him, worse than the sharpest knife. "It's not like that," he tried to deny.

Rossi looked at him then, eyes colder than he'd ever seen them. "Oh really, where is she now?"

Hotch looked away, ashamed of himself as he admitted, "I… I don't know."

"Jesus Christ, Hotch!" Rossi swore. "I thought you were getting better. But… but this—" He held up that damned bottle again. "—_This_ is as self-destructive as ever. What's worse is you're not only hurting yourself, you're taking JJ down with you. I just… I don't understand."

He knew he'd failed her, but he had to know if she was all right. "Please… do you know where she is?"

Rossi looked at him hard, searching for something… Hotch didn't know what. He must have found it, because a moment later, his eyes softened, turning on him pityingly. Dave took the chair across from him before saying, "Will called me a half hour ago. She's there. She's all right, all things considered."

Hotch let out a sigh of relief. _Thank God,_ he thought. _She's safe. Will would keep her safe._

"Aren't you going to go over there?" Rossi demanded.

He shook his head. "She's… she's better off without me."

Rossi actually growled in frustration. "You really are an idiot, aren't you?"

"Excuse me?"

"She's not better off without you. Because JJ loves you, she wants you. As long as you keep acting like a pig-headed fool, you're actually hurting her by staying away. Not the other way around!"

"But… the baby…"

"Let's talk about the baby, shall we?" Rossi began sardonically. "The miracle you and JJ created during a time of tragedy—"

"Dave," he tried to cut him off.

"What I don't understand, Aaron, is for someone who claims to love Jack so much, even Henry, why you hate their sibling so damned much? When that baby JJ's carrying is as much a part them as it is of you and her."

Hotch looked at him sternly. "I do not hate the baby."

"Then what? Explain to me what an innocent soul has ever done to you that you'd give up everything good in your life just to stay away from it."

"It's not what it's done. It's what could happen to it!" he blurted out.

Rossi let out a sigh in resignation. "I see," he said, pausing for a good while. After a minute he spoke up, "I could die tomorrow, or JJ, any one of the people you care about. We could all go tomorrow. It's a fact of life."

"It's not fair," he stated.

"No, it's not, I'll give you that," his friend agreed. "But does that mean we give up on the best parts of life in the meantime. Just wait for death and nothing else. What would the point be of ever being born?"

"I don't know."

"You need to figure that out, Aaron. And _when_ you do, go to JJ. She loves you and she's waiting."

Rossi got up to go then. He paused mid-step, staring down at him hard. "I had a son, too, Hotch. For one glorious day I had him. And just as fast as I had him, I lost him. But, I don't let James' death be an excuse for all the wrong I've done. Don't taint Jack's memory that way. Let him be your reason for doing what's right."

And just like that, he left.

Hotch contemplated his last words, wondering at his use of the word 'when' instead of 'if' he figured things out. Rossi, it seemed, still had faith in him. And, according to him, so did JJ. The problem was, did he have any in himself?

* * *

><p>That's it for this chapter. I hope you enjoyed. I will try my best to update soon (I've already got about 1500 words written and typed up, so…). I hope you'll let me know what you think about this chapter. It's been awhile and I hope I kept it in tone of the previous chapters…<p>

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter: **Guest** _(Well, here's the next chapter, it's not the end, but I hope you still liked);_ **Christiangirl; Bea; Westie80; and HotchRocks. **


	21. Moving On

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Once again, so sorry for the long wait. Life is hectic right now (what's new? Right), so updates will be slow for a while, at least until mid-June hits. Hopefully, you can bear with me; every one of my stories will continue to get updates (and eventually will be completed), nothing is being abandoned. Just wanted to let you all know. With that, I hope you enjoy this chapter.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 21: Moving on:**

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><p><em>Hotch held the sleek controller between his hands, wondering at its cordless ability. He hated to think it, but back in his day they were lucky if the controllers' cords even reached where they sat on the couch. <em>

_Staring hard at the screen, he tried to navigate the icons. The new game and console were a gift to the kids; currently, he was attempting to get the game to start up. Except, for some strange reason, turning on the console did not equal playing the game instantly. It was frustrating._

"_Can I try, Hotch?"_

_He looked to his right; Henry sat there, patiently waiting for the game to begin. Hotch shot the five year old a dubious look. A second later he handed over the black piece of plastic. After all, Henry _was _one of the kids he'd bought the game for. "Sure thing, buddy."_

_Sitting back, he watched the screen as the little boy scrolled through icon after meaningless icon. A mere thirty seconds later the game's title screen appeared._

"_Wow," Hotch murmured to himself. Either Henry was so technologically advanced he'd be following in his Aunt Penelope's footsteps one day, or he was the complete opposite and should probably take a refresher course in technology and fast. Either way, he said, "Great job!" to the young one, but he'd already lost Henry's attention._

_He watched on for a few more minutes. Henry's onscreen character jumped through flaming hoops of fire, raced around enemies, and made a mad-dash towards the finish line. The kid already seemed an expert at the game._

"_Aaron, can you give me a hand?" he heard from a distance. It was JJ, she was finally home. She'd been out all day, running errands that he'd explicitly told her he could take on, but she'd wanted the time out of the house. _

_The sound of her voice put an instant smile on his face. He stood up to see what she needed, but paused to say to Henry, "Half hour only, all right?"_

_Henry gave him a slight, distracted nod, the only indication that he'd heard him. For the second time that night he wondered if getting the video game was such a good idea. Leaving it for now, he allowed the child his fun and went in search of his mother._

_Entering the kitchen, he found JJ waiting for him at the back door. She had a little bundle in her arms that he rushed forward to relieve her from; in the process, he leaned in for a quick kiss._

"_Hello, sweetheart, how was your day?"_

"_Hectic, but good. I've got a ton of groceries to bring in. Can you go put her down and come help me?" JJ asked._

"_Of course."_

_Satisfied with his answer, JJ turned back towards the door, while he went for the stairs. He glanced down at the tiny infant in his arms, marveling at his child's beauty. A mix of him and JJ, dark and light rolled into one. Elizabeth Jareau-Hotchner. His Lizzie, as he fondly called her. _

_Even though she was only a month old, Lizzie stared back at him with deep blue eyes— identical to her mother's—as if she knew exactly who held her. _

_It was hard to take his eyes off her. She was simply perfect._

_He reached the nursery only seconds later; placing the newborn in her crib, he took a moment to just watch her. To think, a short while ago he wanted nothing to do with her. It was hard to remember his reasons for not wanting to be a part of her life. That time was but a blur to him. _

_Reaching down to put his finger in her curled up hand, he thought, _How could anyone not want you?

_He let out a content sigh, wondering how he ever got so lucky in life._

"_Hey, dad!" a familiar voice called._

_Hotch instantly froze on spot. That voice. He knew that voice. It was the voice of someone he loved dearly. So, how come those two simple words brought on a wave intense agony and sorrow? Why did he sense the impossibility of that voice?_

"_Dad, JJ's looking for you." _

_This time the sound came from right behind him. Whoever it was, he could feel his eyes staring holes into his back. Hotch could practically feel his little body radiating its glorious, living heat towards him. _

Jack!

_His baby. _

My son. Oh God, he's alive! He's really alive.

_Hotch knew God couldn't be so cruel as to take Jack away from him. It had all been one terrible dream. Of course!_

_Why did he have his back to him still? he asked himself. Hotch spun around quickly, eager to see his son's cherub face in the flesh. It felt like it had been too long since he'd seen Jack's face. Why had it been so long? he thought confusedly. _

_But, the second Hotch faced the doorway he saw that he wasn't there._

_Jack wasn't there._

_Instant panic choked him; he couldn't imagine where Jack could have gone. He was just there. Only a moment ago. _Where did he go?

_He ran out of the room into the suddenly dimly lit corridor, intent on finding him. _He must be in his room. He's only in his room, _Hotch chanted silently. _

_All of the sudden, the corridor lengthened and it seemed like there were a million doors on either side. He had no idea what was going on. All he knew was that he had to find Jack. Had to hold him in his arms and never let him go. Ever._

_Hotch ran from one door to the other, opening each one, only to find each an empty, dark hole. Running, he kept running. Time was slipping away from him._

_At the very end of the corridor, a door lit up. Jack's room! He just knew that that was where Jack would be waiting for him._

_With all his stamina, he ran for the door. Except, it seemed the faster he ran the further the door got, until it was but a tiny speck in the distance. _

"_Jack!" he yelled. "I'm coming!"_

_He ran and ran, sweat pouring down his face. He would get there, he would. Only the next thing he knew, the light that lit up the tiny door went out with a pop. _

"_No!" he screamed; somehow he knew that it was more than just a light that had been extinguished._

* * *

><p>Hotch woke with a startled jolt, still yelling, "No!"<p>

He bolted upright, staring wildly around the room, still caught up in the dream. Sweat poured down his face and drenched the sheets around him. What was going on?

_Jack!_ he thought eagerly before the grief hit him.

The faint lines of his bedroom came into partial focus. And he knew, knew exactly where he was. A place where Jack would never again be a part of.

Hotch rubbed at his tired eyes, his brain finally catching up. _It's that dream again,_ he thought as he started to put his night together. He'd gone to bed after a late TV-dinner. He'd lain there for quite some time before sleep finally came. And when it had, it was only to dream that damned dream again!

For three nights straight, he'd been taken to the same world. A world, while lovely, was so far from reality that it hurt him in and out of the dream to think about. That unrealistic foray was making it so that he hated going to sleep.

Hotch flopped back into bed, willing his heart to slow down. He stretched an arm out to the left side of bed, looking for comfort, remembering too late that none would come.

Rubbing both hands across his face, he sighed deeply. _JJ… oh, JJ,_ he mourned. God, he missed her.

It had been three days since her revelation: pregnant with his baby.

Just thinking about the baby brought back memories from the dream. They weren't hazy since this was the third time he'd dreamt it. He'd been having some form of the dream ever since Jack's passing. The Lizzie angle—Georgia and Olivia in the previous two dreams—was a new one, though. He knew it was brought on by the news he'd been given.

Hotch knew that it had only been a dream. He understood that he shouldn't put much stock into the stuff of dreams. Still, it was hard to get over the feelings he'd felt in it, the moment he'd realized Jack was actually alive.

He'd felt happy, like all was right in the world. Like nothing bad could ever happen. But it was more than that. With JJ, Henry, 'Lizzie,' _and_ Jack he'd felt complete.

When he thought of the future—him, JJ, Henry and the new baby, no Jack—it was hard to reconcile that with how he'd felt in the dream. It was hard to think of this potential future as complete.

_What do I do? _he thought hopelessly. _How do I move on?_

Because that's what this was really about, moving on. He thought that that's what he'd been doing. With all his therapy sessions with Dr. Carson, living with JJ, interacting with Henry, and even going back to work. He'd thought that all meant that he'd come to terms with his son's death and that he was moving on. But now he knew he'd just been coping.

All that time and all he'd been doing was dealing with life day to day. And the moment he'd been presented with a possible future that did not include Jack, he'd freaked out. God, he was such an idiot. _Poor JJ._ Why she'd ever decided to give him the time of day was beyond him.

So, now that he knew that all he'd been doing was living in the here and now, what was he going to do?

Did he really want to live his life scared, waiting for the next tragedy to come? Like Dave had said, what would be the point to life? Or, did he want to choose to live the time he had, looking at each moment of happiness as a blessing, instead of one more step closer to death?

It was a hard choice to make. Life or Death? What was it going to be?

Hotch got out of bed, more than a little restless. Sleep was impossible now. He padded down the hall on bare feet and stopped before a closet. Reaching inside, he knew exactly what he needed.

Shutting the closet, he continued down the hall, opening the door that always remained closed. Before flicking on the light, he braced himself against the memories he was about to be bombarded with.

Because memories were all well and good, except when they weighed you down and didn't allow you to see the good that remained, the life that could be.

Hotch switched on the light. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the harsh glare. And then there they were, his memories in plain sight. Jack's toys, his soccer jersey, the little desk where he'd do his homework. Every inch of this room reminded him of his son.

And it was ok to remember, but it wasn't ok to be held back by them.

Sighing, he stepped into the room, placing the cardboard box on the bed.

It was time.

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><p>That's it for this chapter. We're definitely winding things down. Not many chapters left, 3 at most. I hope you enjoyed this one and that you'll let me know what you think. Thanks!<p>

Thanks to everyone who's been reading and alerting. And also thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: **cRiMiNaL . mInDs . ObSeSsIoN** _(there you go!);_ **tess01; jekkah; Guest #1; Guest #2; Bea; HotchRocks; Casie01; Christiangirl; SwimmingInTheRain; and AvngAngl.**

I'll try to update soon! See ya!


	22. Interlude

**A/N:** Hey everyone! It's been a while, I know. So sorry. I've been a bit busy with helping my sister plan her big 300+ guests wedding. Anyways, the time it's taken me to update this is the bad news. The good news, the wedding is this weekend and I can, hopefully, get back to some regular updating. Yay! So, I hope you enjoy this chapter with the promise of more to come soon! Thanks for reading!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 22: Interlude:**

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><p>"Have you called her yet?"<p>

Hotch shook his head at Dr. Carson, but she was busy writing away in her notepad to notice, so he said, "No."

She looked up then, pausing in her note-taking, her eyes wide with surprise behind her reading glasses.

"Aaron, what's holding you back? It's been—" she started, lifting her notepad up to eye level to read. "—over a week since Jennifer told you she was pregnant."

He sighed, looking down ashamedly. "I know."

It was hard to pinpoint the exact reason why he still hadn't phoned her. He missed her desperately, that much he did know.

After that night when he'd chosen life and began to clean out Jack's room, he'd had a session a day with Dr. Carson, needing her support in this new endeavor of moving on. She knew every step of his journey, including the fact that he hadn't seen or spoken to JJ since she'd told him about the baby. He'd even taken the week off work just so he didn't have to confront her.

He missed her, missed Henry. So, why hadn't he contacted her yet?

Confused, that was what he was. He had no idea what to say to her.

"You've come a long way, Aaron," Dr. Carson commented, seemingly changing the subject on him.

He nodded, going with it. He wouldn't say a _long_ way exactly, but he knew he wasn't anywhere close to the state he was in when he'd first started meeting with the doctor.

"The progress you've made, especially with packing up Jack's belongings is commendable," she continued. "I would say you're ready for whatever life brought you next. What would you say?"

Hotch pictured Jack's now bare room. All he'd left inside was the furniture, a framed school photograph of Jack, and his soccer jersey—he could not bear to pack it up yet. In his mind's eye, he also brought up the image of the large box that was currently sitting in his living room. The box he'd bought from the Babies "R" Us section of Toys "R" Us. A crib. If those two things didn't prove he was ready for the next step in his life, he wasn't sure what would.

"I think I'm ready," he offered up slowly.

She eyed him shrewdly. "Tell me what you're feeling, Aaron, about Jennifer, about the baby, about life in general."

"I love JJ," he said immediately, there was no question about that. "This week without her, without Henry has been… hell. I can't imagine a life without them in it. My days without them have been pretty empty."

He paused, thinking about how long and pointless each day has felt since JJ left.

"And the baby?"

_The baby… A boy or girl… My baby…_

He was still frightened by the prospect of being responsible for a new life. Losing Jack had been the worst thing to ever happen to him. The thing was, there was no guarantee that something like that would never happen again. That thought, of him going through this same pain all over again, it terrified him. But, it no longer paralyzed him.

Life would go on, that much he'd learned these past few months. Had to go on. Or else all there was was death. And, of course, there was no life in death.

"I'm scared," he confessed. "Terrified."

"Of the baby?"

He shook his head. "Of all the unknowns that come with a child."

"That's life," she stated simply.

"That it is," he agreed wholeheartedly.

"So, can you love this baby?" Dr. Carson wondered out loud. "As you do Jack, as you do Henry?"

The recurring dream he'd been having popped back into his head. The moment when he stared down at _his_ child in 'her' crib—before Jack arrives—all he felt in that instant was pure love.

And suddenly, he realized: "I already do."

Dr. Carson surprised him when a huge smile overtook her features. She took off her glasses and placed them and her notepad on the coffee table between them. "Aaron, I'm proud of you."

And he actually beamed back at her; he hadn't known how much her praise would mean to him until this moment. "Thank you."

"Now, make things right with Jennifer and I have no doubt that you'll have a happy life." She paused, holding up a finger at him. "It won't be easy, mind you—nothing ever is. But as long as you've got love in your heart and mind you won't be unhappy."

* * *

><p>Sitting on the floor in her apartment's spare bedroom, JJ tugged on a box, fighting to pull it out from deep inside the closet.<p>

She'd returned to her own apartment a few days ago after spending a couple day's at Will's. And, upon crossing the threshold of her place, she'd come to a sort of realization. That in the months she'd been staying with Hotch, this place had lost its title of home. It was a pretty depressing thought, considering she was currently estranged from Hotch and the place she'd come to think of as home.

Mentally speaking, she was homeless. _Oh God…_ she groaned to herself.

Her heart ached for him, to be back by his side. But, Hotch had yet to contact her.

JJ had tried to keep abreast of what was going on with him these past few days, but her main source of information had little to offer her. From Rossi, she knew that, just she had, he'd also taken some time off from work. And that Rossi believed Hotch was seeing Dr. Carson on a daily basis. That was about all he knew.

And she had decided against contacting him, choosing to respect his need for the space and time he needed to think things through. JJ loved him; nonetheless, she wasn't about to harass him into anything he didn't want to be a part of.

Even so, both Penelope and Dave, and even Will, told her constantly that Aaron would accept the baby and come back to her eventually. JJ chose to believe them because she knew he loved her and that he was a good man. Still, there was a niggling of fear in the back of her mind that would not let her fully relax.

"Mommy!" she heard Henry call out, interrupting her thoughts.

"In here, honey," she called back.

She'd left him playing in his bedroom. She loved that wherever he was—here, Hotch's or his dad's place—Henry could adapt and essentially stay happy.

While she waited for Henry to find her, she pulled the top of the box back to reveal its contents.

"Oh!" she breathed out, looking at the tiny blue onesie at the very top of the pile.

Tentatively, she reached for it, clutching it close to her chest as she thought back to the days Henry could fit into it. She brought the onesie to her nose, inhaling the baby-scent that lingered despite washing. It soothed her.

"Mommy, what are you doing?" Henry asked curiously. She looked up to see him standing in the doorway, a quizzical look on his face.

She smiled at him. He was always a welcome sight. "I'm looking at your old baby clothes." She held the blue item in front of her.

His eyes lit up just as his nose scrunched in disbelief. "That was mine?"

Still, he rushed forward, taking it from her hands to hold it against his body. "It's too small."

JJ laughed. She reached for him, hugging him and the onesie to her. "Of course it is, silly," she said, tickling him, savoring his laughter. "You're not a baby anymore. You're my big sweet boy."

He giggled and struggled out of her grasp to reface her. "Are you sad, mommy?"

She looked at him, confused. JJ tried hard to not let on how unhappy she was that she was here and Hotch was at his own place. "Why would you say that, Henry?"

"Your eyes are wet."

"Oh," she gasped out, realizing that tears had indeed welled up in her eyes. She guessed reminiscing about baby Henry had her feeling nostalgic. But in that moment she wasn't sad.

She shook her head. "No, I'm very happy. I'm so happy I have you." She poked his stomach, making him laugh.

Henry began to dig through the box, making a mess of the careful stacks she'd made once upon a time. She didn't care. He was delighted by the smallness of his things, fascinated.

"Why do you still have them?" he wondered out loud.

The question caught her off guard. "Because these were your first things ever, sweetheart."

He nodded, accepting the incomplete answer. It wasn't the whole truth. She'd kept them because she'd known she wanted another baby someday. And just as she'd hoped, in a few months' time she'd have that wish.

JJ looked to Henry. Maybe it was time to tell him. After all, she wouldn't be able to hide it much longer. JJ could already feel her clothes beginning to stretch around her curves.

Yes. It was time to tell him.

"Henry, sweetheart, how would you feel about—" she began, spur of the moment like, only to be cut off by the sound of the doorbell.

She frowned. She wasn't expecting anyone. "Hold that thought," she murmured to herself.

JJ groaned as she got to her aching legs, throbbing from either being pregnant, or sitting on the floor, or quite possibly both.

She wasn't expecting anyone, but she hoped it would be one person in particular. Hoped hard. To the point that when she opened the door to reveal Rossi, he read her disappointment easily.

"Sorry, sweetheart," he apologized. She shook her head to clear it and let him know she was all right, even as tears threatened to make her a liar. "Can I come in?"

JJ held the door wide open for him. He strolled inside and she used the moment her back was to him to compose herself. When she turned back around to face him, it was with a huge smile plastered to her face. However, she let it wane a bit when it was clear that she wasn't fooling anyone.

"How are you, Dave?" she asked politely.

"I'm fine, would be better if I had a full team to work with, but we're managing."

She knew he didn't comment on work to guilt her. He was always honest with her. Only stating the truth. She liked that. With Dave she really knew where things stood. Garcia was a sweetheart, but her brand of comfort involved copious amounts of hot chocolate and an array of Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Johnny Depp movies.

"Henry here?"

She nodded. "Yes. He's going through his old baby clothes."

Rossi raised an eyebrow at that, but didn't comment on it. "Have you heard from Hotch yet?"

JJ sighed, shaking her head sadly. "Not yet. You?"

He too shook his head, but for an instant she saw a flash of indecision in the older man's eyes. He knew something.

"What?" she asked frantically. "What is it?"

"I…" he began, clearly hesitating. "There was a purchase… on his credit card that made me think he would have contacted you already."

"You're having Garcia track his movements?" she asked, incredulous.

"Hey," he said, putting his hands up in a so-sue-me gesture. "You're not the only one he's frozen out. This is my way of checking up on him. I need to know he's ok, you know?"

She nodded her head. "I know… So, what was the purchase?"

He frowned, looking tight-lipped all of the sudden. "I don't think I want to say. It might get your hopes up."

Now she was curious _and_ frustrated. "You can't do that, Dave. Hint at… something, and then say nothing. Besides, I'll always have hope. Aaron _will_ come back to me."

The frown disappeared from Rossi's face, only to be replaced with a resigned look. He knew she was right. He took a seat on the couch, tension making his shoulder's stiff despite his resignation. "You're right."

She took the seat across from him, waiting for more. What she said was true, she would always have hope. But it would be nice to have some form of confirmation.

"So?" she prompted.

"He bought a crib," he said bluntly.

"A… crib?" she echoed unsurely. "A baby's crib?"

"Yes."

Hotch had bought something for their baby. Not just any something, a piece of furniture essential to an infant's comfort. This was… huge!

"See," Rossi said accusingly. "Hope's up."

She shook her head from the wonder-induced daze she'd instantly fallen into, but couldn't quite shake the excitement she felt. "This is big, Dave! How can I not hope harder? He bought our baby a crib!"

"He bought it _three_ days ago."

"Oh." Her face fell as that thought settled in.

"Hey, hey, I'm not telling you that to stop you from hoping. I'm only saying that I think he still needs time."

"Yeah, yeah…" she said, voice trailing off. She knew that, knew that even before Rossi revealed this new tidbit. Still, the fact that he'd bought it had to mean he was on the road to accepting the baby, right? So, why hadn't he contacted her yet?

_Time. He needs time_, she silently chanted to herself.

Silence fell between them, JJ reminding herself to be patient with the man she loved and Rossi watching her with a considering eye.

"Is there anything else?" she asked abruptly. She knew she was being rude, but she was tired of pretending none of this was getting to her. Tired of being the stronger person. At this precise moment, she needed someone to lean on. She needed Hotch.

"Yeah," he answered, eyeing her carefully. "How are _you_, JJ? Are you taking care of yourself? If you need anything, you know the team and Will are just a phone call away."

She sighed, letting her frustration seep out with the sound. "I'm hanging in there, Dave. I'll be a lot better when Aaron accepts this baby."

"He will," he assured, reaching across to pat her knee. "In the meantime, I brought some groceries with me. Why don't I bring them up and we can whip up some dinner for you and the little guy."

"Oh no, Dave, you don't have to," she protested.

"I want to."

She smiled, secretly glad for the company. "All right. Thank you."

* * *

><p>Well that's it for this chapter. I hope to have an update up much sooner. A big thank you to everyone who's been reading and have been patiently waiting for updates. You guys are awesome!<p>

Thanks, also, to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: **beaglelover719** _(lol. I did win. This is the most emotionally traumatizing story I've ever written. So, don't worry, it's not just you who needs to watch something happy after. Thanks for the reviews!)_; **Christiangirl; jekkah** (_at least the tears were in your living room and not at work, right? :) );_ **GottaLoveCM; and HotchRocks** _(Nope not abandoned, I'm just an extremely bad updater who had what little time to even think of updating taken away these past few months.)._

Hope you enjoyed!


	23. Reconciliation

**A/N:** Um… hi. No, don't shoot me… Please! Lol. I'm so sorry for the super long time it's taken me to update. I've had like zero time to myself lately and when I do have a moment alone the muse goes into hiding. It's like she's afraid of me or something… (_no, I'm not going to kill off another character, muse… at least, I don't think I am…_). Anyways, the wonderful jekkah encouraged me to give outlining all of my unfinished fics a try. This is the only one I managed to do (lol). And because of her encouragement, it now has an end in sight. Yay! Which means quicker updates. Double yay!

Anyways, enough of my rambling… Hope you enjoy this latest installment.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 23: Reconciliation:**

* * *

><p>JJ glanced at her watch as she headed into the living room, coming from her bedroom. Noting the time, she knew she still had some time until she had to leave to pick up Henry from school.<p>

_What to do?_ she thought, her eyes darting around distractedly. She had to keep busy; keeping busy meant she didn't have time to dwell on the imperfectness of certain situations. At the same time, though, her need to keep busy had her running on the exhausted side. Not good for the baby…

_Relax, JJ, don't think, just rest…_ she told herself.

So, she plopped herself onto the couch, threw her feet up on the coffee table in front of her, and attempted to take her own advice.

The T.V.'s remote sat beside her. _Yeah, some mindless TV show should do the trick!_

Turning on the television, she began to flip through the channels. Nothing was on. She sighed and tossed the remote aside dejectedly. Instead, seeing the iPad on the table, she reached for it, deciding to catch up on some shows on Netflix. But that didn't hold her attention either. It, too, was tossed aside.

JJ was restless. It had become a common theme of the past week. Restlessness and boredom. Only Henry broke through the monotony.

Her little boy was the highlight of her day. JJ had taken over Hotch's pick-up duty this past week while she was off work. To keep things consistent for their son, JJ and Will had agreed that JJ would continue to keep Henry with her until Will's shift was over and could take him home for dinner. A couple of times, they just all had dinner together.

It was nice, normal, but strange at the same time, all of them having dinner together again, like old times. It reminded her of why she and Will could get along so well, even after their break up. They were friends, good friends. It was the reason they weren't together anymore, because somewhere in the midst of their relationship, JJ had realized she just didn't love Will anymore, not in that way, at least.

JJ knew who she loved.

_Hotch,_ she thought, cravingly. She ached for him, missed him. He was the reason she kept busy every minute she could. Thinking about him, alone, without her, dealing with her revelation, frightened her. She wanted to be with him so much it hurt. But, she also wanted him by her side for selfish reasons. JJ missed his company, missed his touch, his kisses, the way he just held her.

She sighed deeply, a wave of melancholy threatening to take over. _Enough of that,_ she urged herself.

JJ stood up. It was still early, but she'd go to the school. Get a spot right in front of the doors. Watch the schools doors for its comings and goings. Whatever. She just couldn't sit here anymore. Sitting idly in front of the school would be better than sitting in her silent apartment alone.

That settled, she grabbed her keys and headed for the door.

Swinging the door wide open, JJ stopped short of stepping foot outside, because there, standing right in front of her, was Hotch. She gasped in surprise, drawing his attention. He had his hand up, poised to knock; he looked back at her with wide eyes. She'd definitely startled him, too.

"Aaron," she whispered, afraid any loud noise would suddenly dissipate this much-wanted apparition.

"Hello, JJ," he said, looking and sounding sheepish. He attempted a smile, but it came off as a grimace. She didn't blame him, whatever he'd come to do or say couldn't be easy for him. Still, it was so good to see him. Hope bloomed in her chest like never before, she couldn't help it.

_This is a good sign,_ she told herself, _isn't it?_

"Can I come in?" he questioned.

She opened her mouth to utter the words, "Of course," but only a squeak came out. She held the door wide open nonetheless.

Instead of walking right in, he bent down to haul a medium-sized box off the ground next to him. JJ hadn't noticed it right away, but there was no mistaking it. It was the crib Rossi had told her about.

_Oh my…_ JJ silently thought. Her heart throbbed for him. _Could he… Is this—_

She stopped that train of thought abruptly, not wanting to get ahead of herself. He had yet to say a word as to why he was here, JJ reminded herself. For all she knew, the crib was just a parting gift and he was here to say his goodbyes.

Her heart nearly broke at that idea.

JJ shook herself into the here and now, following Aaron into her apartment. He set the box on her coffee table and then turned to face her.

Hotch opened his mouth once, twice, then nothing. After the false starts, he took a deep breath and then, finally, words were uttered, "JJ, I—" only to stop abruptly.

JJ gave him a quizzical look. She watched him watch her unsurely. He looked good at least. In the back of her mind, she'd feared that he'd falter without her, like he had after she'd gone back to work after Jack's death. But he looked healthy, vibrant. She was pleased.

But still, she had no idea why he was here. And her anxiety was mounting by the second.

He opened his mouth at the exact moment she decided to open hers to prompt him.

"Hotch—" She stopped, hoping he'd go on. But his lips formed a tight, grim line. And once again, he was saying nothing.

They descended into silence again, frustrating her beyond belief.

A look of tenderness came upon his face, then. He knew what this was doing to her and he wanted to comfort her, he wanted to reach for her, but wouldn't. Couldn't?

And that was the last straw. If he wouldn't talk, she would.

She would blame it on stress, the tension, or hormones later. But at the moment, she was just done.

"I'm sorry, Aaron, I really am."

"JJ, I—"

Nah uh, once she'd started she couldn't stop. She cut off whatever he was about to say.

"_No._ I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to rush you into anything you weren't ready for. But I am, I'm ready. And I'm going to have this baby. I'm going to raise it and love it with all my heart. I'd like you by my side; I don't want to do it alone. But I will.

"I want this! And I understand if you don't. I need to know either way.

"I won't hold you to anything, Aaron. I can promise you that, at least."

She paused, taking a deep breath.

There she'd done it. She just couldn't live in limbo anymore. He could have it all—her, Henry, the new baby—or none of it. JJ hated making it so black or white, but for her sanity, for Henry's sake, and the new baby's too, she couldn't live with Aaron's one foot inside the door. He needed to make a choice.

And he needed to make it now.

* * *

><p><em>What the hell am I doing? I'm such an idiot.<em>

The more time he stood there, quiet, dumb, the more Hotch could see JJ beginning to pull away. Distancing herself. She loved him—there was no question about that—but self-preservation was kicking in and he couldn't blame her. Too be honest, he wasn't helping matters. If he lost her now it was on him. It would be all _his_ fault.

_Say _something_, idiot_, he scolded himself. _Tell her. Let her know. You want what she wants. You want it all! JJ, the baby, Henry. Everything. Tell her!_

"JJ, I—" he began, uttering the same words for the third time since he arrived. And once again he stopped.

What was wrong with him? This wasn't how he'd planned for things to go. He'd had a speech prepared. He was going to be eloquent and concise, convincing as to why she should take him back. Right now, the way he watched her mutely, he wouldn't even take himself back.

Hoping to salvage the moment, he rushed his next words. "Sorry, JJ, sorry… I want this."

She crossed her arms over her chest, shifting from food to foot. "What do you want?" she asked suspiciously.

Her eyes narrowed at him. Despite telling him that she understood what he was going through, understood if he couldn't be with them, he could see the extreme hurt he'd caused her, plain as day written all over her face. Her trust too was wavering in him. After all, how could you trust someone who hurt you so badly?

Hotch needed to win her back. Somehow…

"I'm ready. I want this. I want this baby, JJ," he said quickly. She gasped, a hand going to her trembling lips. Still, he could see the hesitancy in her eyes. _More._ He needed to say more. He needed to prove it to her. _The crib!_ That's why he'd brought it with him. He turned to it, waving a hand over it.

"I bought this for you! For the baby, JJ!" he said. "I need you to know, I'm ready."

"It's just a crib, Aaron. A baby needs a lot more. It needs to know it's loved. Unconditionally. It needs it's parents to really, really want it."

Tears glistened in her beautiful, blue eyes. He'd done so much damage. Words wouldn't be enough.

Hotch closed the distance between them. He took her hands in his, but she wouldn't meet his eyes.

Hotch took a great big breath and began. Speaking straight from his heart. "I think it's going to be a girl. I don't know why, I just have this feeling. I've dreamed of her, at least. Lizzie, Georgia, or Olivia…" He tentatively touched her slightly protruding stomach; he felt her shiver under his touch. She looked up into his eyes then. He had her attention now.

"I could be totally wrong. It wouldn't be the first time—" He chuckled self-deprecatingly and she gave him a small smile in return. That smile gave him hope. "If it is a boy, I'd be very happy too, don't get me wrong.

"But I can see it, JJ. You, me, Henry, and this little one. A life. We'll be a family, JJ.

"Jack will always be a part of our lives; I was wrong to use him as an excuse to hold back. My son should be an example of why I should move forward."

"Oh, Aaron," JJ whispered, reaching a hand to tenderly brush across his face.

He leaned into her touch as he finished with, "I want all of you, JJ. Every part of you. I want to be a family again. If you'll have me."

He held his breath, awaiting her answer. Emotions ran rampant on her face. But most prominent of all was the love she had for him.

Suddenly, JJ's arms wound around his neck. And he found himself pulled into a bone-crushing embrace. "Yes! Yes, I'll have you. This is… It's all I've ever wanted, Aaron. Thank you, Thank you."

She held him for a few more moments, then pulled back so she could look him in the eye.

He'd made her happy. Good. That's all he wanted.

Scratch that. All he wanted was his family to be happy.

As if reading his mind, she asked, "This will make you happy?"

"Beyond words."

And no more words were uttered, coincidentally, as they shared a long, overdue kiss.

* * *

><p>That's it for this chapter. I've finished writing the rest and now know how will this end (no, this wasn't the end; more happiness to ensue, stay tuned). There will be 2 more chapters after this.<p>

Thanks to everyone who's been reading and waiting patiently for the next update. Also, thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: **Ju Fonseca; jekkah + Guest; tiggerdavis1970; GottaLoveCM; BAUMember; 1029; Christangirl; jaceyb1; HotchRocks** _(thank you, the wedding went very well);_ **and sez101** _(It does, eventually. But there's a lot of sadness to it too)._

Hope you enjoyed! I should have an update up soon (since all I have to do is type it up; theoretically I could have it up as soon as tomorrow… but probably not, Dancing With the Stars premieres tomorrow night, lol).

See you all soon!


	24. Life

**A/N:** Hey guys! As promised, here's the second to last chapter. Hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 24: Life:**

* * *

><p>"We're going out tonight," he heard JJ say over the line. She sounded so excited.<p>

"No, no," he protested. "It'll be too late. You'll be too tired."

"Aaron," JJ said in her no-nonsense voice. "We _are_ going out tonight. And _we_ will be celebrating your promotion." She didn't say it, but he thought 'End of story' was implied. "All right?" she asked, probably as an afterthought.

"All right," he agreed; he knew better than to argue with any seriousness with his almost eight-month pregnant girlfriend.

Besides, he would be happy to spend some time alone with JJ, even if it was in a public place. Ever since they'd officially announced the pregnancy they'd had visitors galore: JJ's mother, her father, even his brother, Sean, had all come for a visit. Separately, of course, but still…

And Garcia was practically always over, by herself or with one of the other BAU team members. They had Rossi over for dinner—and by over, meaning he cooked for them—at least twice a week.

It was a strange and very public time in their lives. And Hotch loved every minute of it. _But_, he could use some time alone with JJ that was for sure.

And if his promotion to Unit Chief of the FBI's Organized Crime Unit would give them that, then he was all for celebrating.

"Great!" JJ was saying. "I'll let the other's know."

"The other's?" he repeated, frowning slightly.

"_Yeah._ The whole team is happy for you, Aaron," she elaborated with a bit of warning in her tone. "I've made reservations at the Grill for twelve of us."

"Twelve?" he said in alarm.

"The old team, plus Ashley, Jordan, Will, Kevin and Erin," she said as if it were obvious.

"Ok…" he drew out. There was nothing he could actually say to that. Nothing that would be heard, that is.

"Ok," she finished concisely. "We'll see you later."

He said his goodbyes and hung up the phone in his new office.

Even though that conversation hadn't exactly gone the way he'd wanted it to, he smiled happily. Things were going great for him. Better then great. Life was bliss, if a little changed.

He'd found, over time, that his passion for going after un-subs had diminished. He never went back to the BAU. Rossi had taken over as interim Unit Chief in his initial absence. But the permanent role eventually went to Morgan, a good choice considering his recent experience.

Morgan had brought back the position of media liaison. And rather than JJ taking on that role once again, Morgan offered it to a toughed-up Jordan Todd. JJ would be going on maternity leave any day now, so the newer Bureau recruit, Ashley Seaver—whom Hotch and Rossi knew from when she was a child—was training to temporarily take JJ's profiler position.

The BAU was thriving regardless of all the comings and goings.

As for him, well, he wasn't a direct part of the day to day for the BAU, but he was only a floor down from the team. So, he still saw them plenty, both during and outside of work. They would forever be more than just his co-workers, though. Rossi, Garcia, Morgan, Reid, and Emily were his family.

He sighed, closing up his lap-top. A family he'd be seeing tonight, apparently.

Hotch glanced at his desk clock. It was time to make the rounds with this new team, see where everyone was at with their various assignments, before he was off to pick up Henry.

* * *

><p>JJ sighed contently as she hung up the phone. Life was good, she couldn't help but think.<p>

"Aaron?"

She looked up to see that sometime during her conversation with Hotch, Rossi had joined her. He'd taken the seat across from her.

"Yeah," she murmured, a smile tugging on her lips as she remembered how she hadn't let him get a word in edgewise and how Aaron seemed totally fine with that.

"Things are good between you two."

It was a statement more than a question. Still she felt the need to answer. "Better than good, things are perfect," she said. Then she started to look around.

"What are you looking for, JJ?" Rossi questioned, amusement in his tone.

"Wood," she replied. "I don't want to jinx it."

After a moment, she felt Rossi's hand on her arm, giving it a squeeze, regaining her attention. "Honey, there's no need… Since when did you become so superstitious?"

She sat back in the chair, attempting to relax and get comfortable—a mostly foreign concept these days in her gigantic state. He was right, she wasn't superstitious. Still…

"Things have been going so well, Dave. He's accepted this baby so completely. You know he's pretty much put the nursery together himself. Bought everything we'll need for when the baby comes.

"Not to mention how close he and Henry have gotten. He considers Aaron his second dad.

"And now this promotion… things couldn't be better."

Rossi nodded. "Sounds like it. Be happy, JJ. Embrace it. God knows life has its ups and downs. Don't live in fear of the downs. Aaron almost lost you because he was afraid. Learn from his mistakes. Move forward and know that whatever comes, you've got each other now."

JJ swallowed a lump that suddenly formed in her throat. Her eyes were misty. She fully blamed the hormones for making her so emotional. "You're right," she conceded. "I'm just… unbelievably happy right now."

He patted her hand and sat back in his seat. "You deserve it, JJ."

She smiled. "Thank yo—" she started but a twinge in her belly cut her off. "Oh!"

"You all right?" Rossi asked quickly, frowning in concern.

JJ took a deep breath, counting through the pain. And then it passed. She blew out a breath. "Yeah… A cramp, I think."

Still frowning, her friend said, "Maybe you should see a doctor when we land. Just in case. We can celebrate Aaron's promotion another time."

"Aaron would like that," she scoffed. "No. I feel fine, Dave. Don't worry."

And she did, really. Whatever it had been had passed.

Rossi still watched her dubiously. "I'm fine, really."

He nodded once, but she noticed his gaze didn't stray far from her the rest of the flight.

* * *

><p>"To Aaron," Rossi toasted. "May he intimidate his new employees with the Hotch-glare as he did us."<p>

JJ chuckled along with the rest of the table. She took a sip of her sparkling water and nearly spit it out. Instead, it went down the wrong pipe, making her cough. The coughing fit didn't help the pain in her abdomen—what had initially caused her to choke on her water.

"JJ?" Aaron said worriedly.

All eyes were on her; but it was a particular pair that pierced her the most that had her saying quickly, "I'm all right. Wrong pipe." She had to grit it out because, unlike the time before, the sudden pain didn't seem to be dissipating. If anything, it was getting worse.

"Uh… I'm going to use the washroom," she added, excusing herself.

On shaky legs, she made her way to the washroom. The door swung open and she was glad to see it was empty. She didn't need any stranger's well-meaning concern right then. Working through the pain, she made it to the sink basin and she gripped its edges as another wave of pain crashed through her petite body.

It almost felt like—

"No," she said out loud. She forced herself to look up into the mirror. She looked terrified and her face was dripping with sweat. Still, she refused to believe something was wrong.

JJ turned on the tap and proceeded to splash cool water on her face. That's when she felt it, something wet between her legs. She stared into the mirror. Her face had lost all color. That's because she didn't think she'd splashed herself with water.

Forcing herself to look down, she was slightly relieved to see that her water had not broken. But if it wasn't that, then…

JJ hurried into a stall, barely shutting the door behind her before she was lifting her skirt up. Awkwardly, she shimmied her panties down her legs, to a distance where she could see them over her prominent belly. She froze at the sight.

Blood.

"Oh God," she moaned, just as another bout of pain coursed through her, bringing her to her knees. There was no doubt in her mind now.

"Sweet pea?"

_Garcia! Thank God!_

"Penelope!" she called out, voice quivering. "There's blood. Oh God… I think I'm in labor."

* * *

><p>Hotch hovered outside the women's washroom, waiting. When Dave had suggested Garcia go after JJ, he knew something was up. He'd followed his former technical assistant thirty seconds after. He was fully ready to look silly—he hoped—when they both came out fine. But minutes passed and nothing.<p>

Just as he was ready to burst in there, the door swung open an inch and then shut again. And then it opened a foot. As if someone was struggling to open it.

He didn't care what it looked like, something was wrong, he knew it. Hotch pushed the door open a bit and called, "JJ? Garcia?"

"Hotch!" came Garcia's voice. "Help!"

That's all he needed. He pushed it open and found Penelope holding up his girlfriend.

JJ looked pale and out of it. Her face was contorted in pain. And it was clear to him that Garcia was the only thing keeping her upright.

"Hotch! Please, I can't—" Garcia urged.

Shaking himself out of his frozen moment, he rushed forward and scooped the woman he loved into his arms.

"Aar… Aaron?" JJ murmured.

He looked to Garcia for answers. "What happened?"

"I found her… in the stall on the floor. There's blood," she said frantically. "We need to get her to the hospital."

"Hospital," he echoed dumbly. He looked back down at JJ, writhing in pain in his arms. Yes, she most certainly needed a doctor. But a hospital? The hospital was where he'd lost Jack. He couldn't lose JJ and the baby, too.

He didn't realize he was shaking his head, until he felt Garcia's hand on his shoulder and heard her saying, "Yes, Aaron, the hospital. Look at me. Look at me!" she said more forcefully, patting his cheek. He looked up at the tech-whiz. Garcia looked so scared. "She's in labor. She needs the hospital."

Hotch looked back at JJ. Oh God. What was he doing? Of course she needed a hospital.

"Let's go," he said determinedly.

* * *

><p>Hotch sat in the waiting room, his foot twitching against the tiled floor.<p>

After getting over his hospital fright, he'd driven himself and JJ to the hospital in record time, unashamedly using his sirens to get him through every intersection.

They'd admitted JJ right away and her doctor was now with her, but they'd barred him from the room as they raced to figure out what was going on. So that left him sitting, worriedly thinking through every possible circumstance. Most of them bad.

He'd been joined by Rossi and Garcia. The rest of the team, too. But Hotch didn't much notice them. He was too busy praying.

Praying for JJ.

Praying for the baby.

Praying for strength for himself. So he wouldn't falter again. So he wouldn't fail his family.

"Mr. Hotchner?" someone called his name.

He looked up to see a woman in scrubs standing there, looking around the room.

"Yes?" he stood up quickly.

The woman gave him a polite smile. "Hello. I'm Dr. Chastko. We've managed to stop the pre-term labor with a tocolytic agent. But we've also given her a steroid that will help speed up the infant's lung development just in case she goes into labor again soon. She's resting comfortably now, if you'd like to see her."

He shook his head in a daze. "Pre-term labor? Lung development?"

Hotch was so confused. _What just happened?_

"I'm sorry. Let me try again," Dr. Chastko said kindly.

She went into a more in-depth explanation of how JJ had indeed gone into labor. Pre-term labor to be precise since she wasn't even close to thirty-seven weeks. No one knew the exact cause of early labor. But she rattled off some likely culprits, including infection, high blood pressure, and stress. None of which were confirmed in JJ. They gave her a drug that relaxed her contracting muscles and stopped labor. But it was no guarantee that it would stop it completely. So, to make sure they were prepared for a premature birth, they'd given JJ a steroid that was supposed to speed the baby's lung development along. Finally, she told him that while not proven to help one-hundred percent, bed rest was JJ's best bet for the remainder of the pregnancy.

"It's a lot to take in," the doctor finished. "But one thing to take away from this: no one thing JJ has done has contributed to this. At the end of the day we're just not sure what causes a woman to go into labor prematurely."

He nodded. "Thank you, Doctor."

All he cared about right now was the fact that JJ and the baby were all right.

"I can go see her?"

"Of course, this way."

* * *

><p>JJ lay back in bed, feeling drowsy, a side effect of the medication they'd given her to stop labor. Still she had enough strength to cradle her belly protectively. She thanked God a million times. Her baby was ok. Would be ok, the doctor assured her.<p>

She had no idea what she would have done if it were otherwise.

"JJ?"

At the sound of her name, she looked up to see Aaron standing in her room's doorway gazing at her hesitantly.

"Oh, Aaron, I'm so sorry," she said, tearing up.

He rushed to her side, looking stricken. "Shh… JJ, shh…" he attempted to comfort her. He leaned forward to kiss her forehead. She closed her eyes, savoring his touch. Tears squeezed from the corners of her eyes and he brushed them away. "This isn't your fault, sweetheart. And you're all right. You're both going to be fine. Don't worry."

"It is my fault," she lamented. "I… I felt some cramping on the plane back. I should have taken Rossi's advice and gone to a doctor. I'm sorry."

He took her hands in his, bringing them to his lips. He placed a kiss on each. "JJ, honey, you couldn't have known. Don't blame yourself, all right?"

She let out a sigh. Not saying that she wouldn't; she had something else to apologize for anyways. "I'm sorry for putting you through this again."

"Again?" he questioned, perplexed.

"This," she said, nodding and waving her hand around to indicate the hospital. "The hospital. Rushing you here. Scaring you all over again. I'm sorry. I thought that the next time you stepped inside a hospital it would be for a happy occasion. Not like with—"

She stopped abruptly, realizing she was putting her foot in it.

"Jack," he finished for her.

She looked at her still large belly, ashamed.

"Hey, hey, I'm ok," he said quickly. "Granted, I did freeze for a second there. And _I'm_ sorry for that. But we're here, we've made it through. You're both all right. As far as I'm concerned this is a happy occasion. You've got nothing to apologize for."

She gave him a wry look. "Can I at least apologize for ruining your celebratory dinner?"

He chuckled. "Yes. That you can make up to me by giving me the pleasure of your company on a daily basis for at least the next two months."

"Bed rest," she said disgustedly.

Hotch laughed. "Bed rest," he confirmed.

"It's a small price to pay for the health of the baby," she conceded. "I guess I can endure your company, too."

"Endure, huh?" he replied, amused.

"Oh yeah, endure. You're totally going to hover. And I'm going to get annoyed," she predicted the future. "I'm going to send you on insane craving hunts to get a minute alone. You're going to go. Cause you're awesome."

"I am," he agreed.

"While you're hunting, I'm going to be counting every minute till you return. Because I'll miss you like crazy. And when you do, we'll go through the same process again and again until this baby is born."

"You've got it all figured out."

She nodded. "I do. And I'm going to love every minute of it."

"Me too."

JJ breathed out all the pent up tension in her body. "God, I love you."

Hotch smiled. "I love you, too. I'm so happy you're all right."

"Same. I was so scared."

He kissed her. "Everything's going to be all right."

"I know.

* * *

><p>Done. One more chapter to go, guys. I'm so excited and sad at the same time. Excited to have one less story to update, but sad to see it end, nonetheless. Lol.<p>

Just a quick note: Sorry for butchering any of the medial stuff. I tried researching pre-term labor. But, I am no expert for sure. So, if you see anything ify about it, it's all me.

Anyways, thanks for reading. And thanks to my reviewers: **jekkah; Guest; HotchRocks; and Christiangirl.**

Oh and forgot to mention this last chapter. Part of the reason updates have been slow is because I was spending a good chunk of my time helping to organize and run the 2014 Profiler's Choice Awards. They're complete now. Winners have been chosen. If you're interested in taking a look at some great stories, there's a link in my profile to all the winners and nominees.

Thanks for reading. I'll be back with the last chapter soon.


	25. Happiness

**A/N:** Hey again! Here is the last and final chapter. I decided to separate it into chapter and epilogue, but don't worry, both are included below. I hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Criminal Minds.

**Chapter 25: Happiness:**

* * *

><p>JJ breathed through the next contraction, at the same time trying to stay lucid enough to count. She didn't think she was mistaken; the contractions were getting closer and closer together. At this rate, she wasn't sure she could hold out until Hotch's return.<p>

_How long does it take to drive into D.C. and back;_ _really now?_ she thought, momentarily annoyed and forgetting for a second that _she_ was the one who'd sent Aaron into the city for the only Foie gras poutine she knew of in town. The baby wanted what it wanted, after all…

Now, because of her cravings, she was home alone and very much in labor. She guessed she could call Garcia or Rossi—she didn't think they were on a case. Her absolute last resort would be Will. He lived close by, now that she and Hotch had bought a house in his area; to be closer Henry, of course. But was it selfish of her to want the father of _this_ child and the man she loved to be the one by her side?

She let out a sigh. Yes, yes it was. Though the rest of her pregnancy had been uneventful ever since her preterm labor scare, she still couldn't and wouldn't risk the health of her unborn child.

So, JJ waited out her next contraction, gritting her teeth through it, before reaching for the phone on the nightstand next to her bed. She had just dialled Garcia's number when she heard the front door open and close. She hung up immediately.

"Aaron!" she called.

A few moments later, he strolled into their bedroom, a grin on his face. He held up a large paper bag. "Success! You wouldn't believe—What's wrong?" His grin faded into a frown as he noted her obvious distress.

"The baby," she gritted out, "is coming."

That got the ball rolling. "Oh boy," Hotch exclaimed. He rushed around the room, gathering all the things they'd planned to take with them to the hospital. And then, incredibly, Hotch left the room.

A mere second later, she heard the door open and shut once again.

He'd left her.

JJ leaned back on one arm, cradling her heavy belly with the other as she waited for Aaron to realize his mistake.

It didn't take long. Though, she did hear the car start before she heard him come back inside. Rushed footsteps were heard and then a sheepish looking Aaron reappeared.

"Sorry," he murmured.

She waved a hand in the air, brushing it off. And with that Aaron was at her side, guiding her out of the room.

This was it. Baby time.

* * *

><p>Hotch stared at the tiny wonder cradled in his arms. All six pounds, ten ounces of his new baby girl. Her dark hair was covered with a pink cap. And her eyes were firmly shut; she was as exhausted as her mother. But he knew that her eyes were also as blue as JJ's. She'd come into this world hours ago, eyes-wide-open, ready to take on whatever came.<p>

Even though she was small, the doctor's had given her a clean bill of health.

Her swollen pink eyelids fluttered; a moment later big baby blues stared up at him. He chuckled lowly. Hotch had a feeling that there would be many sleepless nights with this one. Not even three hours old and she was already defying the belief that newborn's sleep all day.

Nah, his precocious little one was born ready to live life.

"Hey, baby girl," he whispered, chancing a glance at JJ to make sure he hadn't disturbed her much deserved slumber. She didn't stir and he watched her fondly for a few moments more. God, he loved her so much. He had to be the luckiest man on Earth.

His daughter, still yet to be named, gurgled lightly, regaining his attention. A little arm swung up at him. She'd been swaddled up tight and yet her little hand had still managed escape.

"You, my sweet little girl," he started as he put his finger into her tiny hand, letting her grip it tightly. "Are going to be quite the handful, I think."

He smiled. Hotch couldn't wait for it all. _Bring it on,_ he thought. _Bring it all on._ He didn't plan to miss a single moment of her growing up. With Jack, he'd missed—or watched through videos—many of his son's firsts. That wouldn't be happening with this angel.

A twinge of sadness hit him as he thought of his little boy. It'd been over a year since Jack's passing, but it still hurt—would always hurt, he thought—to think of Jack as gone. It stung pretty fiercely knowing Jack would never meet his baby sister.

"He's watching over her, you know."

Startled, he looked from the baby to see that JJ had awoken. She'd turned onto her side to watch them; unshed tears glistened in her eyes.

"How are you feeling, sweetheart?" he asked.

She ignored his question and said instead, "Jack's watching out for her. He's her guardian angel."

He smiled that sad smile he got when he thought of his son. Still, he liked the sound of that. "Yes, he is," he agreed readily. He kissed his daughter's forehead. "Would you like to hold her?"

JJ grinned brightly. "Gimme."

He laughed happily, sad moment over, as he handed the baby over to her mother.

Hotch would forever remember Jack. Would forever love his little boy. But there was no turning back time. And no time to mull over regrets.

This was him moving forward. This was him embracing happiness.

* * *

><p><span><strong>Epilogue:<strong>

* * *

><p>"Welcome home!" a chorus of voices gushed as JJ and Hotch entered their home. A home full of visitors.<p>

JJ had her daughter in her arms and was first to step over the threshold. Hotch was right behind her.

She smiled as her eyes skimmed over their friends and family gathered in the foyer of their home, all eager to catch a glimpse of baby girl Hotchner-Jareau.

"Ooh!" Garcia cooed, of course first to push through the group. "She's beautiful!" And just like that her daughter was snatched from her arms.

The kidnapping of her baby gave JJ a chance to take off her coat and properly greet her son.

Hotch raised Henry in his arms and JJ kissed her son's cheek. "Hey baby-boy," she said affectionately, smoothing down his unruly blonde hair. "How are you doing?"

"Good," he said, giggling. "Is that my new sister?"

"That she is," Hotch confirmed. They watched as Garcia entered the living room and all their friends followed, leaving him and JJ forgotten, the baby the obvious star of the show. "And if we can get her back from your aunt Penelope, you'll get a turn to hold her too. Would you like that?"

He gave a big nod. JJ through Hotch a grateful smile, loving him all the more for how much he obviously loved her little boy.

Hotch let Henry down and the three of them followed the massive group into the living room.

The arm-chair was vacated immediately, and JJ was urged to take a seat there. The baby made its way back into JJ's arms and Hotch perched on the arm-rest next to her, at the ready for whatever JJ or the baby needed.

"So," Rossi started. "Don't leave us all in suspense. What did you decide on calling this little one?"

"Other than gorgeous, obviously," Garcia crooned to the baby; she'd planted herself firmly at JJ's other side.

JJ looked up at Hotch. They shared a bittersweet look and she nodded for him to go on. He could have the honor of announcing their baby girl's name.

He reached down, placing his finger at the mercy of the baby's grasp—he'd never get tired of that. Smiling at his miracle, he looked up as he said, "Everyone, I'd like you to meet Rosalie Jax Hotchner-Jareau."

An audible gasp went around the room. And JJ confirmed for them all, "Rosalie after my big sister Roaslyn, Rosalie's aunt."

"And Jax after her big brother, Jack," Hotch finished.

Silence filled the room as their friends took in the news. Solemn smiles appeared on all their faces. They seemed to like it.

Hotch knew he didn't have to explain, but he felt the need to add an addendum. "We feel that, even though our loved ones are gone, it doesn't mean they aren't still a part of our lives. We named Rosalie after her aunt and brother to honor them. Because without them I don't think we'd have gotten to this point in our lives."

Hotch looked down at her uncertainly, but JJ nodded her agreement. "That's right. We also wouldn't be here without any of you either," JJ addressed the entire room.

"Thank you for all your help," she said, eyes lingering on Rossi, Will, and Garcia a moment longer. Those three in particular were her rocks through the ups and downs of the past year. She couldn't feel more indebted to them then she already did.

"And we fully intend for your help to continue; hopefully, in the form of the occasional babysitting every now and then," Hotch joked.

"Ha!" Garcia gasped happily. "I call dibs first!"

The whole room laughed heartily at that.

JJ's gaze met Hotch's. It had been a tough journey. Death is devastating. But in the end, together they trusted that happiness would shine through and conquer all.

Smiling lovingly at his partner, he had to admit, it really did.

* * *

><p><strong>The End ~ ~<strong>

* * *

><p>Well, that's the end of this one! It took me forever to finish this one. A big part of that was because the subject matter was a tough one to write (as it was to read, I know). I started out saying I wanted to take my time, to do the story justice, and I think I've done that. I hope you agree, too. Anyways…<p>

I want to say a big thank you to every single one of you who gave this story a chance! I almost quit it, but it was because of you guys that I kept it going. So, thanks!

Another thanks goes to those who reviewed the last chapter: **Guest; BAUMember; natexserenafan **_(the first half of the story is a lot darker than the latter half, that's for sure. But at least you know it has a happy ending. And I totally plan on giving some attention to my other Jotch stories_); **jenny crum; Christiangirl; Mmmnnjij; and HotchRocks.**

Hope you'll let me know what you thought of this very last update.

Thanks!


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